Ignoring Ethan, I turn my attention back to Sam. “I’d like that a lot. Thanks for letting me go with you.”
***
Present Day
Saturday morning comes too soon. I roll over to my side and see that Liv is still sleeping; she’s on her stomach, her hands are under her pillow.
I’ve always dreamed we would live a couple of houses away from each other. Eating Sunday dinners, raising our kids, and growing old together.
Liv starts to stir, as I stretch.
“Hey.” Her voice is flat as she rubs her eyes. “Do you want to shower or have breakfast first?”
I turn onto my back and stare at the ceiling. My stomach is in knots. While I know I need to eat, I’m not sure if I can. “I’m not sure I can eat yet, so… shower first, I guess.”
Slowly, I crawl out of bed and head towards the bathroom in the hall. I’m grateful for the warm water as it cascades down my face and hides the tears that won’t stop flowing.
Even with Liv here, I’m not sure how to handle this day. I don’t know how to say goodbye to Ethan.
I can’t imagine what life will be like without him. I’ve had allweek to sort through all of this, but none of it feels real. I still think he’s just on a trip and will walk in the door at any moment.
Did I say I love you?
I let my mind drift to Sam. I’m not sure how to act around him. Being around him feels comfortable. It's as if no time has passed at all. I could easily slip back into a friendship with him. But I don’t want to be his friend. I want more. I just don’t think I can face him rejecting me again if I make the first move. I think I need him to show me he wants more, too.
When I’m finally ready, I exit the shower and head to my room to get dressed while Liv showers. I chose a simple black dress that cinches just under my chest and flows out a little from there. It’s modest but isn’t uptight like most of my work wardrobe. I slip on my simple black ballet flats.
I’m almost finished blow-drying my hair when Liv comes back into the room, dressed similarly to me. It’s a little jolting seeing her in simple clothes. Her usually vibrant style is nowhere in sight and only makes this day more real. I frown at her black shoes.
She walks over to me once I’m done with my hair and wraps her arms around me. “You look beautiful.” I know she’s only trying to give me a small beacon of light in the dark storm of my feelings.
“You do, too.” I force my shoulders to relax and drag my fingers through my hair. “Should we go?”
Liv and I slowly walk into the church. Everything feels surreal.
This can’t actually be happening.
Liv squeezes my hand and tells me she's going to say hello to her parents.
I spot mine speaking with Sam, Dan and someone else I don’t recognize. Dad’s back is to me, but I can see Mom clearly. She gives me a slight smile in acknowledgement. Mom looks like she’s aged 10 years just this morning. I don’t want to think of her this way, so I shift my attention away.
My gaze snags on Sam. He looks nice in a black suit and white button-down shirt. His collar is open with a couple of buttons undone at the neck. I lift my gaze to his face and see that he’s looking at me. His expression is tight, his eyes are sad. I can tell he’s trying to remain stoic. My face crumples, and I watch as Sam immediately makes his way to me.
I’m sobbing, my face in my hands, by the time he gets to me. Sam gently pulls my hands from my face and wraps my shaking body in his arms. He holds me while tears stream down my cheeks.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” I croak out once I regain some semblance of composure.
“Me too,” he says as he kisses the top of my head. I lean back just enough to look up at him. His arms remain firmly planted around my waist.
The way he immediately came to me and the way he’s looking at me now? I’ve missed everything about him. He’s kind,compassionate, and even after all of this time, it’s evident that he cares for me. Even if it is just as a friend. Despite my feelings for him being in turmoil, I’m glad he’s here with me. I offer him a small smile, which he returns. He reaches up and tucks my hair behind my ear before gently wiping at the tears remaining on my cheeks.
I overhear Liv talking to someone, so I turn to see who it is. Talia’s here. They walk over to us, and Sam releases me from his embrace but doesn’t leave my side. He stands close enough that I can feel the heat coming off his body. I take comfort in his proximity and warmth.
“Hey, Talia.” My voice is rough.
She pulls me into a hug and whispers, “I’m so sorry.” My tears start anew, and I just know they aren’t going to stop today.
“Apparently, I should have brought a supersized box of tissues with me.” I joke, trying to break some of the tension I’m feeling.
