When I turn to look at him, he’s gazing at me with his brow furrowed, like he’s not sure if he should speak. Maybe he’s worried I’ll cry on him again.
Or maybe he’s not worried about that. Maybe he’s genuinely being a friend right now and keeping quiet so this can play out the way I need it to.
I really appreciated his kindness back there in the restaurant. I really thought he’d hate having to deal with my onslaught of emotion – he certainly would have back in the day – but he was a real sweetheart about it.
Itmusthave been uncomfortable for him, but he didn’t make me feel stupid or embarrassed about it.
He just took care of me.
It had surprised me. In a good way.
And now I feel like I owe him an apology for ruining his night.
‘I’m so sorry about losing it back there,’ I say, painfully aware of the shake in my voice. ‘I guess talking about it opened a floodgate I’d been holding back. Dislodged an emotional blockage.’
‘Emotional blockage. Yeah. I get it,’ he says, giving a nod.
‘Pretty sexy, huh?’ I say, shamefaced.
He grins at that. ‘You are, yes, Dasher. The sexiest. And really fucking brave to stand up and face everyone. Especially when the selfish prick shit the bed the way he did.’
I can’t help but smile at that and I let out a long, low sigh, feeling some more of the stress I’ve been carrying leave my body. ‘I don’t know. He’s not really a bad person. He just didn’t handle things well.’
‘You don’t need to make excuses for him, you know. He’s a grown man and he should know better than to treat you like that.’
‘I don’t think he meant to hurt me,’ I say lamely.
Kit folds his arms. ‘But he did and you have every right to be pissed off with him.’
‘I know, but we were friends for so long and, despite everything, I still care about him.’
He frowns. ‘But there’s no way you’d ever take him back, right?’
I pause for a moment, but I’m sure of my answer to that. ‘No. He seems very sure he wants to be with Deacon – the guy he cheated on me with. Anyway, even if he did come crawling back, how could I ever trust him again? I’d always be wondering whether he’d suddenly announce he’d fallen for someone else again. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d been upfront about how he felt about Deacon when he first started having feelings for him, but he didn’t say a word. It’s the deceit that hurts so much. I genuinely thought he was my best friend, as well as my lover, and that he’d never do anything to hurt me. But he wasn’t and he did.’
‘Then think of it as dodging a bullet.’
Trying to order my thoughts, I gaze at Kit, taking in his furrowed brow and the fierce emotion in his dark eyes.
This is a side to him I’ve never seen before – an emotionally mature side. He’s really listening to me and being supportive.
Maybe he’s not as self-centred as I thought he was.
He’s clearly way more sensitive than most people at uni – including me, I’m ashamed to say – gave him credit for.
But he’s hung on to the roguish charm I remember too.
It makes for a heady mix.
This thought brings back memories of laughing with him a lot when we first got together. He had this way of looking at me that just cracked me up every time. A kind of wicked twinkle in his eye. I loved that. It was the most genuine thing about him, that grin, especially when he couldn’t maintain his usualI’m too cool to find anything funnybullshit act and accidentally showed me his real feelings.
He made me feel like I was the only one who truly understood him when he let his guard down like that.
Not that it happened that often.
We’re still gazing at each other and I could swear something changes in his expression. I’m not sure what it is though. It’s a subtle shift.
As if he’s sensed my confusion, he looks away and leans back on his hands, adopting a more casual pose.
