“How could you not know?”
“Justtellme, Miranda.”
My fight had drained, and my voice softened. “It wasyou, Jack.”
Another beat of silence passed.
I said, “It’s why I threw those flowers out the window. I shouldn’t have done it and it was rash and stupid, but I was so hurt. They felt like a slap in the face.”
He scrubbed his hand up his jaw, head tipped toward the ground.
“You know me. There is nothing I want more than to just have a family, hang out, and be together. I’m literally the most boring person on planet earth…every loss was…” I faltered, emotions catching up with my rampage. “Every loss was a death of that dream. So I was grieving over and over again, while you kept walking away from me.
“The loss didn’t affect you. You couldn’t see it. You couldn’t feel it. It didn’t bother you like it did me, so you vanished. My grief was too much for you to handle and be around, so you checked out. I have stuffed my emotions my entire life so people would like me. So they’d stay. I did it for you, for Chris, for my mom. I don’t want to do it ever again. Never. The way I feel is important, too.”
He finally looked at my face again. “How many?”
“How many what?”
“How many babies did we lose?”
I sniffed, hating the number with every fiber of my being. “Seven.”
“Seven?” His jaw hung open for a few long seconds. “Miranda, how could I be there if you didn’t even tell me?”
“I stopped telling you because you disregarded them every time. It was easier for me to not tell you and suffer alone, than tell you andstillsuffer alone.”
He paced further away. His voice was taut, pained. “Maybe things will be different if we try again.”
“No, they won’t.”
He looked at me, wondering how I could be so sure.
“When you found out Kacey was yours, you did the same thing. You freaking disappeared. Instead oflisteningto what I had to say and how I felt. I had todemandyou to come and even hear my side of the story. But that’s how you’ve always been. You run from big feelings and big problems.” Understanding dawned on his face, the hard lines softening, a vulnerable expression edging in. I frowned, trying to sort it out in my own head. “On the one hand, you’re overly protective of the ones you love. Do everything in your power to make sure we are okay, but then, when we aren’t and you can’t deal, you leave. And because of that”—I swiped my eyes—“I don’t want to ever face anything hard with you again.”
Jack held my gaze for a painful moment. Was it possible? Did he finally hear me? Did he actually see?
Regret filled his expression and his eyes misted ever so slightly. He glanced away.
He understood.
My voice was weak, the fight gone. “Is that answer enough for you, Jack?”
He nodded, pressing his lips together.
“We need to do right by Kacey. We can be parents together. But—that’s all it should be, okay?”
“Yeah. Kacey.” He turned his head away, making a slow move to exit the conversation.
I watched him walk back to the house, shoulders slumped. My heart broke all over again.
FORTY-FOUR
Jack
As soon as I stepped out of the truck, I heard the air compressor buzzing from down the hill. I felt so uncomfortable. I’d texted Jules, asking if they were home but she didn’t respond. Neither did Pat. I even texted Sunny. But, when I pulled into their driveway every vehicle was accounted for.
It was about 4 p.m. I just got off—was still in uniform and everything. I hated to show up unannounced, but if I didn’t find someone to talk to, I might explode. Bone-deep exhaustion made me feel achy almost. It wasn’t physical—it was something else—something that made me feel like I was steamrolled. I’d done nothing but think about my conversation with Miranda. Done nothing but beat myself up over and over for destroying the greatest gift I ever had.
