‘Excited… A little out of my depth. But mostly excited, with a splash of terrified.’
‘We’re here now – together.’ She squeezes me into a hug. ‘Everything else is just details.’
We soon leave Dublin city behind, crossing the river and passing by the tourists and locals, the tall buildings and bustling pubs. The dreary grey of the pavement shifts to a sea of deep-green countryside and a sky of dazzling blue. The bus’s windows frame picturesque scenes of the Irish countryside as we trundle along the narrow road, the sun transforming the lush fields into emerald jewels under its warm, golden light. Gently swaying trees dot the landscape, their leaves whispering melodies that mingle with the hum of the bus’s engine. A delicate scent of blooming wildflowers tinges the air, as the salty perfume of the nearby sea wafts through the slightly cracked windowpanes. I stare wistfully at the passing thatched cottages and stone walls draped with colourful bunting. This really is the Emerald Isle – a land of eternal youth and beauty.
We ride through villages bursting with life and culture, quaint pubs and old castles, each one untouched by time or modernity. It’s a land filled with mysterious folklore and tales of ancient heroes, all perfectly preserved by stories passed down from generation to generation.
As I look out the window I’m mesmerised by the simple elegance of this place, how it’s seemingly been forgotten in a world full of hustle and bustle. It’s as if on this small island things are running smoothly; it’s like you can hear time tickingaway slowly but surely without any sense of urgency or worry. There’s a peace here that almost seems sacred, something that will never die no matter how much technology advances or progress takes over our lives.
Kayla too sits in awe at what she sees; her bright eyes reflect what mine must have shown earlier – pure amazement at how beautiful our world can be when we forget about ourselves for just a few moments. We both take it in until finally I tear my gaze away from the window to look at Kayla, who still stares out at everything surrounding us with admiration in her eyes.
‘It’s so beautiful,’ she whispers reverently, her voice barely audible over the sound of the engine beneath us.
I nod in agreement, thankful for having this moment together with Kayla – before things change again once I meet with James O’Connor empty-handed and reality comes barrelling back in like a freight train.
I’m sorry, Mum. I’m sorry I’ve already messed this up for you… I’m sorry you’re not here with me to come home, to see Innisfree for yourself.
Kayla squeezes my hand. ‘Daisy… why do you look so sad? Don’t worry about the bags.’
I pause before replying. ‘No, it’s not just the bags. I feel like I’ve been here before, Kay. These scenes… they’re like the bedtime stories my mother used to share with me. Thatched cottages, stone walls, green fields – she described them so lovingly. I can’t help but wonder…’
Kayla’s gaze softens. ‘Wonder what?’
‘Why did she leave such a beautiful place for a big city with nothing, all alone? She was never quite at home in the city; she belonged here – among nature. It makes less and less sense, the more I think about it.’
As the seconds tick by, my thoughts become increasingly muddled and confusing. It suddenly dawns on me that mymother had always seemed happiest surrounded by nature, cocooned in the lush greenery of a sprawling park or basking in the serenity of the outer city limits. With every mile we put between ourselves and Dublin, I could almost see her coming to life in these idyllic settings; rosy-cheeked and smiling, taking in the world around her with wonder and joy.
Kayla lets out a gentle sigh, uncertain how to ease my troubled heart. ‘There must be a reason. There’s always a reason.’
‘But why did she keep it so hidden? What was there for her to hide? To keep secret from everyone – from me, for my whole life?’
‘Maybe she was freaked out because she was pregnant. Her family threw her out or she thought you’d have a better future in London?’ Kayla says.
‘That must be it,’ I agree in a stifled voice. ‘She must have been so scared and she didn’t want the shame of being an unmarried pregnant woman. It was different back in the day – small village, I suppose…’
It does makes sense and it could explain why she left Ireland. But why didn’t she ever open up, explain it to me, her daughter? Surely I’m the one that needs to know the whole story? I can’t shake this feeling that she was holding back something… something bigger, more frightening than what Kayla and I can imagine.
Kayla gives my hand a reassuring squeeze just as a warm sea breeze filters into the bus, caressing our faces like a compassionate embrace from those who seem far beyond reach.
I shift in my seat and try to steer the conversation in a different direction, wanting to avoid talking about my problems. There’s no answer to be found on this old bus that’s bouncing over broken, potholed roads so there’s no point dwelling on things I can’t change.
‘So,’ I say, ‘anything else been happening aside from men being jerks?’
Kayla snorts and rolls her eyes, but seems relieved to have something else to think about. ‘Work has been great,’ she replies. ‘Business is booming – everyone wants digital marketing, so I’m busy as can be and I love being my own boss.’ She sighs and adds, ‘But my house-share situation is grim. My roommates are impossible to get along with and it’s so noisy all the time.’ She pauses for a moment, looking out the window at the rolling hills and deep-blue sky. ‘So, heading off with you like this couldn’t come at a better time. I need a change of scene so bad.’
Just as I’m about to reply, the bus suddenly lurches to a stop. A few frustrated grumbles are heard, but they quickly die down when the driver’s voice comes over the loudspeaker.
‘Sorry, everyone, I just need a quick look at the engine. Please stay in your seats. Shouldn’t take long and then we’ll be on our way again.’
The bus stops at the roadside, and I can see the beach in front of us. The driver opens the doors to let in some air, and I take a deep breath of the salty sea breeze. I watch in awe as a couple walk hand in hand along the shoreline, chuckling to themselves. The sun casts its glimmering rays onto them and the sky sprawls out into an endless blue ribbon above. The waves roar against the shore in a steady rumble, like the heartbeat of the earth.
Suddenly, the couple stop in their tracks and turn to face each other. The woman gazes up at the man with a look of pure adoration, and he cups her face tenderly. It’s as though the whole world fades away, leaving only the two of them in their own little universe. Watching them, something stirs within me. A desire. A longing. I want to feel that kind of passion. That kind of love.
‘Looks like she’s found The One – lucky her.’
‘What are you saying?’ Kayla’s eyes light up with curiosity mixed with concern.
As I softly breathe out, the thoughts weighing heavy on my mind finally come to life and manifest into words. If I’m being truthful, those ideas had been in my head for a while. ‘Ash. I just feel like we’re business partners sometimes, you know? Great business partners, but maybe not so much romantic partners. I don’t know if I feel that spark anymore. I don’t know if he does either. It feels like we’re going through the motions sometimes and suddenly he wants to fast-forward everything – go from living apart to living together to buying together – that’s a lot to handle all at once.’
