Belonging to a traditional nuclear family has made him oblivious to the fact that I’m still in search of my identity, desperate to look for my true self. Perhaps I’m overthinking it all? Is this Ash’s way of showing his support or is he just in it for the money? It would be easier to just keep everything strictly business and get out of there as quick as possible, but is that really what I want? Have I reached the point where I’m looking for something else, something more than a straightforward exchange…?
Ash bows his head, offering me his hand. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispers, ‘I was only trying to make things easier for you, but I…’ His voice cracks and trails off as he sighs heavily. ‘It came out all wrong.’
I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. It’s not fair to blame Ash for not understanding what it’s like to grow up without knowing your whole story. My family history is complicated, painful even, but that doesn’t mean I should let it define me. I take a deep breath and step forward, accepting his invitation with a smile.
My stomach does a somersault as I take a deep breath and slide in beside him on the couch. His lips touch my bare shoulder, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind. As he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight, I breathe him in, savouring the scent of his skin. He whispers gently in my ear: ‘We need this money, baby. It can be our ticket out of here… we can use it to move next level, buy our own place, together, no more shitty landlords, no more hiking rents… buy our own place.’
I pull back and gaze into his deep, dark-brown eyes. ‘Buy a place together?’ I question him. ‘That’s a pretty big jump, Ash.’
He softly shakes his head and caresses my cheek with the tip of his finger as he watches my lips. The corner of his mouthcurves upwards, revealing that adorable single dimple that makes me swoon. ‘We’re ready for this. We love each other, I’m doing well at work and your business is thriving. And with the help of Paddy or Mick – whoever it was that’ll set us up with the deposit – we can do it. We can buy our own place.’
‘But we haven’t even rented together yet to see how it works out. We haven’t even found a decent flat! Why don’t you come and live here for a bit before we think about buying a place?’
He looks at me in surprise, his eyes wide and brows raised in bewilderment. ‘I know you like it around here, but for me this area is still quite edgy – you know I hate leaving my car parked out there overnight, there’s lots of noise from the street, sirens blaring all night long, there’s hardly any storage and the landlord is… well, never mind.’ He pauses, taking a deep breath before continuing. ‘Daisy, I love being here with you – but if we’re going to be together for the long haul, I need us to have somewhere that feels more… homely. Safe. Somewhere we both feel we belong.’
‘Hold on, Ash Saunders, when you got me to sign for this place, you didn’t mention any of that stuff. Remember talking about how amazing it was, how diverse and lively it was, how creative and cultural?’
‘Ha!’ Ash grins, licking his lips, satisfied with himself for a moment.‘Of course I’d say all that – I wanted the commission! Anyway, it suits you arty types, and it brought us together, so it worked out just fine, right?’
‘True,’ I say and snuggle back into his chest.
‘And that was a million years ago; things have changed now… We’re moving up in the world. We don’t fit here anymore… we need a—’
‘I get it – you don’t want to move out of your parents’ house. I can’t compete with a five-bedroom detached house in the leafy suburbs.’
‘Correction – I am happy to move into another flat for us to be together, hence the flat hunt. But what I won’t do is leave an already great living situation for one of lower quality.’
He takes a sharp inhale through his nose as he grabs the last of the wine and pours it into his glass. He sits on the couch, his shoulders slumped and his elbows resting on his knees. ‘I’m living with my parents for our future, Daisy, so we can afford to upgrade our lives – I can work from home and invest what I save on rent in cryptocurrency. That will surely skyrocket soon. Is that such a bad thing?’ He rubs his nose with one hand as he speaks, glaring at me with a hard look in his eyes.
I place my hand on his knee and try to look him straight in the eye. ‘Ash, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry.’
He leans forward and cups my chin with his hand, scanning me with a mix of hope and desperation in his gaze. ‘Daisy, didn’t we agree this was something we both wanted? To eventually buy our own place? Isn’t that what everyone wants? A roof over their head that they can call their own?’ His tone is gentler now but still charged with emotion. ‘Everyone else is passing us by – all my friends have their feet on the housing ladder, all of them are making huge money and here we are, still struggling to find a decent place to call home.’
He runs his fingers through his hair and pauses for a moment before continuing. ‘Do you know how embarrassing it is to be a real estate agent and have no place of your own?’ I feel the tension radiating off him. ‘I’m seeing these guys, I take them on viewings and they’re maybe five years younger than me, and they can afford to buy what they want. I mean, how did that happen? I’m not having it – it’s not on.’ Ash tries to mask his frustration, but it’s obvious from the look on his face.
‘I know, but we will get there, Ash. They could have money behind them, a head start.’
Ash shakes his head. ‘The other day, this kid – no more than twenty-three – cash buyer. I think to myself – no way… but he completes – in cash! So I ask him – how did you do it? And you know what he tells me? Cryptocurrency – investment, stocks and shares, buying and selling – in less than six months he goes from nothing to millionaire… that’s what I want. That’s what I’m going for,’ he says determinedly. ‘He who dares wins.’
I squeeze his shoulder gently. ‘We don’t need to rush anything. Let’s just take our time, so we can make the right choice for us.’
He pulls away from me and runs his hands through his hair. ‘No! We do need to rush!’ His tone shifts from frustrated to pleading. ‘We need to strike while the iron is hot; we need to stop waiting around and start making things happen – you snooze, you lose. And we are losing, babe.’ He glances around my tiny flat with a shake of his head before turning back towards me. ‘We need to be decisive. We can’t keep waiting around and miss our chance. But if you don’t want that, if you’d rather just dither about, then let me know now, Daisy. I’m not here just to pass the time.’He looks at me with a bittersweet expression, awaiting my response.
My gaze lingers on my mother’s personal effects – her life and memories now condensed into one small box. I know that if I take this final step with Ash, then I’m taking the first towards something new. If I don’t turn away from the past, and from her memory, I can never truly move forward.
A text arrives from Kayla: ‘Yes x 10000! INSANE news! Checking flights now.’
I take a moment to recognize how lucky I am that this ‘insane’ opportunity has been handed to me; a golden ticket to a golden life. My mum would want me to go ahead, to swap this inheritance for a decent roof over our heads here in London. This can be our life now, free from sorrow and anxiousness,filled with love and hope. Ash is right – I can’t undo the past even if I want to; all I can do is move on.
‘Maybe this inheritance is the key to fixing everything.’ For a moment, I let myself believe it and give Ash’s hand a reassuring squeeze.
His face softens. ‘Exactly. If it can give us a leg-up, then why not take it as an opportunity?’ He pulls me closer and kisses my forehead. ‘You know I’m just looking out for you, sweetheart. I know things are tricky and it’s scary. That’s why we need each other. We’ve got to stick together, because if we don’t have each other’s backs, no one else will.’ He squeezes my hand gently. ‘We’re going to be okay. You know that, right?’
I give a small nod. ‘Of course. You’re right, I know you are, it’s just—’
He puts a finger on my lips and shakes his head. ‘No need for a drawn-out drama, Daisy. Just go to Ireland, get what’s yours and come back with the goodies. You can’t change the past, so don’t waste tears on it. This isn’t a long-lost family reunion. The only thing that’s important is what’s happening right now. All that matters is you and me… Now, let’s wrap this up. How much time do you need to do the business?’
‘Four weeks. That should cover any potential delays.’
