His gaze locked on mine, wary and wide. I thought I saw some kind of relief in his eyes. What I’d said wasn’t entirely true; I did want him to stay and I did want as much of him as he’d give me… but if I had to take it a day at a time, feeding him pieces so he didn’t choke, then I would.
“I just want to make you feel good,” I said. “Not because I owe you and not because you need it but becauseI want to.I don’t care if it’s not sex. It doesn’t have to be, but you have to let me have this, Halo. You have to let me touchsomethingreal before you disappear. I want to give you something good, something that isn’t pain, something that’s yours.”
For a second, he looked like he might bolt again. Then, to my surprise, like it took everything in him to do it, he slowly sat down on the edge of the bed. I moved without hesitation, sinking to my knees in front of him, not to beg, not to submit, but to meet him where he was. I had to claim this moment back from the spiral. He didn’t stop me, and he didn’t speak. He just looked down at me, uncertain in a way I’d never seen before.
His thighs were tense under my hands. I could feel how tightly wound he was, like his body was waiting for me to changemy mind, to pull away any second and leave him alone with whatever darkness he thought he deserved.
But I didn’t. I reached up and unbuttoned his pants, slow and deliberate. He didn’t stop me, but he didn’t help either, just watched with that hollow intensity. It was like he wasn’t sure this was real or maybe that he didn’t think he should be allowed to enjoy it.
I brushed my fingers along the waistband of his pants, and when he reached up to grab my wrist, I looked up at him. He stopped, hand still poised in the air over mine.
“It’s okay,” I said softly. “Let me.”
His jaw ticked, but he lifted his hips just enough for me to slide everything down until he was bare in front of me. I tried to not look surprised because I don’t know exactly what I expected. The rest of him was sickeningly perfect so it only made sense that his cock would be a work of fucking art too. When I wrapped my hands around him, he still didn’t say anything. I leaned in slowly, giving him every chance to pull away and to stop me. He didn’t.
When I took him into my mouth, his breath hitched, sharp and involuntary. I went slow, careful, letting him feel every inch of contact, every deliberate motion of my tongue. My hand worked what my mouth couldn’t reach, and I felt every quiet gasp he tried not to make. His fingers knotted in the bedding, but he didn’t touch me. Maybe he didn’t trust himself.
I wanted to show him he didn’t have to be afraid of this, of me. That he couldwantsomething without it turning to ash in his hands.
When I pulled back just enough to swirl my tongue around the tip of him, he groaned, and that sound hit me like a jolt straight to my core. It was the first trulyhonestsound I’d heard from him, unguarded and human. He was shaking.
“Eden,” he rasped, like my name hurt to say, “you don’t have to…”
“Iwantto,” I whispered, stroking him again, mouth wet and open against his skin. “Let me give you this.”
Something in him finally relented, not violently but like a dam breaking. He leaned back on his elbows, head tilted slightly, andlet go. His entire body relaxed. I worked him with steady, rhythmic care, letting his body tell me what it needed with every pulse and shift of his hips, every low groan that slipped past his defenses. I wanted to give him this, not as a transaction, not as a seduction, but as a gift.
“Tell me how you like it?” I asked before sliding my lips back across him again.
“That’s good, just like that... You’re perfect,” he whispered, voice strained behind his short breaths.
He came with a low, desperate sound that vibrated through his whole body, one hand finally sliding into my hair as he tensed beneath me, throbbing as he spilled into my mouth. I swallowed every drop, not breaking eye contact as I pulled back, wiping the corner of my mouth with the back of my hand.
His chest heaved like he’d run a mile. He looked as though he didn’t know whether to thank me or apologize. Suddenly, he stood and stumbled to get around me as he struggled with his pants.
“I… I need a second,” he said, voice rough. “I’ll be right back.”
I nodded, trying not to let the sting of his retreat show. I stood slowly and climbed into the bed, curling beneath the covers, the ache between my legs still humming but quieter now. I watched the door to the bathroom shut behind him and listened to the faucet run.
I shifted beneath the sheets and stared at the ceiling, wondering if I’d done something wrong. I reminded myself thatthis was a long game, and this was a tiny victory. I was getting somewhere, and that was enough right now.
Chapter thirty
Halo
“Malfunction: Human”
Icameundoneinher mouth. It was silent, but it took every fiber of my being not to scream. I don’t know why I didn’t let myself moan her name. It wasn’t the act that shook me; it was the way she looked at me while doing it. She didn’t ask for anything in return. Eden touched me like I was worth touching. Like shewantedto see me fall apart, and I had. Not just in her mouth, not just in her hands, but in her eyes. I let her look at me, I let herseeme.
I didn’t know how to handle that. Didn’t know how totakeit without wanting to kill myself. I returned to the thought that I should’ve stopped her, but when she said, “let me,”something inside mejust obeyed.She held me in her mouth like I was something sacred and, for a moment, I believed her.
That was the problem. Because the second it was over – after her lips left me and I saw her wipe the corner of her mouth with her thumb, eyes soft, cheeks flushed – something twisted in my gut. A warning flare, another scream without sound.
I stood too fast, my voice coming out like gravel. “I… I need a second.”
She nodded like she understood and it didn’t hurt but I was so sure it did. I couldn’t tell her what was wrong. The last thing I wanted to do was jump off the bed after she gave me the best head of my life and run to the bathroom.
I closed the door behind me, flicked on the light and slung the sink on with the back of my bleeding hand as I dropped to my knees before the toilet. The bile rose fast, violent. I didn’t even have time to brace as I heaved until there was nothing left in my stomach, forehead pressed to the cool porcelain. My fists clenched around the base as I panted through the tail end of the nausea.
