“I see.” I smiled. Reaching into the cabinet, I pulled out two wine glasses as he opened one of the bottles of wine. “I’m going to go change right quick. Can you pour us some wine, please? I’ll meet you in the family room.”
“Of course,” Kevin replied.
As he looked into my eyes the chemistry between us was very strong, something that I most definitely couldn’t deny. Whenever Kevin would look at me, the vibe was so intense it gave me butterflies. It had been a long time since I felt wanted by a man so I couldn’t deny that I enjoyed how it made me feel. I used to feel so lonely when I was with Justin because he lacked showing me attention, but with Kevin that was something he always did from the day I first met him. That was how I knew he was being genuine.
I wanted Kevin badly, but I was just too afraid to go there with him at the same time. I was comfortable around him, holding his hand, and even kissing him, but taking things to the next level… I wasn’t quite ready for all of that. I was afraid and nervous because sex was something that I always enjoyed and under different circumstances my sex drive was usually very high. But after everything I had been through recently, just thinking about sex made me feel uneasy.
After the whole HIV scare, it changed how I felt about opening my body up to someone else allowing for them to expose me to all sorts of risks and life-threatening situations. I wasn’t turned off completely from sex, I was just afraid to have it. Then, because Kevin and I had such a great friendship, I didn’t want sex to complicate the bond that we already shared. I also feared that I wouldn’t be enough for him. I couldn’t understand where I lacked in my marriage because obviously, I lacked at something if I couldn’t satisfy my husband. That was something that had affected my ego and pride, making it hard to let my guard down with someone new.
Making it to my bedroom, I quickly changed into a pair of Old Navy shorts and tank set. The top was a white tank with blue writing, and the shorts were all blue and hung to my mid-thigh. Sliding into my Nike slides, I headed back down to the family room. When I walked in, Kevin was sitting back on the couch with his legs open flipping through the channels on TV, looking like a whole snack.
It had been several months since I’d last had sex. Justin was the last man that I slept with before his secrets were revealed. Seeing Kevin sitting in my family room, as handsome as he was, smelling good and riding for me the long way, not having a problem defending my honor and sticking up for me, was starting to turn me on in ways that were making me feel uncomfortable. That oh so familiar tingling sensation that would run through my mid-section indicating that I was horny was in full effect. He was looking so divine, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go there with him just yet.
The things that were running through my head in that moment was some kinky ass shit. I just couldn’t work up enough nerve to act on any of them. I was ashamed because I was horny and uncomfortable all at the same time.
Peeping the glass of wine he had fixed for me on the table in front of him, I took the seat next to him on the couch then picked up the glass. Taking a long sip, almost drinking half of the wine at one time, I attempted to shake all the freaky thoughts that were running through my head away, and some of my nerves so that I could calm down and relax a bit.
“You wrong for coming down here dressed like that,” Kevin said as he sat the remote down then turned toward me. Looking at me like he wanted to devour me with his eyes, in the most seductive voice, he said, “You are one sexy ass woman! The things you do to me, you just don’t know.” He licked his lusciouslips, which did nothing to appease the feelings I had coursing through me.
Smiling, I couldn’t help but to blush. I loved it when he looked at me like that. I loved the attention that he would give to me, it made me have butterflies in my stomach. I was nervous, feeling like a teenager alone with their crush too shy to speak or move. It was weird how Kevin had a way of making me feel so wanted and desired. It was an addicting feeling, but at the same time, I felt conflicted because I was too afraid to open up to him. I didn’t want to let my guard down just to get hurt again. There was no way that I could have handled that.
“Thank you,” I shyly giggled.
“Whew! I swear you makin’ it hard for me to be patient with you. I know you’ve been through a lot, and I don’t want to pressure you into doing something you don’t feel ready to do, but damn! You can’t be coming around me looking sexy like that and think that it won’t turn me on. Lawd, have mercy!” Kevin flirted, placing his hand on my knee as both of us laughed.
Taking my hand and putting it on top of his, I felt a surge of energy flow between the two of us.
