Jesse was already in the pool. As I stepped closer to the water, the briny scent invaded my nose and my heart grew a little lighter. This was water from our oceans, and despite the shitty reasons I was out here, I had a moment of happiness. It had been a while since I’d had a chance to swim, but I lived here now, and could venture out any time of the day or night. That was a huge win.
Jesse was adept at ignoring me, so I didn’t even bother trying to catch his attention. I just stripped off my clothes, leaving on a plain black bra and underwear, before diving right in. Everything was crystal clear below, and within seconds my lungs adjusted and I was breathing as easily as I could above the water. Despite the dark stormy sky, it was not dark at all below. My eyes picked up every pigment of light and amplified it until it was almost as bright as day.
I could taste the faint scent of lavender from the cleaner the guys used on the tiles outside. There was also some new water in here—it had rained yesterday. The fresh water and salt didn’t mix well at first, but eventually it found its symbiosis.
Jesse had flipped over, watching me as I swam toward him. “We need to talk,” I said when I got close. “Please, Jess. We can’t keep going like this. It has to end now.”
He couldn’t speak under here, but I could tell from his face that he wasn’t happy. He didn’t run away again though.
We rose and hit the surface at the same time.
He opened his mouth first and I didn’t try to beat him to it. I wanted him to talk to me.
“I love you,” he said.
Everything stopped. The water even stilled.
Jesse dropped his head, and I tried to gather up the pieces of my aching heart.
“I tried really hard not to care this much, Mads,” he continued. “Fuck. I did everything. I’ve not been able to touch another girl in a year, and it’s not for lack of trying. I’ve tried. With as many as I could. But they’re not you.”
Jesus. I wasn’t sure I could get through this without losing my fucking mind. How could I fix this?
He met my gaze and my lips trembled as I fought the tears lingering right on the edge.Not about you.This was not my pain, but I hurt all the same, because I loved Jesse too. Just not this way.
“I had it together,” he said, a dark laugh emerging with the words. “I’d slotted you firmly into the friend-sister zone, and I wasn’t going to touch it again. But … Asher died.” More laughter, derisive … cynical. “What sort of fucked up best friend moves in on his girl when he dies? I mean, I would never want to lose Ash. He’s my fucking family, but when it looked like he was gone, when you were crumbling … holding on to me. It … broke the box I had you in.”
I clenched my fists to stop them trembling. Jesse had stopped talking and I knew it was my turn, but I couldn’t figure out what to say.
“I’m so sorry.” The words spilled before my thoughts caught up. “Fuck. I wish there was something I could do or say to fix this. Trust me. I would literally do anything.”
“Except the one thing I need,” Jesse sighed. “I know I’m being a dick about it. I know it, Maddi. I see and hear it every single time I’m around you lately, but I just can’t get myself together.”
I squeezed my eyes closed, briefly, before finding some fucking backbone. “I’m not saying any of this to hurt you, but there will never be anyone for me other than Asher. Sonaris tried by tying our energy together, and still he’s not even a blip on my radar. I love you too, Jess. I will never deny that, but it’s not the way I love Ash. He’s the part of me I didn’t even know was missing.”
“Can’t fight fate,” Jesse murmured, and it was so fucking sad I wanted to scream.
“You have a true mate out there as well,” I reminded him. “Someone who is going to make these feelings you have for me seem like nothing.”
Jesse growled; the lion was coming out to play. “Don’t bet on it,friend.I’ve been fighting my feelings for you for two years. If they were small or insignificant, it wouldn’t have taken me this long. It wouldn’t be getting worse.”
Well, fuck.
“What do you need from me?” I asked. This was about what Jesse needed, even though I was pretty sure I’d never done anything for him to think I wanted a romantic relationship.
I mean, I had leaned on him last year, when Asher died. But dudes had to start realizing that just because a chick is their friend, and cares about them, and loves them, doesn’t mean they have any right to her heart or her body. I’d never given him one indication that my feelings were more than friendship. He’d made that leap on his own.
Still, I wanted to fix whatever part of our relationship I could. I just needed Jesse to tell me what he wanted me to do.
He didn’t answer me and was not looking my way now.
Letting out a ragged breath, I nudged him. “You need me to back off? Leave the room when you enter? I can do whatever it takes to help you through this. Ash and I will tone our PDA down…”
He finally met my gaze. “I would appreciate that,” he said. “Not the part where you stay away, but the part where I don’t have to see you and Asher all over each other. It makes me want to punch … something.”
“Fair enough,” I said, forcing a smile. Not touching Asher every second of the day was going to be difficult, but if it made Jesse’s life easier for a short time, we could do it.
“And there’s another thing…”
