“Fuck.” It’s a little more than a whisper. He covers his face with his hands as his body shakes.
I stand frozen again for just a moment before I awkwardly wrap my arms around him. I hate seeing him this way. Embracing him isthe only way I know how to comfort him. There are no words I can say that will take his pain away.
He slowly drops his hands from his face and shifts his body, moving himself off the bike. Once he dismounts, he pulls me into a hug, both of us allowing our tears to run freely.
I’m not sure how long we stand there like this, wrapped up in each other’s arms. But it isn’t until our tears have stopped that I hesitantly disentangle myself from him.
“I don’t feel like hiking anymore. Do you maybe want to watch a movie instead?” My voice is thick, and my throat feels raw, like I’ve been yelling for hours.
“I’ll do whatever you want to do, Kat, as long as I get to be with you.” His eyes are red-rimmed, the color so light I can see the green that forms a circle on the inside of his irises. I grab his hand, and we make our way back into the house.
Pulling him behind me, we slowly go up to the thirdfloor.
Once we get up to the loft, Sam looks around like he isn’t sure what to do. He watches me as I sit down on the couch, right in the middle. I pat the seat right next to me, and he slowly sits down.
I glare at the space he’s left between us. I’m not sure if this is because he doesn’t want to be that close to me or if it’s because he’s trying to be respectful.
“How am I supposed to cuddle with you when you’re sitting so far away?” I meant to say it in a flirty way, but it comes out wrong.
“You want to cuddle?”
Fuck, the look on his face breaks my heart. It’s the same look he got when he watched Ethan and Mom during small, intimate moments. Like when Mom would brush a stray hair out of Ethan’s face. Or when she would walk by and randomly squeeze Ethan’s shoulders.
Sam looks lost.
Starving for attention, he doesn’t know how to ask for.
Without hesitating, I scoot right next to him, lift his right arm, and put it around my shoulders. I shimmy next to him, getting as close as I can, and then lean my head against his chest.
I feel his body relax and his breathing even out. I love that his body reacts this way to me. It reminds me of the times we would snuggle up on one of our dorm room beds and watch movies together.
The memory makes me want to move away and protect myself, but I know he needs this. He needs human contact. A soft touch.We both do. So, I shove those feelings back down and try to think only of this moment.
Using the remote, I pull up our movie app and start scrolling through the digital movie list. “Action? Horror? Comedy? Roooomance?” I waggle my eyebrows at him. “What sounds good to you, Sammy?”
“I don’t care.” He shrugs and sounds defeated. “Something happy?” His voice is slightly brighter.
“Comedy it is.” I randomly choose an Adam Sandler movie from the list and press play. Before we get through the opening credits, Mom comes up the stairs and tells us they are going to dinner with Dan.
“Pizza?” I give Sam my best, "I’ve been a good girl and deserve pizza," look. Sam grants me a slight chuckle. It doesn’t reach his eyes, but it's progress.
“Only if we can get extra pepperoni.” He winks at me.
“You got it.” I pull out my phone and order from the website, choosing the delivery option. “I got a couple of Diet Cokes, too. It’ll be here in about 20 minutes.” I hear Sam’s stomach grumble. “Which sounds like it couldn’t come soon enough.” I elbow him lightly in the stomach and laugh.
We decide to wait until the pizza comes to start the movie so that we aren’t interrupted. I adjust my position so that I have one leg folded under me, slightly propped on his thigh, while the other dangles off the couch.
I turn towards him, searching his face. “Sam, I’m so incredibly grateful that you survived. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry I was so stuck in my own feelings that I couldn’t stop and be your friend, not only when you needed me, but for all of the times in between and after.” I look down at my hands in my lap. “I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could go back to that night and stop the words from exiting my mouth.”
He takes my chin in his long fingers and gently raises it, forcing me to look at him. “Don’t ever apologize for speaking your feelings. Don’t ever apologize for telling me you love,lovedme.”Oh Sam, I do love you.“I’ve cherished those words. They’ve given me hope that someday you’ll forgive me and let me be back in your life. Those words kept me going on some of my toughest days.” He tightens his arm around my shoulder.
“Ok,” is all I say in response.
He leans into me until his mouth is only inches away from mine. His eyes search mine, and my breath catches at his proximity. I could lean in just a little, and our lips would be touching.
“I want to kiss you, Kat.” His eyes alight with playfulness. “Can I kiss you?”
A breathy “yes” is all that comes out before he closes the short distance, and his lips are on mine.