“Oh, stop it.” I giggled, pausing for a few seconds. “I’m not trying to tease you or anything. I’m attracted to you also. After tonight, even my attraction increased, you showed me that there’s no limit to what you would do to protect me, and I can’t do anything but appreciate and respect that. It’s a turn on to me, no lie. All I ever wanted was to have a man that cared enough about me to naturally protect me.”
“That’s gon’ always be a given, beautiful. No thanks needed,” Kevin promised. “I will never let anything happen to you as long as I’m breathing air into my lungs. You didn’t deserve none of what you went through, and I hope you understand that. Plus, I respect you too much to turn around and hurt you after all ofthat. If I ever feel like I’ma do some shit that may hurt you, I’d leave you alone first.”
It took me a few seconds to respond as I took time to think about what he’d just said. “I just don’t want you to feel like I’m not interested in you because I am. I’m just not ready to go all the way just yet.”
“Understood. I know it’s going to take time for you to heal, and I’m good with that. I can wait because you’re worth it.”
“It’s not just about healing from what was done ‘cause I’m over Justin and that’s facts. What’s hard for me to get past is not knowing where I lacked in our relationship. Like, where did I come up short or fail for something like that to happen to me? It really rocked my soul and affected my confidence to find out the man I openly gave my body and heart to cheated on me. Not just with another man, but my gay friend and unprotected at that! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust a man completely ever again.”
Finishing off the wine in his glass, he poured us both some more then took a long sip.
“I get it, and I don’t blame you for feeling that way,” Kevin said, taking one of my hands in his. Rubbing the top of my hand with his thumb he continued, “That is why I’m willing to be patient with you. You need to understand that you didn’t do anything, and you damn sure didn’t lack at anything for him to do you like that. Dude was just selfish, and instead of keeping it real with you and telling you that he got off from having sex with men, it’s like he led you on. He wanted his cake and to eat it, too, with his selfish ass. I hate to hear that you feel you lacked something because that’s not the case at all.”
“I agree, Justin is very selfish, no doubt about that. But I don’t agree with the whole lacking thing. I had to have lacked at something because I thought I was giving him enough sex to keep him satisfied. I don’t see how he had the energy or staminato even go and fuck on someone else, man or woman. I just don’t see it.”
“Well, first off, busting a nut for a man ain’t difficult, baby girl. Dude is into men, so any woman he gets with not gon’ be enough for him ‘cause it’s not what he wants. It’s not just about you, but no female will ever satisfy a man that prefers to be with another man, baby girl. Please don’t take that personal.”
“I guess you’re right. I didn’t look at it that way. I don’t know, the whole situation has me questioning every little thing about myself now. It has made it hard for me to trust and all. I’m just a big ass mess.”
“Oh, stop that!” Kevin softly demanded. “You are not a mess. You’re just a woman that fell in love with a selfish, gay man. You shouldn’t question anything about yourself ‘cause from where I’m sitting, you’re damn near perfect to me. Any real man, emphasis on REAL, would be blessed to have a woman like you.”
“That was really sweet of you to say.” I smiled at him, and he winked his eye in response. “You can’t truthfully say that I’m not lacking if you and I have never been intimate.”
“So, that is what this is about? You’re afraid to go there with me because you think I’m not going to enjoy it?”
“I mean, kinda,” I agreed. “I don’t want to get fully invested in you then have you turn around and hurt me.”
“It’s not fair for you to judge me based off of what the last nigga did to you. I get you need time to move on from it all, but I’m nothing like that dude. Nothing at all like his ass! For one, you don’t have to be afraid to be intimate with me because it’s not about you satisfying me, it’s about me making sure you’re satisfied. As long as I know that I can make you cream and keep you happy, that’s enough for me. As far as you investing yourself in a relationship with me, risking getting hurt, I can say the same. That’s a chance everyone takes when they get into arelationship, but I’m not here to hurt you, Ava, and I don’t think you’re here to hurt me, right?”
“True. I get what you’re saying. It’s only fair. It’s just something that I now have embedded in the back of my mind.”
