“I don’t know,” I said doubtfully, chewing on a bite of muffin.
Was I catching feelings? I turned that idea over in my head while we both finished eating. How long had it been since I’d had any kind of deep feelings for a woman? Years? A decade? My lifetime?
I always thought maybe I lacked whatever genetic component you needed to do the whole falling in love thing. My parents had never seemed to have the predisposition to love more than their careers.I was probably incapable of it, just like they were.
The thought made me restless. My knee bounced up and down beneath the table. I wanted to be on my feet, running. But Nora was still finishing her disgusting smoothie and it would be rude to run off before she was done.
“Tell me what you like about her,” Nora interrupted my thoughts of bolting.
I glanced up from the napkin I was shredding into pieces on my plate.
There were lots of things I liked about Eve. Her sarcastic humor, her stubbornness, the way she cared for her friends, her feistiness and boldness. Her confidence. And damn. She was beautiful.
Instead of saying any of those things, I found the most shallow on my list. “Her tits.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You’re not fooling me, Ben. If you’re not ready to admit anything to me, then fine. But don’t be an idiot and ruin something that could be great just because it’s never happened to you before and you’re scared.”
She hit the nail on the fucking head. Nora was a good friend. Never afraid to call me out on my bullshit. God knew I needed people like that in my life.
“You know I can’t help being an idiot sometimes,” I joked.
“Yeah, but I also know you’re more than your mistakes. And you’re more than your past. So, be more for her if that’s what you want.” She grabbed her trash from the table before ruffling my hair like I was a little kid and walking out of the coffee shop.
Did I want to be more for Eve? More than the charming playboy?
I wanted... I didn’t know. I wanted to be near her, to challenge her and watch her cheeks flame red and her eyes flare when I did. I wanted to go out and do new things with her and stay home and watch stupid movies with her. I wanted to be there for her when she needed me and have her do the same if I needed her.
I’d never wanted all those things with anyone else. And I wasn’t sure what it meant that I wanted those things with Eve. I was almost 30 years old, but when it came to relationships, I didn’t know how to be in one.
There was a first time for everything. I just needed to figure out if this was what I truly wanted, because if I messed things up with Eve this time, I didn’t think I’d be getting a third chance.
My New Motto
Eve
Ben: What’s your rehearsal schedule this week?
Eve: Oh my God. You’re alive.
Ben: Yes?
Eve: You haven’t texted me since the other night. I thought you might have been murdered in some back alley. I rehearse every day this week until 6.
Ben: The phone works both ways, princess. Miss me?;)
Eve: HA! Just your *eggplant emoji*
Ben: Sure, princess. Keep telling yourself that’s all you miss. :P
Ben’seagernesswascontagious.Ididmiss him, but I wasn’t going to admit that to anyone. I’d begun to crave the way I felt around him. He stoked some spark inside me, making me ignite like no one else had. I was ablaze when his eyes were on me. Ready to combust when he rasped words against my skin in the heat of the moment.
It was a slippery slope. If he took up any more of my headspace, things were bound to get complicated. I needed to reinforce some walls I’d built around my heart.
No feelings.
Just fun.
It was quickly becoming my new motto. As if the more I said it, the more likely it was that I’d be able to stick to it and not get caught up in Ben’s pretty words and charming smile.
