“Sorry about that.” He shrugs before continuing, “Even as adults, we would spend as much time together as we could. Every summer, we’d take a couple of weeks off from our responsibilities and spend the time fishing and drinking beers.”
He pauses and looks at me before shifting his gaze back to the crowd. I’m mesmerized by him.
“A couple of years ago, we took one of these trips. But instead of fishing, we decided to take a cross-country tour on our motorcycles. We'd talked about taking this trip for several years and finally decided to just do it. We packed up some saddle bags and backpacksand planned out our trip—making sure we knew where we were going to stop each night.”
Another glance towards me. I can’t quite place his expression. Almost, scared? Remorseful? But I have no idea why that would be. I heard about this trip. It seemed like they had a great time.
Sam is wringing his notes in front of him. “Only, we didn’t make it very far into the trip,” he continues.
Didn’t make it far?
I sit up a little straighter in my seat, my eyes glued to Sam as he continues. Liv squeezes my hand.
“We were riding on a highway when my bike slid out from under me. I didn’t see the debris on the road until it was too late.” My knee starts bouncing on its own. “I slammed into a metal pipe off to the side of the road and was rushed to the hospital.”
I feel my mouth open in shock, my leg still shaking. I glance over at Liv, and she squeezes my hand reassuringly. She subtly shakes her head. I don’t know if she’s telling me she didn’t know or if she’s telling me not now.
Why didn’t I know about this? Why didn’t Sam tell me? Why didn’tEthantell me? I feel the anger rush into my senses. But more than anger, I’m embarrassed. Embarrassed that I let my feelings get in the way of my friendship with Sam, enough that no one told me about this.
I look back at Sam as he continues speaking. “I had surgery to repair some extensive damage to my shoulder and had too many stitches to count.” I can tell he’s avoiding my gaze now. “I went through rehab. Thankfully, everything worked out.” He shrugs.
My body stiffens with his words, my knee finally stills. Liv’s arm tightens around my shoulders. I dare a glance at my parents, but they don’t seem to notice my reaction. No, they seem unfazed. They knew.
“But when I was going through the hard days. The ones when I just wanted to give up because the pain was too much, Ethan wasthere, encouraging me. Reminding me to be strong. Reminding me that we don’t give up. That was the thing about Ethan, he was always there when people needed him.
“I’m going to miss that solid reassurance from him. But I’m so grateful I was able to share in the light and warmth he gave to everyone he met. I only hope that I can be half as kind as Ethan was to me and others. Half as protective. And half the man he was and was becoming.”
Sam makes his way back to the seat next to me. Liv removes her arm from around my shoulders as Sam sits down. He finally looks at me. His eyes are full of apprehension, he’s rigid, and I feel the tension radiating off his body.
I don’t know why he didn’t tell me, or why my family kept this from me. But it probably has a lot to do with how I’ve treated him the last few years. I give him a small smile before I take his hand in mine again. I lean into him slightly and feel Sam’s body relax.
The service continues with a few more people sharing stories about my brother. Sam’s hand doesn’t leave mine. I’m grateful for his steady presence, but I can’t shake the shock and sadness that he went through that experience.
After the formal service, a few of us, close friends and family, make our way to the cemetery. A couple more people speak, and once the graveside service is over, we’re all invited to pay our last respects.
I’m one of the last people to leave my seat when I walk over to the casket to join my parents. My heart feels like it's shattered into a million pieces as I place my hand on top of the smooth, dark, stained wood.
I don’t know how to put those pieces back together, or if they everwillgo back together.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on without you,” I croak through my sobs. “I’ll miss you every day, big brother. Thank you for always being there for me. I… I love you.” I feel the hot tears fall down my cheeks as I say those final words to him. Hoping he can hear them.
I’m not sure how long I stay rooted to my spot. It could have been seconds or hours. At some point, my parents hug me and tell me they're heading home.
I feel warmth at my back and watch as Sam places his hand on mine, still on my brother’s casket. He gently picks my hand up, bringing it to his lips to place a soft kiss on the back before pulling my hand to his heart. Using his other arm, he pulls me into him.
I nuzzle my face into his chest and breathe him in. I shouldn’t be doing this. Not now. Not ever. But I can’t stop myself. Sam drops my hand pinned to his chest and wraps his arm around me, pulling me in tighter. He runs soothing patterns up and down my back.
I feel the pressure of his kiss on the top of my head and slowly extricate myself from him. Wiping the remaining tears from my cheeks, I look around. Most of the people have left.
“Can I take you back to the house?” Sam’s eyes are soft as he looks at me.
“I’d like that.”
I feel numb as we drive back to my parents’ house, and I’m glad when neither of us speaks. Sam’s hand stays firmly, but gently, wrapped around mine.
Several people are bustling around my parents’ house by the time we get there. People are setting up food, plates, and utensils. Talking over drinks or looking awkwardly around like they don’t know what to do.I understand the feeling.
It's weird having so many people in the house. Especially when the last thing I want to do right now is socialize.
