The silence that follows could be measuredin geological epochs. Somewhere in the distance, a mechanical witch cackles, and I can’t help but think she’s got the right idea.
“Oh, that’s so funny,” I say with the kind of sugarcoated sarcasm that could rot teeth. “But I’m going to have to pass. You see, I’ve recently developed standards, and you don’t meet any of them.”
Clyde blinks at me with the expression of someone who’s just been told that gravity works in reverse.
“Plus,” I continue, just warming up to my theme. “I’m pretty sure there’s a return policy on husbands, and yours definitely expired when you decided that spiritual enlightenment came with a side of athletic flexibility.”
Dexter presses his lips together as he holds back a laugh, and I can see him trying to maintain professional composure while clearly enjoying the show.
“Well.” Clyde shrugs with the resilience of an ex whose ego has been professionally reinforced. “I’ve got good news regardless.”
“Oh really?” I ask with genuine curiosity. “Did a vital man part fall off your body? Because that would explain so much about our marriage.”
Both Clyde and Dexter wince simultaneously, and I have to admit, there’s something deeply satisfying about making two grown men uncomfortable with one well-placed anatomical reference.
“No,” Clyde says quickly, apparently deciding to move past that particular mental image. “I just got offered a position onMorning Coffee & Chaos.”
He leans in with the conspiratorial air of someone sharing insider information. “I’m sort of seeing the blonde cohost now. I’ve got connections.”
Knew it. That whole take-me-I’m-yours was nothing but a honeytrap so that he could have his wedding cake and eat it, too. At least now I’m able to see him for who he is. A rootin’-tootin’two-timer who has no intention of slowing down the lying, cheating—might I add, runaway train.
“Ah.” I nod sagely. “Trading up from yoga instructor to television personality. Very strategic. Does she know about your commitment issues, or are you planning that as a surprise?”
Clyde’s smile is replaced with a frown, apparently realizing that he’s not getting the reception he expected.
“At least I’m moving up in the world, Josie. You’re just playing carnival barker at this death trap you call a theme park.”
“Oh, Clyde, the only thing more inflated than your ego is your credit card debt,” I snap back. “How’s that bankruptcy filing coming along?”
“Why, I should—” Clyde dares take a step forward, and Dexter growls while reaching for his weapon.
“Whoa.” Clyde holds up his hands, already backing toward the crowd. “I’d better go mingle with my new coworkers. Network, you know. Build those professional relationships.”
He disappears into the throng of costumed revelers, leaving behind only the faint scent of expensive cologne and questionable life choices.
And that’s how you handle unwanted attention,Fish observes with approval.Swift, decisive, and utterly devastating.
I’m impressed,Chip adds.Though I’m still concerned about his mental stability. Normal hoomans don’t bounce back from rejection that quickly.
“Well,” Dexter says, turning back to me with an expression that’s equal parts admiration and amusement. “That was educational. Do you always handle your exes with that much venom, or was that special just for him?”
“That was me being polite,” I tell him honestly. “You should see what happens when I’m actually trying to be mean.”
“Remind me never to get on your bad side.”
“Please, you’re already there,” I tease. “You keepinterrupting our dates with murder investigations. I’m pretty sure that violates several relationship rules.”
“To be fair, she was holding a bloody rolling pin over a corpse. Even I have limits when it comes to family loyalty.”
“Good to know you draw the line somewhere.”
The carnival music swells around us, and the purple fountain water continues its gentle shimmer under the party lights. Somewhere in the distance, Fish and Chip’s fan club is probably still taking selfies, my daughters are arguing over ride selections, and a murderer is finally getting the justice she deserves.
This seems like an appropriate moment for another display of hooman mating behavior,Fish groans at the thought.The setting is sufficiently romantic, and the obstacles have been cleared.
I vote for more smooching,Chip adds enthusiastically.It was very entertaining last time.
“Your cats look as if they have opinions about something specific,” Dexter says, apparently interpreting their body language if not their actual thoughts.
