ANGIE
Tears spilldown the side of my face while I stare at the ceiling. My focus blurs in and out as tears continue to pool and overflow. It’s been a long, sleepless night and my train of thought is going at full speed.
My work schedule was rotating in my head when I initially woke up, but then my mind turned to the date I’d been on with Fraser. He took me to dinner, and we didn’t stop talking. Or rather, he didn’t, but that was a good thing. He made my first date in God knows how many years, easy.
There was just one problem. That buzz of excitement when you meet someone new who has the potential to be more than a friend, was missing. This led me to remember how it felt with Scott.
I was eleven and just starting secondary school when I met him. We were friends, then we weren’t for a while, but in our twenties, our paths crossed again out of the blue.
The clincher was ending up in his tent at the Braebeach festival. We got into a heated argument that led to heated sex. Despite our differences, there was an undeniable fire betweenus that wouldn’t die down no matter how much I fought it, and believe me, I tried to fight it many times.
Scott didn’t. He kept pursuing me until I gave in. It didn’t take me long to realise he was the one, and that’s how it should be, shouldn’t it? The urgency to be with someone; the raging burn inside you can’t ignore. You only get that once in a lifetime, and Scott was the man to light my fire. It’s sad to think I might never get that back again.
I wish he were here; he’s missing so much. Our son grows bigger by the day and is the most incredible boy with so much love to give.
It hasn’t always been easy doing this on my own, and I’m not talking about the practical side of parenthood, because focusing on Josh is the one thing that got me through each day. What I mean is things like witnessing your child’s first smile, the first time they roll over on their play mat, then later their first day at school and so many other firsts. You forget yourself and become overexcited and giddy but soon realise there’s no one around to share those moments with.
Yesterday, I got a phone call from Josh’s teacher to say he’s made it into the school Judo team and is the youngest at just five years old. I’m so proud. When I got off the phone, I squealed at the top of my voice like an absolute lunatic, but when I stopped, I was looking around an empty room again.
These are my thoughts as I lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling, silently crying to myself. Whoever said grief gets better over time is talking a pile of shit.
My phone dances on the bedside cabinet and interrupts my tears. The call brings a slight smile to my face when I see Calla’s name lighting up the screen. She couldn’t have called at a better time. She’s currently in New York with Ash on the last leg of the band’s tour, although I hope there’s nothing wrong. It’s late there.
“Hey, you.” I smile, quickly wiping away my tears with the back of my hand and adjusting my voice to a higher pitch so she can’t tell I’ve been crying. “You’re calling late, or early. Whichever way you want to look at it.”
“I didn’t wake you, did I? I forgot to check the time.”
“No. I’m already up and reading,” I lie. I can’t tell her I’m wallowing in self-pity.
“Oh. Are you all right?”
“Yes, just not tired.” My arm rests over my eyes so I can block out the light.
“Are you sure? You’re not overdoing it at work again, are you?”
Ah, yes. The other pain in the arse that’s keeping me awake at night. “No. Stop panicking.”
“Sorry.” I hear her smile down the line. She knows she’s fussing. “What about Trunchbull? Have you got rid of her yet?”
“You can’t talk about my nanny like that.” Admittedly, I hired her in a panic, but it’s only for a few months until my workload calms down. Up until recently, I didn’t have any help at all.
“I don’t care. We both know she’s too strict and Josh doesn’t like her.”
“Well, until I find someone else, she’s staying. I’ve got to work, Cal. Anyway, what’s going on with you? You sound a little panicked.” I ask quickly to change the subject.
“Have you heard from Tommy yet?”
I smile to myself. Hardly a week goes by without a call from him. He likes to check I’m okay. I’d love to see him more, but his family commitments and the band keep him out of the country most of the time. At least he’s on the end of the phone anytime I need him.
“No. Why? Should I have heard from him?”
“He’s bound to call you soon, so I’m not saying anything I shouldn’t. At least, I hope I’m not.”
“Has something happened?” I ask.
“Only the biggest shitstorm you could ever imagine.”
I sit up and prop my pillows behind me, knowing I’m in for a long conversation. “Spill it.”
