“Oh, have I interrupted. I’m sorry. I should’ve called, but I was on my way back from the supermarket and just thought I’d see if you were in.”
This is a blatant lie; the supermarket is nowhere near my house, and he knows that too.
“Uh-huh. Okay, I’ll believe you. Do you want to put any chilled stuff in my fridge since it’s warm out there.”
I’m fixed with a Pops stare. “Fine, I came to see how you are. It’s not like you to react like that.”
“I’m good, sick of grading papers but, yeah, I’m good.” Not a complete lie, I’m pissed off Memphis isn’t here, but I’m not unhappy exactly.
His head tilts to the side as he scrutinises me. “I can see that. Good, I’m glad to hear it. Anyway, I’d better go.” He nods towards the crowded table. “Good luck with that.” He walks back to the door.
“Yeah, thanks.” I stop, my hand on the latch. “Why did you really come?”
“No reason.” He steps out. “I hope you and Memphis got things worked out. You’re both good kids.”
“I’m thirty-two, Pops.” I push my hand through my hair. “It’s complicated. We’re both going through some stuff we didn’t expect. It’s a work in progress.”
“You’re still my kid, Royal. Perhaps you need to think outside the box a little more.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? And don’t you dare leave here now.” I capture his arm, and he laughs at me, shaking loose.
“Oh, Royal, you can work that out. Maybe talk to him and listen to all he’s not telling you as much as what he is. You’re a clever man. Don’t give up on him.”
“I don’t want to, but I’m not interested in playing games anymore. I’m too old for that. I can get what I need at the club without having to lift a finger.” That’s true, but I can’t imagine having anyone else, not now I’ve been inside Memphis.
“Maybe that’s your problem, you’ve always had it too easy. Having men clamour for your attention must be nice, but you never find one worth bringing home and looking for more. So, is it you that’s holding you back? You must work at a relationship, son. It’s full of as many pitfalls as it is pleasures, and you need to learn how to handle them. I’ll see you soon.”
He pats my cheek and walks back down to his car.
I close and lock the door, wandering back to my dining table and the plethora of papers. I can’t deal with my father’s riddles tonight. I’m too busy. It takes me until nearly midnightto finish all the papers, and as tired as I am, I am pleased with myself.
It’s not until I’m in bed that Pops’ words come back to me. Listen to what he’s not saying as much as the words he is. What the hell does that even mean? But I try and recall all Memphis said, and didn’t say, about his lifestyle. How he reacted to me asking about his likes. His reaction to watching me as I played with Alfie in the club definitely had him going hard, but he didn’t exactly say whether he liked it. He likes the painful punishment, craving more, but is it a way of getting attention? Gah, there’s too many ways to interpret his reactions and answers.
Shit! His last partner was an arsehole. He wasn’t a Daddy; he was a Dom and a callous one at that. How abusive was the relationship? How much did Memphis lose of himself and what he really wanted and needed when he was there? Is that the reason he’s having trouble being a little with me? God, all these thoughts are getting me nowhere. The best way to get through this is to talk to him, take him to Bound and let him be whatever he wants there.
My phone buzzes on my bedside table. The screen glows, lighting this corner of the room. I reach to grab it. Memphis. Is he overthinking everything the same way I am?
“Hey, are you okay?” I ask him.
“Yeah, kind of, I suppose. It’s been a weird few days. I’m not sure where I’m going. I know I want to be with you; there’s no confusion there. But I’ve been in an unhealthy relationship for so long, I don’t understand where I’ve lost that part of me.”
“I’m lying here with the same questions. I’m not usually that kind of Dom. I’m a Daddy. The kind that cares for and looks after his little one. I don’t behave the way I did with you, but fuck, Memphis, you make me want to do all the things a Daddy-Dom does.”
“I’ve been thinking the same thing, and the only conclusion I’ve come up with is that I’m growing up now that I’m with you. My little side hasn’t ever changed for anyone else, but with you, I can’t find him. Even alone, I’m not turning to the fail-safe de-stressing colouring or playing with blocks like I have always done.”
I don’t have an answer for him. “I think we should have a night at Bound. We can see what happens. You can be whoever you want to be.”
He’s quiet for a while, but I can hear his low breathing. “I wish I was with you,” he finally says, quietly.
“Then come over.”
We walk into Bound hand in hand; Royal is happy to let me do what feels right to me. Whether that is me being little or his boy, it’s up to me. I can see other littles playing in the corner, their Daddies looking on fondly as race cars get pushed around and brick towers get built, then knocked down. Both acts I love to take part in, and when I look up at Royal, I expect him to be looking there too. It’s been his place in the club for too many years to give it up. How long will it be before the pull of a little with a dummy in his mouth, cuddled against him calls him back
“What is it?” he asks, a sweet smile playing on his lips. Has he seen or felt my doubt?
“I feel like I’m denying you all of that,” I say, looking back to the corner. “A couple of months ago, I would’ve been there.”
“Do you want to join them or have some of your own?” There isn’t a right or wrong answer to his question.
