Everything had changed the second she had seen that glass break against his skull.
“If it’s not pity, what is it then? Because you wanted nothing to do with me before you saw—” Nikias’ voice cracked and he hated it. Every crack in his marble he despised. “Ever since you saw what you saw, you have been treating me differently. I would rather have your hatred than your pity.”
“I don’t know what to do.” Aimilia shot up from her seat. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you to respect me, not pity me.” Nikias stepped back, a breeze cutting through the air and sending the edge of his cloak brushing against his legs. “You can tell me all the stories you want to try and even the score, but there’s no undoing what’s been done.”
“You think I don’t respect you because of what I saw? Nikias, I would have had to respect you beforehand for that to matter.”
As if this couldn’t get worse, now she was openly laughing at him.
Nikias gestured at her. “See? You’re only proving my point.”
Aimilia stepped forward and grabbed his arms.
“Nikias, you don’t understand what I’m saying.”
Nikias grabbed her arms, fingers curling around her biceps gently as he said, “What else could you be saying?” His voice cracked. “Before—at least before I knew you didn’t like me. I understood your reasons for your claims that you hate me. And while you may not have respected my character, I knew the reasons for it. Reasons I could change and show myself worthy of your respect. And if nothing else, I knew that you at least respected me as a commander, as a mage, and as a man. If you didn’t, you never would have come to me and asked for my help for Gavril’s sake in your graduation tournament. You never would have listened to me—wrong as I might have been—when Gavril came back with Marcella, but now—now you know the whole truth.”
Aimilia held him by the shoulders, her grip firm and solid. “Nikias, I won’t lie to you and say that my view of you hasn’t changed radically based off what I know now.”
And it was a blow to his heart, but she had her hands on him, keeping him from running away once more.
Nikias’ eyes were filling with water, and he tried to shut them before she could notice and push the tears back down—the only thing that could make this situation worse than it already was was for him to start crying like a child.
Although with how low in her estimation he truly must have already sunk, he didn’t know how much further he could go.
If she already thought him pathetic and weak, how much more so would she if the sob that was threatening to come up his throat escaped? He managed to hold it back just long enough to say, “See? This is exactly what I didn’t want you to know. Why I want you to forget what you saw. How can you expect any man to want otherwise? You are thelastperson I ever wanted to find out. And not only did you find out, yousawit—you saw me at my absolute lowest. How can any man look the woman he wants tomarry in the eyes again after she saw him let himself be reduced to such a state?”
Nikias still couldn’t bring himself to say any of the specific details.
It simply wasn’t done. Not even with Gavril.
Aimilia’s fingers gently brushed his jaw, her soft touch drawing his eyes open. She whispered, “If you will only let me tell you one thing right now, let it be this: I have seen you at your lowest moment, and it was not when I was watching from that passageway.”
Nikias stared down at her, taking deep breaths, trying to steady his heart.
Aimilia took another breath. “You think your lowest moment was that? You think in that moment you were the pathetic one? You think in that moment you were the problem? If watching you drag Marcella away to make her pay for a crime she didn’t commit, half deranged with your grief and the ghosts that haunt you now wasn’t enough to make me even flinch or hesitate to meet your eyes, how then could this?”
Nikias wasn’t following.
Aimilia’s hand shifted, moving to cup his cheek as she said, “You want to know the day I lost all respect for you? It was that day in the hallway. Do you remember what I said?”
Nikias would never forget their exchange.
“You disgust me.”
“That’s certainly nothing new.”
“I wish you had gone in first. I wish the Desero demon had killed you instead.”
“Finally. We have something in common.”
Had it been that moment that had sealed his fate? Had it been that day in the hallway that had ensured Hypatia’s horrific vision would one day come to pass?
Was Nikias’ misery inevitable?
“I do.”
