At least, until now.
Sam clears his throat, and I look back up at him. His expression is… pained when he finally speaks, “I love you, but—” he clears his throat again and briefly looks down at the floor before squaring his shoulders. “Not in that way. You’re Ethan’s sister and my friend. I’m sorry.”
My heart feels like it’s clawing its way out of my chest. How could I have gotten this so wrong?Of course, he only saw me as a friend.
“I,um,” I look around the store, “I have to go.” Before I lose my nerve, I turn around and quickly walk through the wide opening of the jewelry store.
I hear Sam say something behind me, but my ears are ringing so loudly that I can’t make out his words. I don’t dare stop to talk to him, I don’t dare turn around to see his beautiful face again.
I feel my phone buzz in my back pocket. Pulling it out, I decline Sam’s call. I make it halfway down one corridor of the mall before I stop to order an Uber to pick me up.
My chest feels tight, and I can’t seem to catch a breath as I wait at the curb for my ride; my mind drifts to memories of the last two years.
Sam and I were close when we were kids, not as close as he was with Ethan, but we had gotten even closer during college. When I heard Sam talk about how much he loved going to school in Seattle, I knew that was where my path would lead.
Sam was starting his junior year at the University of Washington when I was a freshman. Far from home, he took me under his wing. I’m sure it was at my brother's insistence to “take care of my little sister.” But I was grateful all the same.
My first year, I struggled with balancing classes and feeling homesick. It was my first time being away from my parents. I was having a hard time not seeing them regularly. I spoke to them on the phone every day, but it wasn’t the same.
During the second quarter of my freshman year, my boyfriend, Kevin, broke up with me. We had been dating since the middle of our sophomore year in high school.
Kevin was still in Charleston, and the long distance was taking its toll on our relationship. When I left for Seattle, I thought Kevin and I were endgame. I thought we would be one of those cute couples that were high school sweethearts. I was naive.
A few weeks into my first semester, I felt things shifting. Kevin didn’t answer my calls as much, and his text messages were slow andinconsistent. When he responded, it was usually with one or two-word responses. I knew our relationship was creeping toward a natural end. Even though I was expecting it, I was still devastated when Kevin called to break up with me.
Sam showed up at my dorm room one day and nearly dragged me to the library to study with him. He finished his homework before I did and then helped me with mine—math was never my strong suit. Once we were finished, we ate dinner in the food court, and I told him what was wrong.
From that day forward, Sam and I studied together nearly every day. We met for coffee and often ate lunch together whenever our schedules aligned. We adventured around Seattle and hiked on the nearby trails.
Having him there made me feel less lonely.
I don’t think I would have gotten through that first year if it hadn’t been for Sam.
One day during my second year, I realized I couldn’t stop thinking about Sam. He was all I thought about when we weren’t together. When we were together? Well, I thought about him then, too. I couldn’t stop thinking about his laugh and the way his eyes crinkle at the corners, or his small touches: brushing my hand, or putting his hand on the small of my back.
I went on dates with other guys but couldn’t stop imagining it was Sam’s lips on mine, his hands around my waist. So, naturally, those relationships never went anywhere.
There was no doubt in my mind that I had fallen for my brother’s best friend. For my friend. Thinking about it now, I just feel like a walkingcliché.
Sam just rejected me.
I don’t know how I’ve managed to hold back the tears fighting to spill down my cheeks, but once I’m safely in the back of the car, they won’t stop. The driver doesn’t say anything, just letsme cry. Twenty minutes later, I stumble into my dorm room and fall onto my bed, burying my head into my pillow as the sobs wrack my body.
***
Present Day
As I reach the third-floor landing, despite my exhaustion from the day, I discard my bags in the hall and turn toward Ethan’s bedroom instead of mine.
Slowly, I open the door and step inside. I’m not even really sure why I’m here, but I feel nervous. I stop myself from glancing over my shoulder just to be sure no one is behind me.
As if Ethan might be lurking in the shadows, waiting to catch me sneaking in here.
But of course, no one is there. Ethan won’t ever catch me in his room again. The thought makes my stomach plummet as I hold back my tears.
Once fully inside, I shut the door behind me. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves.
This day is nothing like what I expected. I wanted to spend the day finishing my work. I wanted to spend the evening eating Chinese takeout with Liv and her girlfriend, Talia, while we watched reruns of Gilmore Girls—something we do every fall.
