I should have texted him or called him back. But what would I say? “I’m still in love with you, and it’s ok that you’re going to marry Claire?”
There’s no way.
I hear his voice, and I cringe internally. I’m not ready to face him. I know Claire is here, too.In my house.
Claire came back with him to visit his dad for the week. She’s helping Sam pack up some of his things to take with him to Chicago. Claire’s family lives there; Sam got a job there so she could be close to her family.
My heart aches at the thought of him leaving. With her.
Sam showed up a couple of days ago, and when I saw Claire with him, my heart sank. It was all I could do to keep my composure until I could get away from them. I’ve been avoiding them as much as I can ever since.
“Come on, Ethan, our dads say they have a surprise for us. Hurry up.” Sam sounds excited; I wince at his tone.
He’s moving on. Without me.
I know what the surprise is. Motorcycles.
Our parents bought Ethan and Sam these nice BMW R nineT motorcycles as graduation gifts. Someone had two and wasselling both, and our parents bought them, knowing how much Ethan and Sam would love them.
I was home when Dad rode up on the one meant for Ethan. It was pretty. Black with a tan leather seat.
“It'll be good for that cross-country trip they want to take,” Dad beamed as he explained the purchase to Mom. She wasn’t as enthusiastic about motorcycles as he was. I wondered if he wished he had kept his old bike.
Ethan and Sam have been talking about buying motorcycles for years and taking a cross-country trip at some point.
I can only imagine the look on Sam’s face when he sees what the surprise is.
The hole in my heart widens, and I know I can’t go out there and join in.
Seeing how happy he is.
Seeing him hug and kiss Claire in excitement…
No, it would be too much. I groan into my pillow. I’ll be excited with Ethan later.
***
Present Day
Sam and I have been talking on the phone for about an hour. He called right as I was walking into my place.
“I’m not sure how to explain it.” I pause, trying to think of the right words. Sam doesn’t interrupt, allowing me the space to think. “I guess I just feel like the world is slowly crushing me. Sam, I’ve never gone this long without talking to Ethan. I miss him every day.”
Sam doesn’t say anything for long enough that I have to confirm the call is still going. “I know what you mean.” His voice is gentle. “I remind myself that he wouldn’t want me to wallow in his death. I know it’s easier said than done, but he would want you tobe happy. To continue living your life and remember the good times instead of the fact that he isn’t here.”
“I know. I just—I don’t know how. And I can’t stop thinking about that last conversation. The things I would have said if I knew it would be our last.” I’m pacing my room.
“Don’t do that, Kat. You can’t change anything about what happened. Obsessing over it isn’t going to make it easier.”
“It’s just that,” I stop pacing and sit down in the chair next to my window, looking down at Ethan's skateboard on the ground next to my char, “we never went a day without texting, and we would talk on the phone every couple of days. I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve been working on something at work and reach for my phone only to realize he won’t answer my call.” It crushes me every time, and I have to remind myself to breathe. I don’t share that last part.
“I’m going to be in Charleston for Thanksgiving next week. Let’s go for a hike—just you and me.”
“I thought you weren’t going to make it.” It isn’t a question. We talked about this a couple of days ago.
“My plans changed. I’m booking my flight tonight. I’ll be there on Monday.”
“I don’t know, Sam. I was thinking about not going this year.” I feel the dread seep into my words.
