“I would never dare to ask you to leave the house without ensuring coffee was involved, Kitty Kat. Go change and we'll go.”
Looking down at myself, I remember I never changed out of my pajamas. I run upstairs, leaving Sam standing in the living room, and quickly change into black leggings and a loose blue knit sweater.
My parents’ house is within walking distance to a popular park we used to frequent as kids. We walk in relative silence until we get to one of my favorite coffee stands where I order a vanilla latte for myself and a chai tea latte for Sam. Once our order is ready, we continue to the park.
I sigh as I take my first sip of my coffee. The air is warm and comfortable. The sun is bright and feels good as it soaks into me, lifting my mood the longer I’m under its rays.
“Thanks for getting me out of the house.” The wind blows my hair slightly, and I tuck a loose strand behind my ear.
“You’re awfully quiet.” Sam’s voice is hypnotic, and I’ve missed hearing it. His chocolate eyes twinkle in the sunlight.
“I don’t know what to say.” I look at the ground as I speak, avoiding his gaze. “I feel like I don’t know you anymore.” It isn’t the whole truth. But I can’t exactly tell him I’ve avoided him the last several years because I’m a scared little girl who would rather hide than face him. I refuse to tell him that I’ve never stopped loving him, even if only from a distance. That I can’t seem to be in the same room as him without wanting to beg him to pick me again.
“For what it’s worth, I haven’t changed, Kat.” His lips turn down slightly, and his brow furrows. His sad tone makes me feel the cavernous distance that's grown between us. “I’m still the same guy who played Barbies with you, danced with you at the homecoming dance, and the same guy who helped you study in college. I’m still the same guy that—” he abruptly stops speaking, looks away from me, and runs his hand through his hair.
“That what?” I need to know what he was going to say.
“Nothing.” His answer is too quick. It sets me on edge. “Just, I’m still me.” He blows out a breath and sips on his tea.
I don’t push him for an answer and instead, feel an uncomfortable silence settle over us. He’s holding back. So am I.
As I take a deeper look at Sam, I notice he’s aged, but in the best of ways. He has these cute crinkles at the corners of his eyes and laugh lines around his mouth when he smiles. He seems to fill out his clothes more, like he’s gained more muscle. He always enjoyed working out, but he typically went for a run on the treadmill and avoided using weights.
I can’t help but wonder when he started lifting. The thought makes me realize how much of his life I’ve missed out on.
I don’t know him anymore. At least not where it matters.
My gaze trails down his tattooed arm and I hold back the urge to run my fingers along the lines of the pine trees.
Shifting back to his face, he’s watching me. His eyes are soft. Caring. He smiles gently, but big enough I see his cute dimple.Why are dimples so delicious?
All of the reasons I fell for him all those years ago are so obvious as I continue looking at him. I avert my gaze from him and drink more of my coffee, embarrassed that he caught me staring at him.
“I never should have stopped reaching out to you. I should have kept banging on your dorm room door until you let me in.” His words surprise me and I stop walking, trying to absorb them.
I search his eyes, not sure what I’m looking for, but he seems sincere.
“I shouldn’t have let you avoid me every time we were in the same room together. I should have forced you to talk to me when we were both home for the holidays.” He pulls his hand out of his pocket; I trace his movement as he slowly reaches for me before stopping and letting his hand fall to his side.
His expression is torn. I know he’s holding something back from me. I just don’t know what it is. I don’t respond because I’m unsure of what to say.
If he had kept pushing for me to talk to him, would things have been different between us? Would I have gotten over him?
Would I have been able to see him with Claire and not have my heart splinter with each breath? Claire is a lame excuse at this point since they were engaged for less than a year.
“There are a lot of things I regret, Kat. But I’m still your friend. I’m here when you’re ready to have me back.”
Friend… the word strikes me like a punch to the gut. I feel like I can’t breathe.
I start walking again to put some distance between us. Seeing a nearby trashcan, I throw my empty coffee cup away and continue walking.
Sam catches up too quickly, and I feel his gaze on me. I refuse to look at him and instead look at the houses we pass without seeing them. I know I told Liv I would try to be Sam’s friend again. But God, this is so hard. How do I set my broken heart aside and let him in again?
Feeling like I need something to do with my hands, I pull my hair back and loop it into a bun before releasing it and letting it cascade down my back again.
Once I know I can speak without my voice shaking, I try to break the tension. “Tell me what you’ve been up to over the last few years. I know you live in Chicago and that you’re an architect. I know you didn’t marry Claire…” My gaze snaps up to him, and I grimace. I didn’t mean to say that last part out loud.
Rather than acknowledge my embarrassment, Sam tells me about his life in Chicago. “It’s very different from Charleston. Different than even Seattle. I like it.” His voice is almost hesitant.
