I hated him for that too: for the patience and stillness, for the way he let me just…bein my grief and anger instead of rushing to push me into some false comfort. He saw me in my suffering. Maybe that was the cruelest form of mercy.
“How many men are left?” I asked, my voice even and low.
“One. Then just Matteo and his two right hands. That’s it.”
Something twisted in my stomach at the thought of this finality. “You followed him today?”
He nodded. “I’ll take him out tomorrow. Quiet, no mess.”
Of course he would. Ticking lives off like items on a to-do list.
“And then? Are you really just going to leave?” The question sounded smaller than I meant it to be, bare of emotion. Bone showing through flesh.
“That’s the plan. That’s always been the plan.”
I was sickened by how much I hadn’t wanted that answer. How much I clung to it, even after everything.
“Why go through all of this to just leave?”
“Because it’s the only thing I can give you.”
I stared at him, stunned. His eyes flicked back to mine, and there it was again: something raw that he wasn’t trying to hide anymore.
“I can give you this. I can make sure you never have to look over your shoulder again. I can make sure that you can go back to your life.”
“I don’t think I can go back to that life,” I whispered, voice growing even smaller.
He reached for my hand then, his fingers hovering near mine without closing the distance. “You were never supposed to be part of the damage.”
“But I am,” I whispered.
“I know, but I will have to go.”
“You don’t have to do anything; you’re choosing to. Don’t pretend this is about anything other than your own fear.”
“Itisabout fear. I have made enemies my entire life, people who will eventually catch up to me… Maybe not today, or next year, or the next… but someday, they will. It’s a matter of time. If they find me, they’ll kill me. If I’m with you… they’ll kill you to make a point.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. I’ve seen it happen to entire families. A man played house but one day came home to his son’s head in the microwave and his wife cut into so many pieces that he was still finding her a year later.”
A chill slid down my spine.
“I was never supposed to get this deep into your life. It wasn’t my plan. I was trying to keep as much distance from you aspossible, while still keeping you safe. I was never going to be able to be part of something normal.”
“You didn’t plan on it, but you did it. You let me believe that this meant something—”
“Itdid,” he snapped, leaning towards me. “Itdoes.That’s why I have to go; that’s why I have to pull the trigger before they do. That’s why I have to get out before anyone connects you with me. You told me you knew I couldn’t stay, Eden, that I couldn’t give you anything when this was done.”
The silence that followed was deafening, but I couldn’t speak. Those had just been words – I’d never meant it. I had always hoped there wassomeway to keep him.
“I wish you knew how sorry I am,” he breathed.
I wanted to scream at him, throw something, hit him, drag him back onto the bed and rip him apart again with my hands, with my mouth, with my rage and need and grief.
But I didn’t move. It felt like he was already too far away.
Chapter thirty-eight
