The wedge between us was wider than ever before. The passion colder. I was crazy about her but done with games. If she wanted to act like I should know everything and punishme for not being there when she refused to even let me in, then fine.
Eventually, I would stoop to begging her to come home. In a matter of mere days, I would be reduced to a miserable, tortured soul, desperate for the woman I loved. But in that fiery moment, the anger and rejection I felt won. I stomped to the bedroom and tossed my gym clothes in a duffle bag.
I slung it over my shoulder as I walked back out the front door. “Try not to pop a tire on your way out.”
FORTY
Miranda
Jack slept in a little. I guessed he was pretty tired from extra work and long hours. I set out a coffee mug for him and a sticky note that said “in the garden.”
An explanation replayed in my head over and over, fine-tuning with each cycle. How to make Kacey understand who Jack was wouldn’t be easy. And he might not even soak in the information. I didn’t want Kacey to fail to acknowledge Jack as his dad, potentially making all of this even more hurtful for him.
Not that Jack counted on Kacey to make him feel better. I just wanted to ease the loss for Jack as much as I possibly could.
But the thought of them leaving today had me in shambles. It was so silly. My stomach wound in knots and I shook. I was almost thirty-two years old, for heaven’s sake.
The early May sunshine was warm, the dew in the grass cool. The other day, Richard taught me how to search thegarden for pests. Flipping over squash leaves to look for squash bug eggs and how to check stems for signs of rot or worms. I found a lot of pleasure in systematically running through the checklist every morning while Kacey played.
The plants were still tiny, but Richard said that’s when we needed to be the most vigilant. Said the pests or disease could be present early but wouldn’t manifest completely until July. And by then, it would be far too late.
He said we could always spray the garden with pesticides, but it was an artificial and dangerous way to get a harvest. I agreed and chose vigilance instead. Richard gave me a special oil to spray over the plants if I found pests but warned me not to spray the blooms.
I did whatever the man said.
I glanced into his yard, wondering where he was this morning. He was typically out there before us and I enjoyed standing at the fence and sipping my coffee while we talked.
Thirty minutes later, I was rummaging through the shed, looking for paint so I could fix up that old bench.
“Knock knock.”
I whirled around to see Jack. Standing there in all of his morning glory. T-shirt stretched across his broad chest, shorts showing off his defined calf muscles, a coffee mug in his big hand.
“Oh, uh, good morning.”
“What are you doing?” His morning voice was gravelly.
“I’m looking for paint. Kind of want to fix up that old bench.”
“That’s a good idea. Do we need to buy some?”
“No.” I lifted a can of white exterior paint. “I think this will actually work. White wasn’t the color I originally dreamedof, but it will work fine.”
Kacey barged in, squeezing past Jack to enter the shed. “Mommy, can we go to the pawk today?”
I glanced at Jack’s face. He was watching Kacey with a soft expression. I paused and caught Jack’s attention. I mouthed “wanna do this now?” He nodded once.
“Well, Kacey, before we do anything this morning, Jack and Mommy want to talk to you.”
“Okay.”
“Let’s go sit down.”
We exited the shed and I sat on the bench next to Kacey. Jack stood nearby, shifting a bit. My heart squeezed for him. He kind of seemed like he didn’t know what to do, where to go.
I put my hand on Kacey’s tiny little shoulder. “Do you remember how we were watching Clifford and you asked about Emily Elizabeth’s mommy and daddy?”
“Uh huh.”
