Miranda tried to catch her breath, “May—maybe he’ll be okay.”
As if on cue, he wailed, gaining volume.
She pushed up on her elbows. We waited for a few seconds. I felt the moment slipping away from us and frantically committed her to memory. Her sloppy hair, the sugarsmeared on her face, the rise and fall of her chest, the way her open shirt had slipped off one shoulder.
The crying wasn’t stopping.
“I—I need to—to go to him.”
We held gazes for a long moment. Anguish in her expression. Certainly a mirror of my own.
My whisper was hoarse, a needy begging. “Come back. Please come back.”
She nodded and rolled out from under me. She buttoned her blouse on the way up the stairs.
I waited on the couch for a few minutes. Then I brushed my teeth. Lit a candle in my bedroom. Paced like a caged lion.
After thirty minutes, I cleaned the sugar off the kitchen floor and iced the cake. After an hour and a half, I took a cold shower, blew out the candle, and got into bed, feeling worse than I remembered feeling…maybe ever.
But I can’t say I was surprised.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Miranda
As I worked in the garden, my heart bounced between desire for Jack and crippling anxiety.
Jack had to work early the next morning. Which came as a relief to me. I wasn’t ready to face him, not after what happened between us the night before. Leaving him hanging was cruel. I wished I hadn’t done it. But once I finished getting Kacey back to sleep, I couldn’t go back down.
There was so much between Jack and I that sleeping together would bewrong. As much as I wanted to, our web was sticky enough as is. Intimacy would only make things worse. And I couldn’t partake knowing full-well I harbored a secret.
But it killed me. I got into bed and sobbed.
I had to tell Jack about Kacey. Had to. I was a fraud to keep up the charade. Of course he would be angry, but the longer I kept the secret, the worse it would be. One more month of pretending felt impossible. There was no way I could keep the truth locked up that long.
Day after day, I hated myself for even agreeing to this. Was marriage truly the only way? Maybe I could’ve figured something else out. Something that wouldn’t hurt Jack so much…
Because Jack would be crushed when he learned the truth. Honestly, the fact he hadn’t put two and two together was shocking. Jack was meticulous, detailed, didn’t miss much. It’s what made him amazing at his job. Kacey and Jack didn’t look alike necessarily, but they had similarities. And if anyone looked closely—or looked in the right places—they’d know the truth, too.
Jack hadn’t even questioned me about Kacey’s birth and timeline. He must’ve discounted the possibility I would deceive him. In his mind, it was off the table because he trusted me.
Harboring this information was betrayal. I was a traitor.
I thought I could keep lying. But I was wrong. My conscience wouldn’t let me keep Kacey from him a minute longer. The fear of a custody battle had waned, now paling in comparison to the heavy guilt I felt from keeping the truth hidden.
I took a deep breath and swiped my cheeks dry, determination seeping into my spirit. I had to tell him. If I cared about Jack—which I did—I had to do it. Come what may.
Tonight.
My thoughts were far too optimistic. Maybe Jack would forgive me and want to make things work between us for our son. Maybe he’d behappyand we could pick up where we left off. Maybe we’d fix our brokenness and be happier than ever before.
I couldn’t help but replay our last moments together on repeat. The man could flat-out kiss. I was pretty sure I would be remembering his white powdered face till my final, dying breath. He had always been so exceedingly tender with me.So committed to making me happy. So careful. I remembered and longed for our intimacy countless times since the divorce.
Chris was harsh. I only ever relented to him out of guilt.
Chris entered the picture for me and Kacey because I had no other options. I had no one to turn to, and Ithoughtthe father of my baby rejected us. Leaving Jack and somehow finding a path to Chris was, without a doubt, the worst thing that had ever happened to me.
I would’ve gladly stayed with Jack, despite our problems, had I known.
