I thought we were talking about something else?
He barged ahead without waiting for my answer. “She was a pro at basketball. Man, she was good. I actually met her on my street where—”
“Stop!” I bolted upright, heat radiating off my body. “I said I didn’t want to talk about this.”
“You didn’t want to talk about Cameron. I thought I could—”
“You’re trying to warm me up to the idea of talking about him.” My raised voice penetrated the night. “I don’t appreciate that, Pat!”
“Okay, okay.” His attempt at soothing me didn’t work. “I’m sorry.”
I crossed my arms against my chest, and took a deep, pained breath. What was wrong with me? I couldn’t handle even the simplest provocation.
“Come back down here.” He patted the blanket beside him. “Please.”
Resisting his request was nigh impossible. Resisting anything about Pat was impossible, to be quite honest. Was I really angry at him? No, that wasn’t right. I was angry at myself. At Cameron. Pat was just the convenient emotional punching bag at the moment.
I eased myself onto the blanket beside him, and looked directly up into the stars. Except I didn’t see the beauties of the galaxy. I saw myself. Ugly and alone. Getting what I deserved.
“Look at me.”
Reluctantly, I obeyed. Even in the dark, his gaze sucked me straight into his heart. How was it possible for eyes to communicate so much? Every time I looked into Pat’s lovely hazel eyes, they seemed to say things his mouth never did. The depth of his care and hope for me. The extent of his brokenness and new determination to live with purpose. The calm, comforting tenacity of his spirit.
“I care about you. Did you know that?”
I said nothing, but goosebumps rippled down my arms. I cared about him too. Heck, Ilovedhim. I fell hard a long time ago.
He continued, “I want you to feel comfortable talking to me about anything. I’ve felt like something is holding you back. You’re withdrawn. And that’s fine. You don’t always have to be okay. I’m not asking for that.”
Tears pricked my eyes. I wanted to still be upset. Ward him off from ever broaching the subject again. But here I was, struggling to hold up my defenses.
“I do want you to let me in though, Jules.” His hand found mine in the dark. “Into the scariest places. There is nothing you could say that would surprise or shock me or chase me away. Promise.” He puffed a breath. “I gave you every reason to run from me and you stayed.” He tipped my chin up. “I’m staying. I don’t care how ugly it is.”
“It’s easy for you to talk about your past because you’re the freakingheroin yours and Gracie’s story.”
He shifted onto his side, propping up on his elbow to face me. “Is that really what you think?”
“Of course it is.”
“Jules—” Pat shook his head. “Jules, I was a coward. My life would be very different if I had done the right thing. My decision to stay silent affected every person I ever loved. I agreed to spend fourteen years in prison in order to protect myself and Gracie from a man who was dead two years later. You know how much money Mama made? She would’ve gotten the best of the best in law, fought with me. We could’ve won. But I was afraid.” He rested his hand on my belly. “We all do dumb stuff and have regrets. I have tons of them. There are so many things I would do differently if I got a do-over. My record is going to follow me forever.”
“You won’t understand.”
“Help me then. I want to understand you.”
I shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest. I tried to focus on the stars blurring in the sky above. I blinked the tears back. He wanted me to open up, but I didn’t want that. The scary places were better buried. In order to tell him all those things, I’d have to face them, too.
I couldn’t—wouldn’t—do that.
Silence fell between us. A few minutes later, he wrapped his arms around me, and I settled onto his chest. This time though, I didn’t relish in his scent or in the sound of his heart.
My mind was a million miles away.
I didn’t deserve another chance at happiness. But Pat deserved the world. He deserved someone far better than me. Someone who would love him devotedly. I was crazy about him, but still hopelessly in love with Cameron. It wasmy faultthe arms around me weren’t his.
Heat climbed up my neck and rushed into my face and ears. Pat’s body made me feel hot, sticky, guilty. Like I’d been caught cheating.
Why, oh why, did you have to die, Cameron?
