Shopping for a dress when I had eleven days to prepare for my wedding was a chaotic journey that led my sisters and me to a tiny secondhand boutique shop where I found a dress seemingly crafted for me. It had sheer long sleeves, clusters of pearly beads, a sweetheart neckline, and layers of tulle that made the dress just puffy enough for a wedding.
Estelle fussed with the line of teeny buttons down my back. “Poor Jesse is going to have a time with these.” My sisters squealed at the suggestion, instantly teasing me. My face flushed hot and butterflies erupted in my stomach as I laughed along with them, imagining that moment.
Finally, it was time. Our ceremony took place on the front steps of the big house, where we’d strung Christmas lights and placed a couple Christmas trees. Family stood along the steps and gathered around us on the porch. There was no real line-up or bridesmaids or official wedding colors. There wasn’t a minister or any live music. Just a bluetooth speaker and Harlan, actually, who volunteered to get ordained online because he’d always wanted to marry someone.
My dad walked me up the porch steps while tears brimmed in our eyes. With a kiss on my cheek, he put my hands in Jesse’s and gave me away.
The theme of the day was presence and togetherness—and, when you boiled it down, those things were very simple and easy to achieve.
With his bunched rosy cheeks, Harlan smiled. “By the power vested in me by the good ol’ state of Texas, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Alright, Jesse, kiss her.”
I giggled as Jesse dipped me into a kiss and my family cheered.
I came up with tears in my eyes and a fire burningin my soul.
Our last minute wedding devolved into chaos.
Somewhere between the cake and the dancing, Bea’s water broke. Tag, white-faced and wide-eyed, rushed Bea to the hospital with Mom. Because we knew this could potentially happen, Estelle and Jackie planned to stay behind with the kids so Jesse and I could go on our honeymoon. Many conversations were had with Cade about this upcoming trip, and he didn’t bat an eye when Jesse and I left. We were so proud of him. And also thankful to Estelle whose tender personality made it easy for Cade to get comfortable.
We arrived at a hotel in San Antonio past 9 p.m., which was about two hours later than we’d planned. Exhausted but smiling, Jesse quietly hung thedo not disturbtag on the outside of our door handle and pulled our little suitcase into the room.
I dropped my purse on the dresser and my hands wrung together as I fought the immediate urge to pick my nails. Tension skittered over my nerve endings as I walked around the room, giving myself a tour, but not really seeing anything but the king sized bed in the middle of the room. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that intimacy with Jesse would be different than intimacy with Garrett, but my past experience dumped fuel onto my anxious energy.
Garrett always accused me of not wanting sex, but that wasn’t true. I did want it, I just never felt safe enough to let my guard down. And enjoying sex when you’re worried you’ll misstep is basically impossible. He would pout and get irritated with me, so I would pretend, which just made the whole thing worse.
“So,wife, what do you think of our accommodations?”
A chuckle escaped my lips as I turned to see Jesse surveying the room, giving everything an approving nod. His white shirt pulled at every angle of his arms and his tie hung loose around his neck. He picked up a slip of paper on the dresser and turned it toward me with a twinkle in his eye. “This place has room service. Which is great because we won’t be leaving for a while.”
I laughed, arching a brow. “Is that so?”
His eyes bounced across the menu. “Why would we when we can have breakfast naked in bed?”
I laughed again as desire and anxiety went to war low in my torso.I looked away, not sure what my face was doing. Jesse went over to the window and tugged the curtains closed.
Needing something to do, I pulled my toiletries bag out of the suitcase and went into the bathroom to freshen up a little. I wrestled with the folds of my dress to use the restroom, brushed my teeth, and made sure I smelled good. The entire time, my insides trembled. Was the dress too much? Maybe I should’ve taken it off before I left the ranch. Part of me wished I could just slip into pajamas, but of course, my quote-unquotepajamaswere packed when I was feeling a lot more confident.
I shook my head, knowing I was overthinking but unsure how to stop.
While I delayed, Jesse used the outside sink to freshen up—brushing his teeth, washing his hands. Eventually, the sounds outside the bathroom door fell quiet. I needed to hurry up. Summoning courage, I exited, still wearing my wedding dress and hoping I didn’t look as timid as I felt.
Jesse sat on the edge of the mattress, his boots lined against the wall and his tie hanging over the bed post. The top few buttons of his shirt were open, his hair swiped backward over his head. It needed a trim, but I wouldn’t let him cut it before the wedding. I loved when his hair was a touch too long. He glanced up at me and smiled. But his smile faltered as he took in my expression. “You okay?”
“I’m fine. Just a little nervous.”
“About what?”
“What comes next.” I grimaced.
He moved to stand directly in front of me, rubbing his palms over my arms. “I was kidding, by the way. Of course I’m going to take you out to eat. We’ll go to the riverwalk and do some fun things?—”
“Jesse, I knew you were joking.”
He lifted a hand to touch my cheek. “If you’re tired from the wedding, we can just go to sleep.”
I shook my head as a laugh bubbled up from my belly. In one single sentence, he’d chased away my trepidations. He wouldn’t rush me or require me to give more than I wanted to give. I couldn’t stop laughing—he was so dear to me I could burst.
“What?” He chuckled too.
