All I could think was my actions were unforgivable. I couldn’t believe how everything had played out and that all of this was taking place. Standing there speechless, Justin continued to snap then what he did next under any other circumstance would have gotten his ass kicked or something thrown at him to inflict pain, but this time around, I was so hurt that I couldn’t even say anything or move. He hacked a big, nasty, slimy glob of spit right in my face.
Had it been under any other circumstance, I would’ve run behind him and knocked him over the head with something heavy. But because I was owed that for crossing my best friend, I gave him that. But the nerve of him to pop up at my house acting a plum nut was just out of line on all levels. I got that he was upset. Hell, I was just as upset as he was about everything that had taken place. He may have lost a wife, but I lost a best friend and at a time when I needed her the most.
After my positive diagnosis, my entire life changed in an instant. The mere fact that I was walking around being sexually active with multiple partners was what frightened me the most because I had no idea who I contracted the virus from. Although I argued with Justin about the fact that he couldn’t prove he had given the virus to me or if I had given it to him, I knew in my heart that I was the one that had given it to him. I was walking around with HIV for God knew how long with no clue whatsoever and that was the saddest part.
If I had known in its earlier stages, I would have been able to get treated with the proper medications that would have slowed the progression of it. But being that I found out while I was in what they called the chronic HIV stage, which was the period after the acute infection phase, which was right before you were diagnosed with full blown AIDS the final stage of infection was absolutely heartbreaking to me.
I was rocked to the core, and my mental state was all thrown off when my doctor told me that. The fact that my blood levels were nearing the final stages of the virus was THE scariest thing in the world to accept. Not having my best friend by my side through all of this had been by far one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. I had fallen into a deep depression and hadn’t been able to return to work because of it. Most days, I didn’t want to get out of bed, eat, showernothing that required self-care because I hated myself for what I had done.
If I could go back in time and change anything, it would be sleeping with Justin and not protecting myself as I should have with my other sex partners. By not protecting myself, I caught a death wish, and there was nothing that I could do about it. No amount of medication could take away nor cure the virus, and all it would have taken was for me to use protection. That was very careless on my part. Then, I had no business getting caught up in Justin like I was, but I couldn’t help myself; we couldn’t help ourselves.
When Ava and Justin started dating, I always thought that he didn’t like me. I never would’ve ever thought that someone of his caliber; a manly man, a firefighter and athlete, would be interested in me, but he was. What I couldn’t forgive myself for was the fact that I crossed my best friend like I did when she didn’t deserve that. Ava was the nicest person in the world, and she had always been there for me.
What I did to her would weigh on me until I died. I never had a problem getting men, so I could’ve done without messing around with Justin. He should have been off limits, period. But what was done was done, and there was nothing that I could do to change it.
Now knowing that Justin had tested positive for the virus as well, I needed to know if Ava had tested positive. She never missed an opportunity to tell me when things were going good or bad in their relationship, so I knew that they were having sex at the same time that he and I were. Once Justin left, I headed straight for the bathroom so that I could wash my face. I couldn’t believe how trifling he was to spit in my shit like that. I got that he was mad, but I never forced him to do anything that he didn’t want to do.
As I stood in the bathroom drying my face, I couldn’t help but to stare at the reflection that was staring back at me in the mirror. The person that I had become in such a short period of time was someone that I barely recognized both on the inside and out. My hair was a mess and needed a trim badly. Both of my eyes had dark circles under them, and the white parts were red and glossy from lack of sleep. My skin was starting to break out because I hadn’t been washing my face, and my beard and mustache had grown out.
I never, ever, ever wore a beard nor mustache. I pondered over whether or not I should strip out of the pajamas that I had been wearing for the last four days to take a hot shower. But once I looked down on the bathroom counter and saw all the bottles of medication that I was prescribed to take daily, some twice daily, I instantly became depressed all over again. I couldn’t believe that this had become my life, and I couldn’t blame a soul but myself.
After crying like a baby in the bathroom, feeling sorry for myself, I headed to the kitchen. I fixed myself a tall glass of Patron on ice, then headed to my bedroom. I needed to build up enough nerve to talk to Ava. I wanted to let her know how sorry I was. As I sat in my bed, drinking my sorrows away, I worked up enough nerve to pick up the phone. Going to Ava’s phone number then hitting send, I prayed that she answered.
