Yes, he was being selfish.
And no, he didn’t care.
He felt like everything was on the line. His entire future rested on this conversation, trite as it may be. “You keep telling me that Sutherland will take you in, but you never say why you haven’t accepted his offer.”
She blinked. “There’s been no reason to. Until now.”
“So do it.” He didn’t want her to leave, but he wanted to know why she didn’t want to leave.
“Ye’re a bastard. Ye said ye have feelings for me, but ye’re surely no’ acting like it.”
“Do you think so? Do you think I’m saying these things because I like to be a bloody bastard? No, Cait. I’m saying them because Idohave feelings for you. Because it’s time you faced your fears.”
“I have no fears.”
“I disagree.”
She visibly bristled and her face turned red. “Do ye want me to say it? Aye, I lost my grandparents when I married John, but it was worth it. John was everything to me, and while the Grahams and the MacGregors made my life as happy as they could, John made me feel joy for the first time in my life. Every day was joyful with him. We had…” She swallowed. “We had Christina and…she was perfect. And…”
Her voice trembled and her hands were shaking and Iain wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and tell her that she didn’t need to continue, but he stayed where he was and endured her pain as if it were his own, though he wasn’t foolish enough to think he could feel the depth of grief that she was feeling.
“And then she died.” Her voice broke again and she cleared her throat. A lone tear traveled down her cheek. “But I still had John, and we grieved together, and her death…it brought us closer together.” She blinked, and the tears that had been tenaciously clinging to her lashes broke loose and raced down her cheeks.
“And then John died,” Iain said.
She looked up at the ceiling and blinked rapidly, but the tears refused to stop. Her cheeks and chin were wet. “And then John died,” she whispered brokenly.
“And you moved out here and convinced yourself that your life was fine.”
“It was,” she said softly. “It was good. It was what I needed. I liked taking care of myself and not relying on anyone else.”
“You liked that people couldn’t come into your life and leave again.”
She lowered her gaze to look at him, and he almost winced at the raw pain there. There was also something else, a determination and strength that he’d always admired about her.
“After a time I had Cormac. He filled the loneliness, and it was nice because he left me to live my life the way I wanted to live it.”
“Unlike me.”
“I don’t want a relationship, Iain. I know ye think I’m living my life all wrong, but it’s my life and I like it. I’m no’ opposed to ye coming now and again and having an afternoon like the one we had the other day, but I don’t want more than that.”
“I do.” He tamped down on his irritation at her stubbornness. Didn’t she see how much she had to offer?
She looked at him sadly. “Then I’m no’ what ye’re looking for.”
“Yes, you are. You can’t or won’t see it, but you are.”
“Stop pushing me!” she cried out. “What are ye trying to prove? That I’ve run to the edge of nowhere to be alone? Aye, I did. That everyone I’ve ever loved has either left me or died? Aye, they did. That I’m condemning myself and apparently ye by not opening myself up to loss? Of course!” She paced away from him. “What wouldyoudo, Iain Campbell?”
“I don’t know.”
She spun back to him and pointed at him. “Exactly. Ye have no idea what ye would do, and ye have no right to cast judgment on me.”
“Oh, Cait,” he said softly. “I’m not casting judgment. I’m just saying that it’s time to stop hiding and live again. You’re too young to have given up on life.”
“I’m living. I’m fighting England in my own way. I’m healing those who come to me for help.”
“I’m not talking about fighting England or saving people, whether it be through your medicine or Sutherland. I’m talking about opening your heart. I’m talking about letting someone past the barriers you’ve erected.”
