Chapter Twelve
Hudson
The hardest decision I made that night was not to go home with him. I wanted to. After the night of learning more about the club with him and experiencing so many things together, more than anything, I wanted to spend the night underneath him, languid in his arms.
Instead, my fear got the best of me.
I didn’t even know why I went to the club with him. I should’ve said no. Made a clean break of things. But when he spoke to me, all my promises to myself crumbled. The alpha knew how to speak directly to my soul and my wolf.
He gently guided me through all kinds of experiences at the club.
The heartbreak in his eyes was palpable. It broke mine in turn. He asked me to go home with him, but it felt like leading him on. That would be the last time I did it.
From now on, I wouldn’t make him believe there would ever be more. I woke up and went to work, letting the busyness of the patients get me through the day. My phone buzzed several times. Messages. Missed calls when I was on my lunch break.
I didn’t click on them, worried he would see them read, but I saw some of them in the notifications.
Are you okay?
Can I see you again?
I hope last night wasn’t too much.
They slowed but, by the time I got off work, the calls began. He knew my schedule. He’d wanted to know all about me and my work, and I told him like a fool. I still wanted the Korean chicken from the new place, but there was no way to get there without passing by the club. Even a second of him would make me crack.
I got home and turned off my phone after ordering some food delivered. I showered and busied myself with dusting, dishes, and vacuuming until every inch of my apartment was spotless, which didn’t take long because it was tiny. But it was my first apartment that was just mine.
I realized, standing there, looking at my handiwork, that part of my fear about moving into another relationship was my apartment. If I got into a relationship with Evander, I would eventually move into his townhouse or somewhere else big enough for both of us, and there would always be this nudging inside me, telling me that if we broke up, I wouldn’t have a place to live.
This box of an apartment was my lifeline. My security. My independence.
I wouldn’t do anything to lose it.
I watched my finances like a hawk, saving as much as I could in case of a rainy day or a stormy month.
All part of the plan not to be under anyone’s control ever again.
Loving Evander threatened my autonomy.
He had never said or done anything similar to my previous alphas, but it terrified me to think about going back to that situation or anything like it.
I never thought my alphas would turn on me, but they did.
They were nice in the beginning as well.
As the night progressed, I turned my phone back on. Multiple missed calls. More missed texts.
I sighed and pushed my dinner aside. He would get over me, and my wolf would get over him.
I continued to tell myself those words like a chant, repeating it until I almost believed it.
Almost.
The truth was, I was miserable without him. Even a few hours dragged on for weeks, it seemed. I missed his smile. The way he looked at me, with adoration instead of possession.
Even during those moments of lust and passion, I felt cared for.
I might never find that with someone else, but it was a risk I had to take, to save myself.