The phone rang twice then went straight to voicemail. Taking another sip of my drink, I decided to send Ava a text message. I wasn’t going to let the fact that she didn’t want to talk to me stop me from letting her know that I was sorry.
Me: Hey Ava, I know that I’m the last person that you want to hear from, but I wanted to tell you again how VERY SORRY I am for sleeping with Justin. You did not deserve that at all, and I feel absolutely horrible about it. I also wanted to check with you to see if yougot tested. If I know you as well as I do, I’m sure you did. I just pray that you did not contract the virus. I would never be able to forgive myself if something were to happen to you because of my stupidity. I know that things between you and I will never be the same, but I really miss you. I’m trying to come to terms with knowing that I may never hear from you again, so with that being said, I want you to know that I love you, and I wish you nothing but love and success.
By the time I hit send on the text I was crying all over again. Sitting in the middle of my bed, I scrolled through my text message threads and looked at all of the messages that I had sent out to all of my past lovers. I had reached out to all of the guys that I was having sex with through text message letting them all know that I had tested positive and that they should get tested as well. Some of them responded, some very nasty explicit responses, but some didn’t respond at all. It was already hard carrying guilt from contracting the virus and not knowing, I felt the least that I could do was let people know that they had been exposed to it.
Quite a few of my past lovers were angry, and that was putting it lightly. A couple of them stood out above the rest of them. Jamie and Mike were married men that lived on the DL, and to say that they did not take my text well would be an understatement. As far as I knew, Justin, Jamie, and Mike all had contracted the virus because they all had let me know. So, me reaching out to Ava and being concerned if she had it or not, was mainly because my guilt and conscious were getting the best of me.
After going through my text messages, I grabbed my TV remote, turned the television on in my bedroom, and tried to find something to watch in hopes to take my mind off things. The movie,Selmawas on, so I decided to watch that. Thirtyminutes into the movie the effects of the Patron started taking over, and I was finally feeling relaxed.
Just as I was about to doze off, my doorbell rang. At first, I wasn’t going to get out of bed to answer it because I wasn’t expecting any company. Justin popping up and going off on me earlier was more than enough drama for one day. But whoever it was wasn’t planning on leaving anytime soon because they continued to lay on my doorbell like they were crazy. Checking the time on my cellphone, I saw that it was a little past eight p.m. Praying that it wasn’t Justin, I got out of bed and headed to my front door to see who it was.
Looking out of the peephole, I saw that it was one of my ex’s, Mike. Taking a deep breath, I didn’t know if I should open the door or not. I looked and felt a mess and really wasn’t up to having any company. Figuring that he was coming over to discuss his positive HIV test, I felt that I owed him a conversation if nothing else.
“I know you’re home, Shane. Open the door. I just want to talk,” Mike said through the door.
Waiting a few more seconds, I went ahead and opened the door.
“Hey, I wasn’t going to answer because I was not expecting to have any company. I wish you would have called me first.”
“Oh, yeah,” Mike said as he walked through the doorway and into my living room. “I wasn’t planning on coming by, but I was in the area and decided to come pay you a visit. I have some things that I need to get off my chest.”
“Look, before you start, I wanted to tell you that I am so very sorry about the whole virus thing. I had no clue that I had it. Had I known I would have told you right away, just as I did when I found out. I feel terrible that you tested positive—” I continued, but he cut me off.
“Do you really? Because I find it hard to believe that you didn’t know you had it.”
“I swear to you I had no clue.”
“Look at you! You look like shit!” Mike said with a disgusted look on his face.
Damn! I knew he would be upset, but I wasn’t expecting him to treat me like this. We had shared some good times together, so for him to talk to me like I wasn’t shit made me feel some kind of way.
“I feel worse than I look. I promise you that I had no clue.”
“Well check this,” Mike said as I closed my front door and walked into the living room where he was standing. “Because of you, not only did I get the virus, but I also gave it to my wife… MY PREGNANT WIFE!!”
