There’s a silence I have trouble filling, but Connie digs me out of that hole. Either she saw us or realised something was going on. I look towards her.
“I’ll just…” She gestures with her thumb over her shoulder while Angie turns her head the other way. I get up and walk around, trying to control my breathing while combing my fingers through my hair.
“Yeah, thanks, Connie,” I say, but she’s already gone.
“Angie—”
I don’t know where I’m going from here. Her blue eyes shine towards me, but all I do is rub my brow with my fingertips.
“I’d better collect Josh and go.” Angie pauses at the bottom of the stairs. Maybe she wants to say something. After a few seconds, she finally climbs them in silence.
Fuck. What have I done?
Angie is up there for a while but when she eventuallycomes down with Josh, he runs straight for me, grabbing onto my legs. “Thank you for having me, Uncle Tommy.”
Ruffling his hair, my eyes focus on Angie. “No problem, buddy.”
“Get your toys from the garden, Josh. I’ll be there in a second,” Angie says, not meeting my gaze.
He nods and runs out the back door.
There’s another brief pause. “Thanks for having Josh over,” she says, following him.
I should ask her to stay and talk or see her tonight, but instead, I blurt out a question that’s been playing on my mind. “Are you still seeing that guy?”
She pauses, with her fingers on the door handle.
“It’s a simple question.” I don’t want to put pressure on her, but I need to know.
Silently, she opens the door and leaves without another word.
Her silence speaks volumes and gives me the answer I was dreading. I’ve lost her before we’ve even begun.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
ANGIE
“We’ve beenfriends longer than we were ever together as a couple,” I say, thinking out loud and reflecting on how I treated Tommy. “Why did I panic? Why did the words I wanted to say, get stuck in my throat? He must hate me.”
I take a daisy from the wildflower bouquet I’ve placed on Scott’s plaque and, one by one, pick the tiny white petals from the bright yellow centre. I almost kissed Tommy and I let that thought eat away at my conscience. Now I’m here, doing what I always do in times of self-doubt. I visit Scott’s memorial and let it all come out. This special place where we buried his ashes has become my confessional.
No one will ever replace Scott, but there is something between me and Tommy that I can’t deny. I felt a bolt of lightning for the first time in years. I won’t ignore it or the swirl in my stomach every time the memory of his mouth so close to mine fills my head. It’s not a bad swirl either. It’s an excited one, and that’s the problem. The excitement also fills me with guilt. Shouldn’t I be grieving forever?
“What do I do?” Looking up to the sky, I’m in turmoil. “Should I have these feelings for another man? EspeciallyTommy. He hurt me once upon a time and I hated him for it, but because of your wise words, my darling Scott, I came around and finally forgave him.”
“Anger is a wasted energy. The past is done, and no amount of hate will change that. Give Tommy a chance. He’s a really great bloke.”
“You were right and since losing you, he’s been there for me whenever I need him. He always has my back and, up until this point, we’ve never once felt anything more than friendship. At least, I haven’t.”
Wiping my tears on the back of my sleeve, I continue to think out loud. “I’m so confused. Why is getting close to Tommy so devastating, yet I didn’t care when Fraser full on kissed me? Is it because Fraser meant nothing, but Tommy… shit.” Realisation hits me like a brick.
My throat is raw as I swallow down the lump inside. “I don’t want to lose his friendship. Is it possible to have both? You and I did, so why can’t I have that with Tommy?” Looking up again to the heavens, I hope for some kind of sign that I know will never come.
I pick another daisy from the small bunch I’ve added to his vase and twirl it between my fingers while I look around.
“It’s so quiet here, but then I’m used to having Josh around. He’s growing fast, you know and he makes me laugh all the time, just like you used to do. He’s got your smile and your charm.” I smile to myself. “He certainly drives the girls wild at school, but that could be because he tries to put plasticine in their hair. His teacher called me about it last week.”
I look around the memorial garden and it’s empty. “I don’t know how you stand this silence all the time. You know, sometimes, once Josh has gone to bed, I keep the TVon just for company. I still haven’t got used to being on my own. I don’t think I ever will. Jesus, what will I do once Josh grows up and leaves home? What if I turn into one of those crazy old cat ladies? It’s probably a good job I’m not keen on them.”
