Jordy placed my feet on one of the pillows before stretching out and putting his head in my lap. He stared up at the lights on top of the gazebo as he continued to speak.
“Everything inside me broke on the day I accepted that I had lost you forever. I went to my parents’ house and spent days holed up in my room, drinking. After about a week, the pain was too much. I felt hopeless and lost. Graduating from med school should have felt like a triumph, but I just felt empty. I took some pills my mom had in her bathroom, and they helped me sleep. I felt like I could sleep the pain away and not have to live through it. Eventually, sleeping and waking up to take more pills felt redundant. I wanted to stop waking up, so I took more pills. I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to exist, if that makes sense. I didn’t want to be in a world without you until enough time passed that I wouldn’t care anymore,” he said, closing his eyes as tears ran down the side of his face.
I gasped. “JoJo.”
“I know.” He sighed, removing his glasses and swiping his hand over his face. After he adjusted so that his cheek rested on my lap and his arms were around my waist, he continued. “My mom found me in her walk-in closet. She thought I was dead. I remember hearing her scream bloody murder, but I didn’t have the strength to tell her that I was OK. Shit, I wasn’t OK. When I finally came around and told her what happened and why I did it, she wanted to have me committed.” He chuckled dryly. “I convinced her that I wasn’t trying to kill myself, but she still blames you for her almost losing me. I say I didn’t want to die, but I know part of me wanted to destroy myself for destroying the thing I cared about most in the world. Fuck a medical degree, fuck everything if I couldn’t build the life I wanted with you.”
“Ooh, baby,” I simpered.
“I’ve been in therapy ever since. The incident that happened when my parents were going through their divorce along with that one made it clear that I didn’t have good coping skills. Up until then, I just pushed shit down and pretended that it never happened until I couldn’t handle it anymore. I’ve learned to deal with things head on and go through them instead of around them. Antidepressants and therapy helps, but nothing compares to having you right here, Harper.”
“I can’t say that I don’t have any regrets about the way things played out. I missed you so much, JoJo. I convinced myself that you weren’t good for me. I told myself that you had manipulated me into thinking that you were such a great guy and that there was no telling what else you manipulated me into.”
“Like Jase,” he muttered.
“Of course that went through my mind a thousand times. Eventually, I realized that being with him was more for me than you. I know that the Jordy I knew would do anything in the world to make me happy, including sharing me with his brother.”
“And we all know how I am about sharing.”
“Right.” I laughed.
“I’m so sorry, Harper. I’ve been sorry for eight long years. I kept this to remind me of the love I lost due to not having enough self-control,” he said, reaching into his shirt as he sat up.
The lights in the gazebo made the diamond in his hand sparkle. Dangling from a chain around his neck was a beautiful ring.
“Is that?”
He nodded. “It’s the ring I bought for you.”
“It’s beautiful,” I whispered, dropping my hand before I could touch it. I didn’t know if I should. “There’s so much we need to discuss, not right now though. Right now, I just want to relish in the moment. It almost feels like the old days. I just don’t know if we can go back.”
“Maybe we can’t go back, but we can go forward, if that’s OK with you.”
“I don’t know, JoJo.”
“Don’t overthink it, Harper. Just let me prove myself to you. Let me earn back your trust.”
“OK.” I nodded, knowing that if I hesitated, I would change my mind. There had been an electric fence around my heart since Jordy broke it.
Kendrick knew that. Our marriage was initially out of convenience and grew into love. He and I being friends over everything else allowed me to overlook the fact that I was never madly in love with him.
Jordy’s eyes fell to my lips, then flickered back up to meet my gaze. “Let me get you out of here, Harper. I’m sure I’ve taken up enough of your time,” he said, shifting the stand before I could protest.
It was funny how I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to spend more time with Jordy. I wanted to make sure that he was OKand figure out where we would go from here. At the same time, I knew it was too soon to tell. When he was on his feet, JoJo reached for my hand and helped me up. Once I was standing, he picked up my shoes.
“I should have put those boots back on when I was on the floor,” I joked.
“I got you.” Jordy chuckled, squatting to his haunches.
“JoJo, I am not getting on your back.”
“Woman, come on here. I know it’s past your bedtime.”
I had to laugh at that. “For your information, I do not go to bed like an old person anymore.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
“Shut up. The only reason I’m getting on your back is because I really don’t want to struggle with those boots right now.”
