It had been six months since they’d spoken, and three years since she’d seen her face, so Samari’s expression tensed as she turned the locks. When she laid eyes on her mother, the feeling should have lightened but instead intensified.
“You going to invite me in?”
“Yes, sorry,” Samari mumbled, stepping out of the way to grant her mother, Aster Sellers, access to her apartment, feeling self-conscious with each second that passed. As much as her mother loved her, thatlovewas attached to an equal amount of critique and disappointment.
“Why are you here?” Samari eventually asked after suffering through what felt like an eternity of her mother’s silent judgment.
“I saw that video, Samari.”
She cringed but refused to shrink. Asao made her promise not to let anyone make her feel small. She wouldn’t, not even her mother.
“If you want me to feel bad, I already do. If you want to tell me how irresponsible I was, I already know. But if either of those things aren’t attached to love and understanding, don’t bother. Regardless of those things, I didn’t deserve to be taken advantage of.”
Aster’s expression didn’t change and her eyes refused to soften. Samari’s heart was crushed because she would never understand her mother’s version of love. She’d fed her, clothed her, but never supported Samari’s dreams. The woman who’d given her notebooks as a child and encouraged her daughter to keep the lyrics that danced in her head in a safe place, refused to accept who she was.
“Haven’t you had enough?” Aster spoke sternly.
“Enough of what?”
“The failure, the disappointment, the embarrassment. You tried, Samari, and I respect that you think this is the life you want but it’s not the life you should have.”
Samari reared her head back as if her mother had physically assaulted her. “I’m not even sure what to do with that. You’re my mother…”
“I am the only person who truly loves you enough to be honest with you. You’re twenty-seven years old, Samari. Don’t you think it’s time to let these immature dreams go? You’re in a sex tape for God’s sake which is all over the world. Who do you think will take you seriously? Who do you think cares about this little music thing you’re doing…”
“Icare,” Samari yelled and threw her hands into the air out of frustration. “This is my life. This is what I love. I don’t give a damn about that video…”
“The world does,” Aster said crassly. “It’s embarrassing…”
“To you…” Samari stepped closer to her mother and pointed a finger in her face. “I’m exhausted, Ma. I don’t know what else to do to make you see me.”
“I see you, Samari. I’m just disappointed in what I see.”
As much as it crushed her heart to hear her mother’s true feelings, Samari refused to accept the disrespect. “That’s the problem. You expect me to be what you want me to be, not the person I have the right to be or who I want to be.”
“Iexpectyou not to be so naive as to get caught up doing drugs and having sex for the world to see but that’s who you are.”
“It’s not, but I don’t really care anymore. I can’t care because if I do then I have to admit you’re the problem. You’ve always been the problem and the grace I’ve given you is all in vain.”
Aster scoffed before she responded. “I shouldn’t be surprised that you have no accountability for your actions.”
“And I shouldn’t be surprised thatyoudon’t either. Please leave.”
“You want me to leave?” Her mother’s expression was impassive again.
“Yes, I want you to leave. You’re my mother and I love you but I love myself more, so please leave. You don’t deserve me.” Samari crossed the living room, opened the door, and waited for her mother to do as she demanded. She took a minute to comply, but eventually crossed the room and paused in front of her daughter. Aster placed a hand on her arm and Samari tensed from the contact.
“I love you, even if you don’t love yourself, Samari. I pray you can do that one day, but until you do, we don’t have anything.”
Aster dropped her hand and walked out of the door. Samari closed it and the first tear fell but she quickly wiped it away and exhaled a breath that allowed her to stay grounded. It hurt to draw the line but what hurt even more was the hope she always felt when she let her mother back in.
That hope was devastating because Samari would always cling to it, praying her mother would one day understand how important music was to her existence. She never would, so Samari refused to let her back in. She wouldn’t allow her mother another chance to break her heart.
Leedren walkedout of Druid Correctional Facility and paused just outside the gate. He dropped his head and closed his eyes, taking in the moment. It was surreal and he would not take it for granted.
When he lifted his head again, his eyes locked on the face that mirrored his own. A younger version who was easily a reminder of the man Leedren was when he’d lost his freedom.
“You good, old man?” Asao pushed away from the side of his Jeep and crossed the small parking lot parallel to the gated sidewalk his father just traveled. He gave him a moment to pull himself together after the gate closed behind his pops, ending a very long and frustrating chapter in his life. One his father prayerfully wouldn’t revisit, God be willing.
