“I’m not done,” she snapped. “After the miscarriage, I started running around, drinking constantly, and doing all kinds of sports with Gina. I didn’t want to be alone with myself. I’d do anythingto not be alone. Working crazy hours, partying, sports, hook-ups.”
She scoffed again, shaking her head. “I hooked up with random guys I’d meet in the bar. I don’t know why I did it. I didn’t even want to. One time, I was hoping it would be over soon before it even started. Maybe—maybe I was trying to punish myself.”
“Jack barged into my apartment while some guy and I were getting it on.” She took a deep breath, moaned. “That’s when my relationship with Jack tanked. He was so pissed. Cam was his best friend for years. Jack lost faith in my ability to take care of myself and became so overbearing I started hating him, too.”
She glanced at me for a quick second. “I’ve never told anyone any of this.”
She bore all these secrets alone? She grabbed her stomach. I was worried she might get sick.
“This all is why I can’t marry you.” She waved at the story she told to the ceiling. “Cameron wanted land, gardens, a house I decorated, kids, and to replace the tiny ring on my finger with a big one. I know you were about to offer me all that.”
Understanding dawned on my brain like a red morning at sea.
“My immaturity killed my husband, and I hated his child. And now, this great guy wants me to waltz into this beautiful life with him. I’d be living Cam’s dream without him.”
I didn’t know what to say. It made sense. No wonder she was so conflicted.
“If you don’t hate me yet, you should. If you want a family, like you said you did, than you need to run far away from me. I am poison. Poison to you. Poison to—to Sunny.” Her voice quaked over the last word.
I gripped her hands. “Jules, I’m not leaving you.”
She turned again, and her blue eyes bore into mine. “I don’t want you here though, Pat. I only want Cameron.”
The words hit me like an arrow to the chest. Knocked the wind out of me. Surely, she didn’t mean that. I blinked a few times and studied her face. She looked all there when she said it. She hadn’t been talking out of her head.
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do mean it.” Her face was serious, jaw set.
My chest trembled as I forced another deep breath.
“I want you to leave.”
“I love you, Jules. I am not leaving because you hate yourself.”
Her eyes narrowed. “But Idon’tlove you.”
“Yes, you do—you’re lying to yourself because you feel guilty.”
“No. I only love Cameron. There’s no one else for me. So, unless you can miraculously bring him back from beyond the grave, get out of my apartment.”
I sat back on my feet, thinking she’d change her mind. She didn’t. Her frown got deeper as I sat there, unmoving.
“Pat, please leave!”
Her face was twisted. Angry.
How could this be happening? She picked up her phone and dialed a number. It was Jack. She told him I was there and wouldn’t leave. He said he was on the way. It was a cheap shot.
She was serious about wanting me gone.
I stood, my feet were numb and heart heavy as lead. She hung up, looking pleased with herself. I searched for the right words. She needed to know how I felt.
“I’m leaving, Jules, but only because you want me gone. I love you. Just as much as I did yesterday.” I stuffed the swell of emotions down. “None of what you’ve said changes anything. My home is with you. You’ll see it too…eventually.”
The door shutting between us was the final word.
* * *
