The fact Jesse wanted to spend time with me made me so happy I could cry, but it also made me feel like a fraud. I should tell him right here and now that I was a trainwreck.
Nothing he should ever want.
After years of endless trying, I’d learned my best would never be good enough. My thoughts would never be faultless. My heart would never be pure. My intent would always be malicious. My dreams self-centered. My hopes misplaced. My effort overlooked. My fears pathetic.
I wished I could justbewithout having to hold my breath.
At the front steps of the big house, Jesse stopped. I climbed the first few then turned to look down at him. “Be careful out there.”
“I will. Thank you again. So much.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Tomorrow?”
I didn’t let my full smile free. “We’ll see.”
He smiled, lifting his left hand in afingers-crossedsign.
“Good night, Jesse.”
“Sleep well, Hollie.” He tipped his hat then disappeared across the barnyard.
TWENTY-FOUR
Jesse
Ireached through the bars to throw a rope around Sunday Best’s neck, knotting it loosely in case she decided to buck in the chute. Off behind me, Harlan made a kissing sound with his lips, shaking a bucket of feed to get Rock-A-Bye into the corrals and on deck. Cade stood on the loading platform, readying the box dummy.
The sun beat down on my neck, my shirt soaked with sweat. Considering how late I had to stay up to get the gate lever working, I should’ve been dragging.
But I wasn’t.
“Look at him run!” I glanced back to see Rock-A-Bye, our two and a half year old painted gelding, trot right past Harlan’s grain offering and barge into the corrals. He knew exactly what was coming and couldn’t wait to play. We wanted the broncs to get excited about their work.
When I glanced up to focus on Sunday Best again, my eyes caught on movement up at the barn.
Hollie and the girls were nearing the arena fence.
Instantly, I tipped my face toward the dirt to hide my smile.
I’d thought about Hollie all day. This morning, when I stopped to talk with her at breakfast, she poured me more coffee before I’d even finished what I had. Like she wanted me to linger a few minutes longer. So I did. I sat on the picnic table and we chatted. Her morning hair was a little frizzy but beautiful. Based on my workload, I should’ve rushed to Cade and hightailed it straight to my chores, but I would’ve sat there all day and worked through the night to catch up if she’d have let me.
All we got was fifteen minutes. But those minutes tugged on my awareness, like rhythm to my steps when I wasn’t even humming along.
I waved and the trio waved back.
“Look who’s coming, buddy.” I nodded toward the barn.
Cade smiled, unable to contain his excitement. “Did you tell them we were bucking today?”
“Yep.”
“Nice.” Cade waved then jumped off the platform to greet them. I watched as the girls leapt with excitement. Nora grabbed Cade’s hand and pulled him around in a circle. Izzy’s mouth started moving a mile a minute while she sprung her emotional support deck of cards from one hand into the other. I knew the three had become fast friends, but seeing my son light up around other children brought a bit of relief to the constant parent guilt I shouldered.
Hollie looked down at Cade and gently touched his shoulder while she spoke to him. Sunday Best groaned and banged against the metal chute wall, ready to get with the program, but I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the happy exchanges happening up by the barn. Then Cade waved them all down toward the chute.
For our mock-rodeo arena, we had several types of chutes: our roping chutes at the top of the arena and our bucking chutes on the left hand side. Corrals funneled into a small lane where we would lead the horses to the chutes. If you didn’t know where the lanes were leading, it looked like a maze of fences.
