Finally, he said, “I never told you why I left school. It was... because of Percy.”
Arthur stayed quiet. Jesse took a breath to muster up the courage to continue.
“Let me start at the, uhm, the beginning. So, my name. I should probably tell you about that first. I was born Jesse Wolff. It’s German. I, uhm, well, I told you before that I’m from Lake Township. Or, it’s called New City now, I think. But I changed my name once I left home. Not the, uh, the first time I left. Not when I left for school. But I changed it after I came back and told my father that I had... failed out.” His cheeks burned with shame. “Yes, that’s right. I failed out. It’s pathetic, I know.”
“It’s not pathetic.”
“Well, my father thought it was.Ithought it was. Actually, I still think so.”
“It’s not.”
As fervently as Jesse wanted that to be true, he couldn’t make himself believe it.
He continued on. “Anyway, I failed out of school because I was too heartbroken to focus on my studies. And I felt so ashamed of it that I left home. Not before telling my fatherwhyI failed out though, which, well, since it was because of a man, meant I wasn’t welcome in my family from that moment forward. And I changed my name because of it.
“I picked O’Connor because I found a place in Bridgeport and I wanted to fit in better. Before I met Giuseppe, I was worried that the folks in the neighborhood might not want me there if I was German or Italian or some other nationality. Most people in Bridgeport are Irish. Giuseppe proved me wrong about that, though. None of them would have minded, it seems. Or, well, not enough of them for it to matter.”
Jesse found a hole in the sheets and poked it. He paused for a while before continuing.
“I know that I probably shouldn’t have told my father the reason why I couldn’t keep up with my studies,” he finally said. “But I was so Goddamned tired of feeling like I’d failed him in one way or another over the course of my life. And I knew that if I stayed there, in my childhood home, I’d only continue to fail him. Because I knew that I’d never be the son he thought I should be. I was soft. At least, in his eyes, I was. And so, I told him what sort of man I was and what kind of inclinations I had, even though I knew that he’d hate me for it. Or, well,becauseI knew that he’d hate me for it. Hell, Iwanted himto hate me. And I wanted my mother to hate me, too. Because I thought that my parents hating me would make leaving easier. I figured that if they hated me, then I’d know that I couldn’t go back.” His voice broke, but he pressed on. “I’d know that I’d never have to try to make them love me anymore.”
Arthur swept a hand through Jesse’s hair.
“Oh, Jesse, that had to have been painful,” he said. “I can only imagine how much.”
Jesse shrugged. “It’s fine.”
“It isn’t.” Arthur lifted Jesse’s chin and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I’m so sorry you had to lose your family like that.”
Jesse exhaled a trembling breath.
“Thank you.”
Arthur stroked Jesse’s cheek with his thumb. “So, tell me more about school. How did you choose Illinois Industrial?”
“I, uhm, I learned about it when I visited the library once. Tuition was free back then. It might still be. I’m not sure. But I knew I had to go. I wanted to reallybecomesomething. Or someone, rather. I wanted to be more than little Jesse Wolff from the neighborhood near the stockyards.”
“Did you live there? At Illinois Industrial?”
Jesse nodded. “Yes. But I needed money for that. I needed to save up for my meals and for a place to stay. So, I started working at one of the corner stores in my neighborhood. Eventually, I saved up enough.Justenough. Neither of my parents liked the idea of me wasting both time and money to go to school, but I was stubborn about it. I wanted to escape our life. And Iknewthat I could make it out of our little neighborhood if I really tried. So, I enrolled.”
He frowned, his eyes falling back to the sheets, and he began tracing long lines on the fabric with the tip of his index finger. Arthur was waiting patiently for him to say more.
“I met Percy my first week there. Both of us were renting a room in a house near the college. Everyone had to rent back then. Regardless of their... wealth. Or lack thereof.”
Jesse swallowed, his muscles tensing as he prepared to tell Arthur how their relationship had come to an end. Arthur swept a hand through Jesse’s hair again, and Jesse closed his eyes for a moment to relish in the sweetness of it.
“Percy ended things during our second summer together. I, uhm, I tried to visit him one night. I thought it would be a welcome surprise, even to his parents. You know, one of your son’s schoolmates visiting... It seemed... innocuous to me.” He lifted his eyes to meet Arthur’s, and the knot in his stomach tightened. “But, obviously it wasn’t. Not to Percy. Actually, I think it was the thing that helped Percy realize how unsafe our relationship was.”
Arthur’s hand cupped Jesse’s cheek.
“Oh, my poor, sweet Jesse.”
Jesse smiled a bit. Even though he hated Arthur pitying him, he couldn’t help but love being the recipient of such tender care right now, as he lay his soul bare like this.
Jesse turned his head enough to kiss Arthur’s palm. Arthur smiled back a little.
And then Jesse’s smile faltered as he continued.
