“Because!” she snapped. “I hurt someone that I love so much. My husband—I mean ex-husband. I cheated on him, and I regret it. He hates me now and so do I.”
“First let me say I’m sorry that your marriage ended. A divorce is a major loss. Sort of like a death. It’s normal to go through stages of grief when it occurs.”
“That’s what it feels like,” Cali admitted. “Like I’m grieving.”
“How do you currently feel besides you hating yourself? Do you feel anger, sadness, self-pity?”
Cali licked her lips. “I feel empty. Like there's nothing inside me. I was in the bed for two months straight. There was nothing that could get me out of it. Although I’ve made progress of pulling myself out of this depression, every day I wanna retreat to that bed and never get up.”
Wiping her wet face with her hands, Cali couldn’t believe she was spilling her true feelings onto this stranger. Had she gotten so desperate that she’d tell anyone her sins? Internally, Cali felt pathetic but something deep inside her wouldn’t allow her to walk out the booth.
“Well, I’m proud of you for not giving up. It’s so easy to allow depression to swallow us but you're fighting back and I’m proud of you, Calia.”
Cali hadn’t heard those set of words in so long. No one had been proud of her decisions, but it felt good to hear Carrie profess it.
“I want you to be mindful that you're a human being and we’re not always going to make great choices. Your decision to step out on your marriage doesn’t define who you are. Your life just doesn’t equal up to that shortsighted choice.”
“It feels like it, though. Like everything in my life has equated to this dumb shit that I did. I gotta be honest. It wasn’t just me cheating on him. The guy that I cheated with tried to kill my husband. He caused a car accident and put him in the hospital for weeks. My betrayal runs deep, which is why my ex hates me so much.”
“Hmm, I understand.”
“I didn’t appreciate my husband until after the accident. It was then that I realized how much I really loved him. I feel like I cheated myself out of having a fruitful marriage. I played with him. Didn’t take my vows serious and now I’m suffering for it.”
“Calia, I don't want you to be so hard on yourself.”
“How can I not?” she countered, growing agitated. “I fumbled the biggest blessing that I had. I deserved to be beat up for what I did to him.”
“The reason why I want you to stop the negative self-talk is because it’s not healthy. Also, you need to rebuild your resilience and healthier perspectives. Eventually, don't you want to feel better emotionally?”
“Yes.”
“Then stop talking down on yourself. You can grieve; you can feel every emotion but don’t talk negatively to yourself. It’s not healthy for your mind and your heart. Our words are so powerful. The negative talk can start planting roots inside our bodies. I don't want that for you, and I’m sure you don't either.”
“I don't,” she mumbled.
“Great, now I want you to start doing something.”
“Like what?”
“I want you to start journaling. Write down how you feel each day. This is to regulate your emotions and recognize cognitive thought patterns. Journaling will also help you manage the stress and anxiety from getting a divorce. Do you think you can do that?”
“Yeah, I can.”
“And Calia, what you're going through isn’t abnormal. The thing about being an adult is experiencing pain. It’s inevitable no matter if you caused the pain or someone else did. No one escapes it. So please don't think you're in this alone.”
“That’s easy to say when I feel so lonely. All I can think about is my ex… he actually called me last week.”
“Really? When was the last time you had spoken to him?”
“Right before our divorce finalized, which was three months ago.”
“Okay and how did the conversation go?”
Cali swallowed hard. That night had replayed inside her mind like a loop. She felt pathetic for cherishing a five-minute conversation even though Rio was annoyed with her. Cali would take him any way as long as he gave her his attention.
“During a deep depressive episode, I went and got his initial tattooed on my ring finger. I posted a picture online and he saw it. He wanted to know why I got the tattoo.”
“What did you tell him?”
