“Van… you're, you know, and I’m caught between a situation. Don't you think bringing a baby into the mix would further complicate things?”
He huffed, shaking his head. “Bro, all babies need is love and we got plenty of that for him or her.”
“No, that’s not all that babies need. They need support. They need parents who are emotionally available. They need parents who have complete understanding of what it takes to raise a child. Me and you are not there yet.”
He scoffed, flicking his hand. “Soon as you fall for that nigga, now you done forgot our plans.”
“Do you hear yourself? Why the hell would you want to bring a baby into our lives at this point?”
“Because I need you!” he bellowed, startling her. “Fuck, Irish, this marriage ain't enough for me. I need you in my life for the rest of my days, baby.”
Her eyes expanded as her head drew back. “What is going on with you?”
“I’m scared of losing you to him,” he admitted in a gentle tone. “You gave your heart to another man and you ain't never did no shit like that. How am I supposed to compete with that?”
“This isn’t a competition,” she fussed, shaking her head. “Why are you trying to compete?”
“Because before Noble came along, I never had to. But you fucked up by sneaking to see him behind my back. I still gotta work with this mothafucka, knowing he got you wrapped around his finger.”
“He does not,” she denied, knowing it was the truth.
“Yes, he does. You fell in love with him. You let him get to your heart. Now you changing all the plans we made.”
“Plans that were made back in our twenties. You do know that with age comes maturity. Would you want our child to grow up in dysfunction like we did?”
He cut his eyes at her. “You know I don't want that.”
“Then, why would you propose we have a baby when our lives are in such disarray?”
Jovanis remained quiet, sitting in deep thought. “I just need you, Irish.”
“I need you, too.”
“I know this shit ain't healthy. You know, us depending on each other like this but it’s all I know. You know my mama fed me to the wolves and my uncles were incapable of raising me with love. Your mama wasn’t shit and that nigga, Emanuel, was an even bigger piece of shit. It’s always been us. We’ve been locked in for years. Nobody has ever been able to come between us until now. So, excuse me for feeling like my position in your life is being threatened.”
Irish scooted closer to Jovanis and held his hand. She loved him so much. He had been her rock through every season of her life. There was this codependency that she wouldn’t consider healthy, but it was all they knew. They only had each other. Whenever a problem arose, her go-to person was him and vice versa.
“I think you're looking at this through a negative lens. We’ll always be bonded for life. We share so many memories together and experienced a lot of firsts. But we’re growing up. You have your person that you're in love with and… I had mine. That ended but who’s to say that I won’t find another guy to fall in love with. Our setup has been beautiful but life changes. We grow up and want different things. That doesn’t mean I love you no less. It just means that I don't want to be trapped anymore.”
His eyes were glossy as he peered into her orbs. “You're not trapped.”
“I feel like I am,” she admitted. “You’ve been able to enjoy whoever it is you're in love with while I’ve sat on thesidelines. Van, you don't even know how lonely I was. I used to come home to an empty house night after night. You would drop by and we’d spend time together but that wasn’t enough. I need companionship. I need love. I need to be someone else’s besides yours. That doesn’t mean that I don't love you. It means I need to live my own life.”
That took much heart to reveal but Irish couldn’t hold it any longer. Jovanis couldn’t provide what Noble gave her. His love was the best. Top shelf. Crème de la crème. Jovanis, unfortunately, couldn’t compete with that.
“So, now what?”
She shrugged. “I don't know.”
He shook his head. “I hate this shit. I feel like I’m losing you.”
“But I’m here.” She wrapped her arm around his shoulder. “I've been here, Van, and I’m not leaving you, but I want to live my life.”
They sat in silence for a while, retreating to their own thoughts. Irish was relieved she’d made her stance clear. Jovanis needed to know that their setup had gotten old. She yearned to be released of the shackles he’d placed on her.
“I get it, Irish, but letting you go is going to be hard for me. I can’t do it.”
2002
