I have no illusions about that.I know my time here is short.I have no wish to prolong it.Yet, I also seek a reason to live, something I don’t have yet.
Edward had reacted to the incident by looking inside himself, by retreating on journeys through his inner space, trying to figure out what it is that holds him connected to himself.
Me?I’ve gone the other way.Pushing myself beyond my boundaries, stepping out of my comfort zone, taking chances with myself in the hope of finding out why it is that I had survived the incident.Why am I still alive?What do I hope to accomplish by having made it this far?As I complete my checks and stand poised by the door of the plane, I can see my past rush before my eyes.
Each time I jump, every single moment of my life—the good, the bad…and especially, every single second of those wretched days when I had been held captive, when I had been made to do things against my will that nobody living should ever have to do—all of that, flashes before of my eyes.It happens so quickly, my mind hasn’t the bandwidth to assimilate what I’m seeing.It’s happening to someone else.Then all thoughts fade away.
The door opens, a sudden rush of cold wind slams into me and goosebumps rise on my skin.I look down and see the ground thousands of feet below.My heart begins to race and the pulse pounds at my temples.Adrenaline laces my blood and I jump.I flatten my elbows against my body, thrust my chin forward as I go into free fall.The wind rushes over me as my heartbeat ratchets up.Then a calm fills me.The sound of the wind fills my ears, the space between my ears pushing everything else out.I free fall, and fall, and fall, and continue to fall.
I pull the ripcord, glance up, find the parachute hasn't deployed yet.
I stare down at the ground rushing up to meet me.I can make out the roads cutting through the fields, the vehicles moving along it, the green stretching out in between.Sunshine dapples off the blue of the river that snakes across the landscape, intersecting with one of the roads before it continues its journey to the sea.What is my destination?Have I come this far, only to die, splattered across a shit-stained country farm somewhere?
It would serve me right if I do.I don’t deserve better.I had been in that situation and had allowed myself to be manipulated.I had allowed myself to be threatened.I had given in to the fear then.I will not give into it now.I will face my death head on.This…this is why I have been skydiving.I’ve pretended it was for the excitement, for the control.Knowing that I held my life in my own hands every time I jumped out of a plane…
But I had been wrong.I had been tempting death each time.Knowing if I dived enough times, the odds would catch up with me.Being extra careful with my gear as a way to taunt death.To show that I wasn’t going to give in that easily.And here I am, facing the inevitable.
My throat dries.The pressure builds behind my eyes.Tears blur my line of sight… And it has to be because of the breeze hitting my face, right?I stare down at the ground, so much closer now.I can make out the details of the fields, the yellows and the light greens, the brown indicating a recent harvest…or a space yet to be seeded for the next crop.
Will I live long enough to see another season, another day… Another life?Do I want to live another life when I haven’t even managed to figure this one out?Do I want to die?Am I ready to die?To leave behind my friends, and a future I haven’t even begun to embrace?Do I want to run away, let the fear overwhelm me?
Will I allow the remorse over what had happened to get the better of me?
Allow the hate at what had happened to overpower me?Consume me, bring me to my knees?
Am I going to give up without even having tried to own my destiny?
And after criticizing Ed for trying to take the easy way out...
Fucking fuck.I take in the details of the farm I had spotted earlier.The neat buildings, the sheds, the tractor plowing the field, the truck that stands in the driveway.Then I reach up, use the handle to cut away the main parachute.Tug on the second handle to release the reserve, and it inflates.Instantly, I stop falling.
The wind drops in force and I float.Float.I can hear my heart beat in my ears.Feel the pulse in my throat.My fingers tingle, my limbs tremble.I draw in a breath, another, focus on taking in the wide expanse of the blue sky, the vastness and me but a dot in time; knowing it will be over all too soon and wanting to prolong this moment when it feels like I am flying.I am free.Not bound by my past.Not tied down to the future.Just now.Just here.Now.Me.I glance down to find my feet approach the ground.My feet graze the mud.I stumble forward land on my knees then roll over onto the muddy field.
The parachute lines tug on me as they hit the ground behind me.I lay there, winded, gazing at the blue sky above.Puffs of clouds float by.A light wind ruffles the canopy of the parachute.Sunshine warms my face, and I lift my chin.I am alive.Guess I really didn’t want to die.
I’d flirted with the idea, had come so close to letting go.All I’d had to do…was nothing.Not pull the handle of the reserve parachute and I’d have smashed into the ground.It would all have been over so easily.So quickly.I’d never have to face another flashback to the incident.Never have to wake up at night, sweating and unable to breathe.Never have to drag myself out of bed in the morning, wondering how I am going to get through the day.
I’ve never revealed to the Seven just how much the incident haunts my nights and every waking moment… Not even to Edward, who knows exactly what went down that day.Unlike him, I’m not able to vent the distress that I carry around inside—the guilt, the self-reproach of what I had had to do that day.The shame.Even as the logical part of me protests that I wasn’t responsible for what happened.It’s not my fault that I was kidnapped or made to take part in those heinous activities…
Yet something else inside of me, insists that it was me.I did something to make myself stand out, to be marked for the kidnapping.I caught their eye.I’m the reason we were separated from the other boys… For what I had then been able to do.
Fuck.I squeeze my fingers at my sides.On second thought, maybe I should have simply not pulled that reserve parachute.I should have crashed to the ground, allowed the blackness of possible death to engulf me.I’d had the chance and I’d let it go… Because… I’m not ready.Not to die.Not to give up.Not to roll over and live life traumatized by my past.
I’d had a chance to break free, to cut the cord that connects me to the weight of the wrong that had been done to me.And while I may never outrun the nightmares, I can make sure that my days are focused on becoming a better version of myself.
A face looms over me, cutting off the sight of the blue skies.
"You okay, man?"a guy asks.
I blink, take in his features.The hair cut close to his scalp.He’s young, close to my age, probably, and wearing military fatigues.
"Need help?"He extends his arm.I grab his hand and he hauls me to my feet.
The weight of the parachute pulls at me and I stagger.I slough off the parachute that I had so carefully snapped on not too long ago.Then rise to my full height.
The stranger jerks his chin toward the remnants of the canopy, "Need help with that?"
Together, we roll up the parachute, then haul it to the side of a nearby barn.
