The walk wasn’t long, but my injuries made the going slow. My whole body was still sore and bruised from the river. Pat suggested I wait until I was feeling better, but I couldn’t face another night. Not until this was done.
Hot tears stung my eyes when we were still a long way off. I swiped at my face, dismayed by the intense current of emotions rippling through my body. My chest trembled as I gulped for air.
The headstones I passed were green, covered with a layer of spring pollen. A few more steps and we’d be there. My spirit was breaking, and my knees were giving way before I even read his name. My weight piled against Pat’s arm.
Cameron Collins.
The sound that came from me hurt. Hurt my throat, my head, my insides. I fell to my knees and flopped down on his resting place. Silent sobs twisted my body as I gripped the grass. Words were far away. There were none in the moment. Years of suppressed grief and regret wracked my body. The grass pricked at my face, and I beat the earth with my fists.
I wailed and cried. The anger I’d carried, the shame I’d attempted to hide, and the despair I’d tried to drown came rushing out like a tempest. My crying escalated to almost screaming a few times. It felt horrible, and I wished it would stop, but I was powerless against the flow.
Pat lay on the grass with me and rubbed my back.
I don’t know how long I cried, but it must’ve been a while because my eyes were swollen and my throat was so raw, I could hardly speak. Pat uncapped a water bottle for me.
When the trembling and tears diminished, I told Cam everything. Pat was right. Once I started talking, the truth and feelings spewed out. I said things I’d never said to anyone.
When I got to the part about our baby, I sobbed again. I had to walk off a few paces to throw up. Pat held my hair back.
Pat never looked at his watch. Never shushed me. Never told me to calm down. He was simply there. Sometimes he had a hand on my back, and sometimes he was crying, too. I thought it would be awkward having him there, listening in on the horrible things I’d done. But it wasn’t. It was easier.
I also told Cam about Pat. About how good he was to me, how much he loved me, and all the things he wanted to give me in this life. I felt like Cam already knew—which was why I saw him and our baby at the river. He knew, and he wanted me to live well. Of course he did. Cameron was a wonderful man who never wanted anything but my happiness.
I cried all over again as I sat there, dismayed that two amazing men loved me so deeply, despite my hurts and brokenness.
When the words slowed, I grabbed Pat’s hands and directed them around me. He pulled me against his chest and held me for a long time. I sniffled, and he did too. He pushed sweaty hair off my forehead and rocked me ever so slightly.
Saying goodbye to Cam was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. But a weight had rolled off my chest.
The birds chirped in the surrounding trees, and a few visitors came and went, leaving flowers and standing a while. The blue sky was dotted with clouds, which meandered through the sky. The spring breeze smelled damp and floral. A promise of new beginnings.
I remembered the vision.
Not yet.
I closed my eyes and took one more deep breath, inhaling and exhaling the promise of spring. I leaned into Pat’s chest and listened to his heart. The beating made me so very glad to be alive. So very glad my time was not yet.
Patrick, Sunny, me. A new beginning.
I tilted my head to look at him. My voice was raw. “I’m ready.”
He helped me up and brushed grass off of me.
I walked to the truck exhausted, but different. A new buzz settled into my spirit. Was it freedom? My shoulders sat higher, and my heart felt lighter than ever before. The fear of myself and the past receded, and hope for the future stirred within me.
When we were heading back to Nashville, I turned to Pat. “I need to tell the truth. One more time.”
I navigated him to Jack’s house.
Telling Cam gave me the strength to tell Jack. We settled on his couch, and I told him everything. Pat held my hand the whole time. Jack listened, nodding and rubbing his chin. He watched Pat every so often to gauge his reaction.
When I finished confessing everything, Jack pulled me close. He whispered into my hair. His own voice cracked with emotion. “I’m so sorry you suffered alone for so long.”
The comment broke me again, and I melted into his arms. My brother, who never cried, teared up. “Jules, you are my favorite person in the whole world. I wish I could’ve been there for you.”
“I’m sorry for everything.”
“Hey, shh, it’s not your fault.” He bent his knees to look me into the eyes. “You’re human. We all make mistakes and have regrets.”
