“I wouldn’t say I’m miserable, exactly.”Am I miserable?
He looks at me. Questioning. He doesn’t push when I don’t answer his silent question.
I don’t know what to say, so I shrug and give him a small smile. I’m not miserable, but I never thought I'd end up living so far from my family and missing out on so much with them. I never imagined I would have a closet full of plain suits and boring work clothes. I feel like somewhere between going to college and now, I’ve become a person I never imagined for myself. I don’t know that it's a bad thing. Just… different.
We sit in silence for several minutes, watching the other people in the park. My mind drifts to the times we spent here when we were kids. Riding our bikes, playing hide and seek, not a care in the world. Here we are now, adults, barely talking to each other, and Ethan—I miss him already.
“I’ve missed you, Kat. More than you know.” Sam’s quiet and tender words startle me, breaking into my internal thoughts. I look up at him and search his eyes. His expression is somber but sincere and vulnerable.
“I’ve missed you, too, Sam.” My voice is too quiet. I’ve never really stopped thinking about Sam. Never stopped wanting him.
If I were being honest with myself, I’ve compared all of my partners to him, and they’ve never stacked up.
I’ve spent the last several years thinking back to our time at UW, wishing he hadn’t been dating Claire. Wishing he wasn’t ready to propose to her. Wishing I hadn’t blurted out that I was in love with him.
I should have responded to his messages. I should have opened the door each time he came to my dorm room. I shouldn’t have avoided him all these years. I should have done so many different things.
But I can’t change the past. All I can do is move forward. Maybe Liv was right, and I need Sam to get through all of this.
As we made our way around the park and eventually returned to my parents’ house, we continued chatting about everything: what we do in our free time, friends we’ve made in our respective cities, and how we thought our lives would be different.
Nine years old.
“What are you doing, Kitty Kat? Hey, Livie.” Sam spent the night at our house again last night. He spends a lot of time here.
During the school year, his dad drops him off in the morning, and Mom takes us all to school. Then she picks us up, and we do our homework or play games until after dinner.
During the summer, Sam stays over all the time and usually spends the night. He’s basically like a second older brother. He tries to include me in things, and when Ethan isn’t feeling well or is still sleeping, Sam will hang out with me. Sometimes we just read books outside. Other times, he will play Barbies with me, or we build Legos; sometimes, we play Mario Kart or watch movies.
“Liv and I are planning on hanging out and reading outside. Want to come?”
Liv’s house is just a couple of houses away. I wish she could spend as much time here as Sam does, but her parents won’t let her. She’s still here almost every day during the summer, though.
“Nah, I’m just waiting for Ethan to put on his shoes, and then we’re gonna ride our bikes to the park.”
“Wait, I want to go to the park. Liv, wanna go, too?” She nods excitedly at me.
“Can we come, too, Sammy?”
“Yeah, but hurry up and get dressed. I’ll go tell your mom.”
Liv andI run off to change our clothes. The four of us spent the afternoon riding our bikes, swinging, playing tag, and eating snow cones.
We’re riding our bikes back to my house, and I’m in front with Liv.
Suddenly, I see a car run a stop sign, and I have to slam on the brakes—my bike skids and then crashes to the ground.
Tears well in my eyes as I feel the sting of pain in my knee, leg, and the palm of my hand on the side I landed on.
“Oh my God, Kat!” Sam shouts as he and Ethan slide to a stop next to me.
“Let me have a look.” Ethan’s voice is calm, soothing. He’s fuzzy as I look up at him through the tears blurring my vision. “Shhh. It’ll be ok. Let me look at you to make sure it isn’t anything too serious.” I nod at him as Liv takes hold of my uninjured hand.
I hiss a little when Ethan helps me move over so he can examine my leg. “It isn’t too bad. But we need to get you home and clean these out, so they don’t get worse.”
I wipe the tears from my cheeks with the back of my good hand and look up at Ethan. “I don’t think I can ride home.”
“I’ll walk both of our bikes back, Kitty Kat.” Sam looks at me with concern.
