She hadn’t seen that horror in his eyes in so long. The turning of her stomach and sweeping chill over her wasn’t real. The sensations would pass.
“That’s what I am to you? An experiment you can’t afford to get attached to?”
Hellebore nodded.
“And what about thinking of a future with me? What’s all this been about then, if you insist there is no possibility you could care for me?”
“Purely practical thinking. As for the rest… I’m putting in the work to try to keep you from dying. That should be enough.”
“It’s not.” Taiyo let go of the table, reaching for her arm. His fingers gently curled around her bicep as his voice lowered. “I want more.”
“I am afraid I don’t know what you mean.”
He grabbed her other arm and pulled her closer, bringing his forehead down to hers. “Don’t pretend to be stupid. You know exactly what I’m talking about. I want a real marriage. I’mtired.There’s still the strong possibility I’m going to die. From before I laid eyes on you, I knew I would marry you and die. If I don’t have long left, I don’t want to spend it in a sham of a marriage.”
Her breath hitched despite her iron will.
“Why, you can ask. Why have I been doing this, all of this all this time? Knowing who you are, who you are so similar to in so many horrible ways, I still could not help myself. I could not stop myself from wanting this to be something real. I don’t want todie—”
Taiyo’s voice cracked and his grip on her tightened. He was trembling against her.
All this time, even as she’d been insisting upon saving him, he had an air of peace about him. Any time he talked about his possible death, never so much as a crack.
She wasn’t the only one who’d been trying to be emotionless.
She reached up, placing her hand on his side. He took a deep, shuddering breath. The orange ends of his hair brushed the collar of her blouse.
“I don’t want to die,” he whispered again, eyes squeezed tightly shut, as if it was the first time he was truly letting himself say it and mean it. “But… I especially don’t want to die before ever having a real marriage.”
If he’d said this any other time, or if he were human, she would have understood his meaning far differently. But this wasn’t about consummation.
“Taiyo…” Hellebore whispered. “I can’t… I… What I can give you is your life. That’s the hope. I succeed, and I save you, and all of these fears of yours are for nothing. Because I’m going to die, and at worst, you’re only going to have to wait about sixty years, and to you that’ll be so little time. You’ll have half of your life for you to have a real marriage. You don’t need to force yourself to make do with me. You’ll marry a beautiful Sun Elf, and you can tell her she has me to thank for the fact that you’re even alive to be the wonderful husband you will be to her.”
Taiyo opened his eyes, taking her face in his hands, eyes burning once more. “Is that supposed to be a comfort? Do you think I’ve been holding you in my arms every night and I’m not tormented? Can you not see how desperately I want you to save me so I can be with you a little longer? And, yet, at the same time I’m torn because if you do, it means one day I will lose you and have to spend decades mourning you. I do not want some marriage with someone else. I wantthismarriage. I know the difference between wanting to be a husband and wanting to be your husband.”
“You just…” Hellebore breathed out. “You just believe that because you’ve convinced yourself of it. You’re a good, loyal elf. You think these things because you feel like you have to. Eventually, you won’t be able to convince yourself any longer. You can dress me in your people’s clothes all you want, but that doesn’t make me a Sun Elf.”
“I don’t want you to be.” Taiyo’s fingers slipped from her cheek to her ear. She shivered as he gently ran his fingertips over the rounded curve. “You are the one who needs to be convinced. For someone so smart, you are so willfully blind. Do you not see how beautiful you are to me? Do you not realize the power youhave over me? Have you not seen how any time you come before me in my people’s clothes and colors, you bring me to my knees? Not because you look like an elf, but because you look like you are mine.”
“Is that all you want? Possession? Is that what will satisfy you?” Hellebore couldn’t stop her voice from turning into a weak, breathy sound.
“You’ve made yourself clear today. So have I. You know what I want. I know what you think you can’t give. But you don’t have to be Palladia. You don’t have to shut me out. You don’t have to fear any attachment to me. I’m not your experiment. I’m not one of your plants for you to desiccate. I am your husband.”
Taiyo pulled his hand away, letting his fingers drag across her skin until they finally parted. His hand hovered in the air for a moment as he walked backwards, away from her and the rotting irises. He curled his fingers in and then let his hand fall, eyes burning into her.
“And since you refuse to accept it, and you’re afraid of caring for me because you fear you’ll lose me, take the iris. Use it. Save them. Save me. Once you no longer have to fear losing me, I will be here so you can finally show me where you’ve hidden your heart.”
Hellebore was alone again, useless organ pounding.
She took a deep breath. Focus. Once she’d saved him, she could prove to him he was wasting his time trying to wish her into a wife that could love him.
Chapter 21
Hellebore only had a month left. She pushed aside all emotion and immersed herself wholly in the rot.
Any time Taiyo tried to raise a concern, she gave him a cold look and told him that if he didn’t want to die, he needed to trust her. With how little time there was left, it always shut him up.
She was getting closer; she could feel it in her bones.
