I didn’t answer quite as fast to that one. Did heartbreak count as depression? I’d counseled plenty of others through breakups and loss. I’m not sure I ever thought I would be the one in need of counseling.
“I’m okay.” I raised my head. “Let’s go to lunch.”
“Are you sure? We can always skip it.” She offered.
I’d already skipped breakfast. I needed to eat something. “I’ll be fine.”
“Okay.” She waited for me to get my jacket and lock up the office.
We made our way to Maggie’s Place. It was the local diner that everyone loved to frequent. It always reminded me of a throwback to Route 66 and sock hops. Not that I was alive back then, but the chrome accents on the building, the checkered floors, and the red leather booths just screamed sixties nostalgia. Add in the jukebox in the corner and you’d expect to see women in poodle skirts and bobby socks. I personally loved the place cause it always smelled like fresh coffee and greasy bacon.
Aspen pointed to a booth, and I followed her there. Neither of us needed to pull out a menu. We always got the Ridgeburger. It was what they were known for.
“Hi Aspen. Hi Rita.” Ella Jamison smiled as she put our waters on the table. “How’s it going?”
“Not bad.” I worked up a smile for her. She was always so happy you couldn’t help but enjoy her company. “How are classes going?” She was taking some college courses, and if they weren’t busy, you’d sometimes find her studying in between waiting on tables.
“They’re good.” She sighed. “Well, everything is good but Latin. Why did I think it would be great to learn the mother of all languages?”
“I’m sure it will work out fine.” I encouraged.
“I hope so.” She pulled out her notepad. “You guys know what you want?” We both placed our orders and sat back in the booth.
The door opened, and a few soldiers walked in laughing with each other. My heart pulled at seeing their uniforms. I’d never had a chance to see Stewart in his. I bet he was so handsome. Now I never would.
“Did I tell you that I sent in the paperwork for your guy?” Aspen’s words knocked the air out of chest.
“What are you talking about?” I forced the words out. Did she know about Stewart? Had he told her? Counseling sessions were confidential. I couldn’t ask her what he said, even if I wanted to.
“The soldier with the PTSD that you transferred to me.” She told me.
“He might have been misdiagnosed. He was repressing the memories, but he wasn’t really repressing them.” I argued. “He was dealing with the guilt he felt about his unit. Although there was no need for him to feel guilty. He’d done what was right. I wish he could see that.”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s what I should have told him when I explained what happened to me.” I wasn’t paying any attention to Aspen. “I felt so guilty for letting my team down. We didn’t make the championships that year, and I knew it was my fault, but it wasn’t. The same could be said for Stewart. He just needs to move forward.”
I took a deep breath. “What if that was what he was trying to do? Maybe it wasn’t transference. Maybe he was just trying to move forward. To put the accident and everything that happened behind him, and I set him back. I should have just said yes.” I let my head fall to the table. “Why didn’t I just say yes?” I’d asked myself that twenty times since he left.
“What are you talking about?” I’d forgotten all about Aspen.
“I fucked up. In so many ways.” I didn’t lift my head.
“This is about the soldier.” It wasn’t a question, but I answered anyway.
“I fell in love.” I sat back up. “I didn’t mean to. I don’t think I realized it until right this moment, but I did.” I confessed.
“I know I should have stayed away from him, and I tried.” At least I think I did. “I tried to just think of him as a patient. I tried to keep everything professional. When I knew there was something else going on I even gave him to you despite how desperately I wanted to help him. I did all the right things, but he was never just a patient to me. Maybe when I first met him or during our first session, but there was always something there. There was always more, and I made him think all he ever was to me was part of my job.”
“Now it’s too late. He probably hates me, and I can’t blame him. He wasn’t the one in denial. I was. I completely fucked up.” This time I let my head fall back against the seat. “I’m going to lose everything, and I don’t care. I don’t care because I hurt him, and I don’t think I can make this right.”
The sound of the laughter from the other tables surrounded us, mixed with the sizzle of the grill. I could smell the food being served, and it didn’t matter. I’d lost my appetite. It was a wonder I wasn’t crying right now.
“That’s a lot of information,” Aspen said after we’d been sitting in silence for a few minutes. “Let me get this straight. After you transferred the soldier to me, you started seeing him? Like in a romantic sort of way?”
“Yes,” I shared. “And now that you know you’ll have to report me. I’m going to lose my license and my job.”
“But nothing happened before you transferred him, right?”
