I put all of them out of my mind as I open the letter. No one matters right now other than Ansel.
His scrawl appears, and my chest tightens.
Titan,
I told you three lies and omitted one truth.
The first lie was that I’m not in danger. I am. And so are you. That’s why I’ve done all of this. Everything was to keep you safe. You and your family. Those you love. I didn’t want to hurt you, I really didn’t. The truth is, I had little time to come up with a plan, and this was the only thing I could think of. The only way to keep you at a distance was to break your heart.
I wish it wasn’t.
The second lie was that I don’t want you around. I do, Cade. If I had my way, we wouldn’t spend a second apart. I’d live in your embrace and never complain about a second of it. You’re everything I didn’t realize I wanted, I needed.
I’m going to miss you more than you’ll ever know.
The third lie is the worst. I told you you’re just like your father. I never knew the man, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. You’re kind. Protective. Caring. Funny. I doubt your father was any of these things. But you are.
I will never be able to apologize enough for saying this. It was a moment born of desperation to keep you safe. It doesn’t excuse what I did, but I hope it explains it.
Finally, the truth I omitted. I love you.
I’m sorry that this is the way I’m telling you.I wanted to whisper it while we were in bed together, our sweat drying on our skin. Or maybe over a candlelit dinner, somewhere where I could see the joy light up your face.
Because there would be joy. I know that. I know you love me as desperately as I love you.
It’s why I did this. I’m so fucking sorry, Cade. If this ends the way I think it will, the only regret I’ll leave this world with is breaking your heart.
Good things never last for me, and that’s okay. I’m grateful that I got to bask a little in your love.
I haven’t given up hope entirely. I’m planning on going on the run. Fleeing St. Dismas and starting a new life far away.
If, by some miracle, I manage to do this, I won’t contact you. I won’t disrupt your life again. I don’t want you to waste time waiting for me. I want you to live. To be happy. To find love again.
Please be happy. You deserve it more than anyone. You’re one of a kind. I think maybe I was meant to be yours.
That doesn’t mean you were meant to be mine, though. Find love again, for me.
Your butterfly
If I thought reading Neo’s letter was tough, it had nothing on this.
So many different emotions are coursing through me that I don’t know which to start with.
But then I find one I’m familiar with. I grab onto it with both hands, knowing it’ll get me through.
Anger.
I mean, seriously, what the fuck?
From what I can work out, Ansel is sacrificing himself to protect me and my family. Those I love.
What about the fact that I lovehim?
That I cannot live without him?
Then, he has the audacity to tell me that he loves me before instructing me to basically forget his existence and move on?
Absolutely fucking not.
