“Child, don’t be naive. No man would do all that unless he was so in love he couldn’t think straight.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out.
“Hopefully you guys haven’t blurred the lines on what’s happening when you get your hands on that money. ’Cause if you have, Jack is in for one heck of a broken heart.”
I immediately thought of Jack’s hands beneath my shirt and in my hair and his lips on my neck and chest. How close we’d been to more. Heat climbed into my cheeks at the memory.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I focused harder on the fertilizer I was mixing as tears pricked my eyes. “I—I don’t want to break his heart.”
“I know you don’t, but take it from a man who had a wife for a long, long time. That boy is smitten.”
I nodded.
“I think he’s a dummy for agreeing to all that mess in thefirst place. If he gets his heart broke, he’d have done it to himself, but don’t make it worse for him. Sounds like he wants the best for you, which is admirable, I reckon.”
I wished Richard would stop talking because I suddenly felt flushed and nauseous. I knew Jack loved me. But hearing Richard state it so plainly made my heart twist in pain.
That boy is smitten.
He continued, “Seeing how life brought you back together—what’s holding you back from giving your marriage another go?”
The need to defend my decisions cropped up in me. Flustered, I grappled for words. “You don’t understand, Richard.”
“Understand what?”
“I was out of options. We were going to be homeless without Jack’s help.” I lifted a shoulder, needing to explain my reasons, worried Richard might think ill of me. “Jack is a good man—he really is. But I will never be able to trust him again.”
Richard hummed, nodded once. “Why’s that?”
“Because Jack only knows how to love me when things are good. And a lot of bad things happened in our marriage.”
Richard didn’t fill the lag in conversation. Just waited for me to explain.
So I did. I sat in the grass beside him and told him all about the children we lost and Jack’s absence during it all. How I had to stuff down my feelings so he would even be around me. How I had to pretend to be happy so I wouldn’t eat dinner alone. How Jack chose other things over me time and again. And how that dynamic slowly choked out whatever good thing our marriage had.
He clicked his tongue in thought when I fell silent. “Plain as the nose on your face that you love him though.”
I swiped the back of my hand against my cheek. I did a decent job keeping my emotions in check for Kacey’s sake. Hewas playing nearby and I tried to protect him from my frequent meltdowns. “I don't think I've ever stopped loving Jack. But…that’s not enough. It never has been.”
“People change and mature over time. You don’t think Jack can do the same?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Jack is hardwired to avoid. I couldn’t even talk to him about it—every time I tried, he couldn’t see. I doubt he’ll ever be different.” And I refused to be in any more relationships built on happy feelings. They never lasted. People never stayed when it was hard.
Richard hummed. “Quite a pickle you’re in, young lady.”
A “pickle” was generous. The crux of my conflict was oppressive at best. “Yeah.”
“You’d do well to set clear boundaries and talk about them. Often. From the looks of things, you’re gonna need them.”
And wasn’t that the truth? It was impossible not to be swept away by the many many things I adored about Jack. Reminding myself of where we came from and why we couldn’t be more was a crucial part of this process—a part I had been neglecting.
I am a train wreck.
Why was life so freaking complicated?
FORTY-THREE
