“I wish it had never happened.”
“Finally, we have something in common then.” Aimilia echoed his parting words from that day. She ducked her head for a moment, then her voice came softer even than the breeze. “I don’t wish it had been you. Not even if it meant Gavril would be king.”
Had he heard that right?
“You…” Nikias’ hands fell to his sides. “Really?”
Aimilia paused, closed her eyes, and then opened them with a nod and a slow breath out. “Yes. You… You did change my mind about that when you negotiated with Hypatia. I will admit one day you’ll be a good king, and maybe—despite your faults—even someday a great one.”
There it was again. Hope.
A strange foreign thing to him, but one he could not get rid of. It was a stubborn little thing. Much like the girl it was always attached to for him.
If she could change her mind about that…
“That means a lot to me.”
“Don’t let it mean too much.” Aimilia crossed her arms. “That doesn’t change anything. I still remember that day… the day I begged you not to put Marcella back on the table.”
“Aimilia… I’m not that man.” His hands shifted, and he brushed his palm against her arm. “Not anymore.”
“You know… I’ve felt a lot of things in regards to you.” Aimilia’s head tilted ever so slightly, causing the few loose strands to brush her shoulder. “Usually hate. Occasionally compassion. Pity, once. A lot of anger. But even with your position, your power, your dislike of me, I was never once afraid of you… until that day. I remember it so clearly, watching from the edge of the throne room as you had Marcella dragged in. I was repulsed by you, but even more, I wasafraid.”
He… He couldn’t hold that reaction against her. But he’d never once imagined she could fear anything, much less him.
“If you were afraid of me, why did you come out and try to stop me? Why did you keep defying me?”
Aimilia blinked at him. “How could I do anything else?”
His esteem for her only grew.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know how many times and how many ways I can say it in order to make you believe me. I regret it more than you could ever know, and even so, I know that I can never undo what I’ve done.”
“I know.” Aimilia shook her head. “And I know you say you’re not that man anymore. Maybe… Maybe I believe you, but you could be. I hate you for the fact that you could be that man again.”
“And the fact that I would sooner die than let myself sink to those depths again means nothing?”
At his words, she ducked her head and stared at the floor.
Nikias hated her silence.
What was going through her head? What was she thinking now?
“And even with all of that, you still returned my cloak and cried when you saw what had been done to me.”
Finally, she looked up again, with a helpless shrug. “You’re Gavril’s brother. I hate you, but I care about him. That’s how it’s always been with us. That’s how it’s meant to be.”
Couldn’t she see it didn’t have to be? Unless…
“Do you still love him?” Nikias braced himself. It was necessary. He had to know?—
“Not that it’s any of your business, but… Gavril is my oldest and closest friend. He’s everything you’re not. I’ll always love him.” Aimilia smiled, pained and sad, and all he wanted was to pull her in his arms even as her words clawed into his chest. Then she said, “But that doesn’t mean I’m in love with him.”
“You’re not?”
“I don’t expect you to understand. Nor can you say anything about my friendship with your brother or my feelings. You have no room to condemn me.” She shook her head, that awful smile growing wider and sadder. “You’ll always be in love with Faustina.”
Oh, how little she actually knew. How much he wished he could tell her.
