I was out the door before he could call again. Once safely down the corridor and the first flight of stairs, I leaned onto the railing to take a few breaths. My heart was thrashing out of control. Pat was a great guy, but something was off. I needed to keep my distance until I could figure out what it was—as hard as it may be.
* * *
I paced so long my bare feet were starting to hurt. I stopped short of the synthetic hardwood and stayed on the carpet to buffer the impact. I couldn’t sit if I wanted to. What was happening to me? I must’ve been the most fickle female in the entire world. I was having wild feelings for a guy I knew very little about when I was still in love with—and would always be in love with—someone else.
Pat was, honest to goodness, too good to be true.
Being with him was the highlight of my days. He made me feel more at ease than I’d ever been in my entire life. There was nothing I could do or say to rattle him. And it’s not like we hadn’t been in a few rattling situations.
Most of the attention I’d gotten from men in the last three years had been all sexual. Men just looking for a fun night. But Pat was different. I never felt like he was trying to take anything from me or use me in any way. He made me feel human. So human.
He was the first person in my life who didn’t see me through the lenses of Cameron. Everybody was miffed I hadn’t switched back into the “old Jules” yet. Like they were surprised losing my husband radically altered my life! Pat was the only one who liked me for who I was right now. Scars and all. Not like I had let him get close to those scars…
He did like me, right?
I liked Pat a lot, but my stupid brain was throwing warning flags. Something wasn’t right with him. It was more than the depression and suicide attempt. Was he hiding something? When I asked him questions about his past, he gave one word answers. Even though we’d been together non-stop for three weeks, I still knew very little about Pat’s background.
That scared me.
But then I felt like a dummy, because I wasn’t handing out free information either. Wedidagree to keep things casual. I remembered how he had held me, and how his eyes had studied my lips. We were on a freight train that rumbled past the casual station a long time ago. It was hard to keep things light when you’d been forced into vulnerability right from the start!
It was also easy to be vulnerable around Pat. He drew the emotions out of me, even though I worked night and day to bury those parts of myself.
I paced back into my office and plopped in front of my MacBook. The screen glowed to life. My fingers hovered over the keyboard; some invisible force kept me from typing his name.
My stomach turned, and my legs bounced with tension. What if I found something? What if he was hiding something big? Like marriage or he was a serial killer or something. The desk chair groaned beneath me as I sat back and crossed my arms. Indecision crowded my ability to think clearly.
Maybe that was the most disturbing part. I’d gotten so tangled up with this man the idea of finding bad news terrified me. I was happy right now—happier than I’d been in a long time. Doing a simple internet search could ruin everything.
It had been weeks since Gina and I had gone on any adventures. We had some biking planned last week, but I canceled it because I wanted to be with Pat. The weirdest part was, I didn’t feel stir crazy.
Butterflies erupted in my stomach yet again. The quiet and gentle Patrick was intoxicating. I was falling for him big time, wasn’t I?
I remembered lying in his arms a couple mornings ago. I’d relived every moment with him over and over. What would I do if he vanished from my life? Tears swam in my eyes. I couldn’t even entertain the thought.
I wanted to dig around, but risking us didn’t seem worth it.
Was “us” even a thing?
I shook my head. My imagination was running away with things that weren’t real. What I needed was a dose of thankfulness. I needed to be thankful someone as great as him was there to distract me from Cameron for a little while. No matter how little that while lasted. It’s not like we were getting married or anything.
I shut the laptop and pushed away from the desk.
TWENTY-SIX
Patrick
Pleasant Gap was the last place I wanted to be. I couldn’t even bring myself to call the place “home” anymore. The streets, the high school, and the park I used to love felt like a shadow. A shell of times past. Being there brought no joy. Bad memories outweighed the good.
Valiant liked the ride though. I kept the passenger window down, and his head was hanging out, tail wagging like crazy.
The truck inched through town. I’d been dreading this visit, but it was overdue. Years overdue. “Green Acres” sat on the other side of town. Given the small nature of Pleasant Gap, the other side of town meant a five minute drive.
I pulled into the cemetery, lugging flowers out with me. Daisies. Mama grew hundreds of them behind our home in the summers. She’d walk through her flower garden and hum. Only time I’d ever heard her do something remotely musical. The memory made me smile.
When Danny visited me at Riverbend, he said my Mama died of a broken heart. Once she was alone, she lost her will to live. Her prosperous career tanked, and a heart attack took her young. I’d left her all alone. So I figured the absolute least I could do was bring her daisies.
I weaved in and out of gravesites for half an hour, Val trotting behind me on the leash. I’d been to Daddy’s grave before, but the years left the whereabouts hazy.
