"How bad is it?" he asked quietly, the playfulness I'd seen in interviews and variety shows completely absent, replaced by a seriousness that sat strangely on his young features. "How long have you been fighting this alone?"
The wordalonehit me harder than I expected. It echoed something Jeni had said —you don't have to do this alone anymore— and I felt my carefully constructed walls tremble.
"A few days," I admitted, surprising myself with the honesty. "Since the first two bonds triggered."
"Jin-ho-hyung told us about your mother," Tae-min said softly, his voice gentling, his scent shifting to something less intense, something that felt almost like comfort. "About what happened to her…he did some digging…. We all know now."
My breath caught, but instead of the sharp spike of anger I expected, I only felt tired. So tired of carrying this weight. "I figured he would."
"He was trying to help us understand," Tae-min continued, holding up his hands in a placating gesture when he saw my expression. "We didn't get it at first. Hwan-hyung was confused— hurt, I think, that you ran from him without even letting him speak. And Jin-ho-hyung... he was quieter about it, but I could tell it affected him too. So he did research. Found the articles about your mother."
"What did you think?" I asked before I could stop myself, the question slipping out past my defenses. "When you read about her? About what she did?" Tae-min was quiet for a moment, his dark eyes thoughtful as he considered the question. The fluorescent lights hummed overhead, and somewhere behind us I could hear the cashier shifting impatiently, but neither of us looked away from each other.
"I thought she must have been very brave," he said finally, his voice soft. "Very scared and I thought... I thought it was really sad that she felt like that was her only choice." The words landed somewhere deep in my chest, in a place I'd been trying to keep locked away. My eyes stung with tears I refused to shed, and I had to look away from the gentle understanding in his gaze.
"She didn't want to be caged," I whispered, staring at the packages of ramyeon on the shelf beside me, focusing on the bright colors so I didn't have to focus on the ache in my heart. "She said the bond felt like drowning. Like losing herself piece by piece."
"That sounds terrible," Tae-min agreed quietly. "But Keira... that was her bond. With her alpha. That doesn't mean?—"
"I know," I interrupted, my voice sharper than I intended. "I know what you're going to say. That breaking and completing are different things. That her alpha was controlling and you're not. That I should give you a chance." The words tumbled out, echoes of Jeni's voice mixing with my own fear. "I've heard it all before."
Tae-min blinked, something like surprise flickering across his features. "You have?"
"My friend. Jeni." I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly cold despite the fever burning beneath my skin. "She said... she said I've been treating my mother's story like it's my story. Like what happened to her is destined to happen to me. But my mother broke her bond, and I'm..." I trailed off, swallowing hard. "I'm running from completing mine. Those are opposite things."
"They are," Tae-min said gently, hope creeping back into his voice. "They really are. Your friend sounds smart."
"She is." A bitter laugh escaped me. "She told me to stop running and start preparing. To figure out what I want. What I need. So that when..." I gestured vaguely between us, "...when this happened, I wouldn't just react out of fear."
"And have you?" Tae-min asked, taking a small step closer before catching himself and freezing. "Figured out what you want?" The question hung in the air between us, heavy with implications.
Have I?I asked myself.Have I actually been preparing, or have I just been hiding and calling it something else?
The truth was uncomfortable. I'd spent the past three days in my nest, telling myself I was processing, telling myself I was preparing, but really I'd just been pushing everything down. Pushing down the fear, pushing down the longing, pushing down my omega's voice every time she tried to remind me that Jeni was right, that I had promised to try.
I'd thought I would have more time to actually do the work.
"I thought I would have longer," I admitted, my voice small. "Before I had to face another one of you. I thought I'd have time to... to actually prepare. Instead of just telling myself I was."
Tae-min tilted his head, his dark hair falling across his forehead in a way that made him look impossibly young. "What's the difference?" he asked, genuine curiosity in his voice. "Between actually preparing and telling yourself you are?"
The question cut straight to the heart of what I'd been avoiding.
"Actually preparing would mean... feeling things," I said slowly, working through the thought as I spoke. "Letting myself acknowledge that the bonds feel good when they trigger. That part of me wants this, even though the rest of me is terrified." I pressed my hand against my chest, where three bonds now pulsed. "Instead, I've been shoving everything down. Pretending I don't feel the pull. Pretending I'm not curious about who you all are."
"Are you?" Tae-min asked softly, something like hope brightening his expression. "Curious about us?" I should have denied it. Should have maintained the walls, the distance, the careful defenses I'd hidden behind for so long.
But I was so tired of pretending.
"Yes," I whispered, the admission feeling like pulling a splinter from beneath my skin — painful but necessary. "I am. I've watched your performances. Read your interviews. I know Hwan is the bright one, the mood-maker, even though Jin-ho told me there's more beneath the sunshine. I know Jin-ho is quiet and thoughtful and sees more than he says. I know you're the youngest, the golden maknae, but I don't..." I swallowed hard. "I don't know who you are when the cameras aren't watching."
Tae-min's face softened, the desperate alpha energy settling into something gentler, something more real. "I could tell you," he offered quietly. "If you want."
"Tae-min?—"
"Not everything," he added quickly, holding up his hands. "Just... a little. Something real. So you know we're not just idol faces and alpha pheromones." I should have said no. Should have walked away, preserved what was left of my crumblingboundaries, bought myself more time to actually prepare instead of just pretending to.
But Jeni's voice echoed in my head:You need to stop running long enough to find out who they actually are.
