We both get drinks and mingle until dinner is announced, right at 6:00 p.m.Leave it to a bunch of lawyers to ensure everything is on schedule.I chuckle at the thought and wave at nothing when Sam inquires.
Sam and I make our way around the tables until we find our names at one of them, indicating where we should sit. We aren’t at the same table as either of our parents, and I’m grateful for that.
I recognize one client I’ve worked with a little at our table and make small talk as servers in white shirts and black slacks place plates on the table in front of each person.
Each guest was asked to indicate whether they wanted fish or steak as their entree when they sent in their RSVP. I chose the salmon and Sam the steak.
The chatter at the table continues as we all eat our meals. Our wine glasses are constantly replenished, and despite eating while drinking, I know if I have much more alcohol, I will quickly be tipsy.
I look over at Sam, who notices the water glass in my hand. He leans over to me and whispers in my ear, “You ok?”
“Yeah, just feeling a bit tipsy. The water should help.”
By the time the multiple-course meal is finished, a live band plays a variety of slow and fast songs, and the dance floor slowly begins to fill up.
“Will you dance with me, Kat?” I’m not sure about dancing in these shoes, but Sam’s face looks so earnest that there’s no way I can turn him down.
“I would love to.”
Sam leads us around the dance floor in rhythm to the slow dance the band is playing. He looks down at me and smiles so big I see the dimple in his left cheek.
He leans down and whispers in my ear, “This reminds me of homecoming the year you were supposed to go with Kevin.”
“Yeah?”
“I was so nervous to ask you to dance with me. My palms were so sweaty I thought for sure you were going to notice.” He looks at me, a little embarrassed. “I had to hype myself up to ask you. Then, when Ethan went off to dance with Kayla, I knew that was my moment. I thought I was going to trip over my feet the entire time.”
“Really? You were so smooth. I was so worried you would hear my heart pounding in my chest. I thought you were so hot in your suit. I loved how your hair was a little messy from running your hands through it. I was so nervous I was going to step on your feet.”
“That was one of the best nights of my life.” He takes a deep breath. “Because of you.” He smiles at me, and I can feel the love radiating off him.
“Mine too.” I smile back.
“I was thinking,” his fingers fidget along my spine as he speaks, “what if I moved in. You know, officially?”
I feel the shock hit my face before I can school my expression. I know he catches my body stiffening at his words.
“It’s just, I’m there so much anyway, I thought—” Sam abruptly stops talking and looks away from me.
I’m feeling panicked at his words. Move in? Yeah, he’s there all the time, and I want him to stay, but the thought of taking that next step makes me feel nauseous. “I—”What if he decides to leave? What happens when he doesn’t want me anymore?
He takes a step away from me, and his voice is quiet when he speaks again. “Unless you want something different? Maybe I’ve been reading this all wrong, and you don’t want me to be there as much? Or at all?”
His voice is flat. My tongue feels like lead in my mouth. But I finally whisper out, “Idowant you there.”
“I’ve just felt like you’ve been holding back from me. I’m so deeply in love with you, and sometimes it feels like you have one foot out the door. I can’t figure out why.” He looks at me, anguished.
“Sam, I…” I look into his eyes, searching for answers I won’t find from him, but knowing he’s right. I have been holding back. Protecting my heart from this man who broke it once before.
He takes another step back, dropping his hands from my waist and running one through his hair.
It’s at this moment that I realize while I’ve been trying to protect my heart, I’ve been breaking his. I reach out for him and pull him back into me.
“Don’t go.”
“I don’t want to leave. But I can’t continue giving you everything I have and only get half of you in return.” I’d do anything to remove the pain from him. “If I’m not what you want anymore, I need you to be honest with me. I need you to tell me what you want.”
“I want you.” My words are soft, barely above a whisper.
