This is not how I expected my visit to Japan to go.
I was all set to spend the majority of it alone, processing my feelings about the end of my relationship with Adrian and coming to terms with the fact I’m now single – and free – though not in the place I thought I was going to be, both emotionally and physically, at this point in my life.
But no. Bloody Kit had to turn up and destroy my plans like the wrecking ball he is.
I don’t even know how to feel about what happened between us last night. At the time I wanted it to happen, so much, but now I’m wondering whether it was a huge mistake to let myself get so close to him again.
He’s always made my head spin. It was one of the reasons I split up with him five years ago.
I felt so out of control andconsumedby my craving for him. It was disconcerting. Especially because he didn’t seem to feel the same way about me.
After giving myself a talking to, I pull it together and head into Kyoto to look around the centre of the city, trying to keep my mind on the things I’m seeing and experiencing, instead of how my body is still humming with a long-ignored need that Kit’s woken up in me.
It’s a buzzy city, full of tourists, many of them dressed in traditional kimonos with tabi socks and zori sandals, which I discover can all be hired for the day from a number of shops on the main streets.
I consider hiring an outfit myself, but decide against it for now. I’d feel a bit strange walking around in it on my own.
This, of course, makes me think about Kit again.
He’d probably be encouraging me to do it if he was here. He was always up for a laugh.
I think Adrian would have probably told me to go ahead and do it too, but he would have said it to indulge me, rather than actually understanding the fun I saw in it. And he’d have been a bit uncomfortable walking around with me dressed like that. He’s always been pretty reserved about how he – and by extension I – appear to other people. I’ve found this frustrating at points, but I could usually jolly him out of it. It was always an extra effort I could have done without though, if I’m being honest.
At the thought of Adrian, a wave of grief-tinged tiredness hits me from out of nowhere and I decide to call it a day on the sightseeing for now and head back to the hotel.
Perhaps I should take a quick nap, then have a swim before dinner. Pamper myself a little.
I try not to think about what Kit might be up to tonight. No doubt he’ll be flirting full-force with some of the rich and polished women I saw at the pool yesterday. He’s never been one to let anything get in the way of him having a good time.
I jump on one of the local trains back to the town nearest the hotel, making a note of where the bamboo forest is located on my walk back. I plan on getting up before dawn tomorrow and arriving there just as the sun is rising.
The stroll back to the hotel along the river soothes me, the rushing of the water a balm to my ears after the busy noise of the city, and I experience a swoop of pleasure at being here in Japan. I’ve heard people, who have holidayed here, rave about it for so long and I can’t quite believe I’m finally here myself, and that it’s just as wonderful as they said it was.
Despite all that’s happened to me recently, I feel an intense gratitude for the life I have. There are so many positive things in it and I’m confident I’ll be able to get past Adrian’s betrayal eventually and form it into a new shape. A stronger one.
Maybe Sadie’s right. I should treat the split as an opportunity to reassess what I want from life, then take it in a new, exciting direction. Whatever that may be.
Right now I have absolutely no idea.
Stepping back into the hotel, the first thing I hear is the sound of low male laughter coming from the direction of the bar, which is on the far side of the vast reception, by floor-to-ceiling windows that look out over the river.
I’d know that laugh anywhere.
A strong sense of bitter-sweet nostalgia washes over me, and a tingle that starts at the base of my spine rushes up my back and travels over my skin, making me shiver with pleasure. But there’s another feeling underneath it too. Something a bit like jealousy. Which is crazy. I don’t care who Kit is laughing with. It’s none of my business and he has every right to have a good time without me.
We’re not even really friends, let alone partners in any sense. Not even fuck buddies, after my abrupt halting of proceedings last night.
Still, I’m inexplicably drawn towards the bar, just to see who it is that’s made him laugh like that.
As I get closer I see, as I predicted, that he’s sitting with a group of women from the pool yesterday and they’re all focused intently on him as he regales them with a story or a joke – I’m too far away to hear exactly what he’s saying.
I’m fascinated by how much more grown-up he seems now. How confident and self-assured. How in control of his own universe.
It’s really hot.
I watch him come to his conclusion, then lean back in a satisfied manner as the whole group around him burst into laughter.
It’s at this moment he looks towards where I’m standing, watching him, and our gazes lock.
