He first gets the violin case inside, and after gently setting it down against the wall, he steps in, elegantly like only Corvus Van der Horn could in these circumstances.
It’s eerily quiet without his music, and I’m grateful to last night’s Dalton for taking out the trash as soon as he arrived, because at least the place doesn’t smell anymore.
Corvus clears his throat and shuts the window behind him.
I lean against the wall and wordlessly invite him to take the only chair at the counter. I don’t usually host anyone beyond the countless guys I fucked on the mattress in the other corner of the room. Now I wish I’d invested in a bed frame, but it’s too late for that.
Corvus rubs his shoulders, because of course it’s way too cold here. I could barely sleep even after putting on most of the clothes I own. This is his cue to run before he says another thing he regrets, because after seeing my filthy studio, he’s surely thinking of a way out.
“Dalton,” he says, stepping toward me, blue eyes wide, as if he’s worried I might disappear on him if he blinks. “I made a mistake. I wish I could tell you I don’t know what came over me, but that would be a lie.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, you believed some ass wipe instead of me, that’s what came over you.”
Just remembering the moment Corvus confronted me out of nowhere and pressed a knife to my throat makes something in my chest constrict, but if I can break someone’s neck, I can also be frank with the man I still want so badly, regardless of how much he hurt me.
The blue eyes I love looking into over morning coffee are so dim now, but Corvus is determined to keep the flame going and reachesout for my hand. “It was plausible… I… panicked and acted without thinking things through, and then it was too late.”
I slap his hand away, breath catching in my throat. “It wasplausible? That I betrayed you? That I’m lying to you? Sit the fuck down and say what you need to say, because now I’m just getting pissed off.”
He follows my command, and the rickety chair I found in the street a year back creaks in warning. But it does that every time I sit in it too, so I opt to pretend Corvus didn’t immediately stiffen, prepared to roll to the floor.
“It was plausibleto me. I’ve been hiding all my life, Dalton, and there’s always people trying to use secrets against you,” he says, squeezing both his hands into fists.
Okay, I’ll entertain it, but I can’t force myself to look into his eyes.
“So why are you here?”
Corvus shoots up and grabs my arms, squeezing them with unexpected force. “Because I need you in my life! Because… you make everything better. I—” His face scrunches as he looks away from me, holding on even when I push at his chest.
“You what?” I ask, annoyed how soft my voice comes out. I don’t have the heart to push him away. Something’s going on with him, and my protective feelings are kicking in. I hate myself for always giving people too many chances, but can’t do anything about it being in my nature.
Corvus breathes through his lips, face turned away as he chews on his answer, stiff as if the cold in my apartment is making him freeze. Words to urge him are at the tip of my tongue when he speaks, voice tight and breathy. “I’m scared that I’ll let someone manipulate meagain. You’re so perfect. People don’t just fit together like we do. It seems too good to be true.”
I take a quick glance at my apartment, shocked by that compliment. Perfect? Hardly. He’s the one with the tailored suits, the money, sharp cheekbones and an ass to die for. I swallow, trying to process what he’s saying. “What do you mean ‘manipulate you again’?”
He exhales, dropping his chin to his collarbone, as if he wishes I hadn’t asked that question. But now that it hangs over us, he has no choice but to answer. There’s no defiance in him, nor pride. He’s just a man with a dark secret he’s about to reveal to a person who needs to hear it.
“I was a rebellious teenager. I thought I was smarter than everyone else around me and walked straight into a trap. There was this man at a concert I snuck out to see. He flirted with me, gave me the butterflies, made me imagine a future where we’re together, and I believed it, like idiot teenagers do. But it was just a trap. He and his buddies worked for the enemy. They captured me, used me to lure my father, and… he died saving me,” Corvus whispers, lifting his gaze to mine.
I swallow, processing all of that. I can see him struggling, yet he said it all so matter-of-factly. I know how important his father was to him. As much as I hate what he did to me last night, I have such a soft spot for him, still. I take half a step closer and pull him into a hug, just because he needs it, and it’s my life’s purpose to give him everything he requires.
It shouldn’t feel so right to hold him, but it does.
Corvus gasps for air, and his arms slide around my body, tightening fast, until I can barely breathe. “It was a bloodbath. It was too late for him, but I still tried to call for help. He only cared about one thing. Hemade me promise no one would ever know how I was captured, or that I’m gay.” His words are like a whimper when he rubs his nose against my cheek. “He didn’t want anyone to know how I failed everyone. But today, I’m breaking that promise, because I need you to understand.”
I cup the back of his head, cradling him close, my heart frantic against his. While what he did hurt me to my core, I see now that he’s trapped by his own mistrust more than I’m wounded by it. “I want to be your rock,” I whisper and kiss his temple. “But you have to let me.”
The way he trembles makes me want to whisk him away to a safe place, where there is no room for any threats to our happiness.
Corvus kisses my cheek, squeezing me even harder. “I will. I’m so sorry about everything. About yesterday, and the way we met, and how I treated you throughout. I was scared what might happen if I get in too deep, but it happened anyway,” he adds, sliding straight into my only chair the moment I loosen my hold.
This time, the crack is loud and sharp, and Corvus collapses along with it.
“Fuck!” I’m dying of embarrassment, and hold out my hand to help him up. “No, I’m sorry. This place is… It’s not great. You’re worth more than this. It’s all a bit shit.I’ma bit shit, you deserve better, but I’m still greedy for you, because, yeah, it’s not like I’ve un-loved you since yesterday.”
Corvus looks up at me from the sorry remains of the chair, but instead of taking my hand, he rolls to his knees, and then sits on his heels at my feet. I’m self-conscious, because I can’t remember the last time I vacuumed the carpet, but he doesn’t seem to notice its muddy shade and smiles. “I definitely don’t deserve better than you, Dalton.That’s like telling me to look for a taller mountain after I already climbed Mount Everest,” he tells me and gently takes hold of my hand.
My heart beats faster, and I have to smile because all I’ve ever wanted was to be seen and appreciated. A little pat on the head for a job well done. It’s probably what made me such a good fighter in the first place.
