“Perhaps there was a good reason for it,” Master Aynia said after a long pause. “Can you see it, now that you look back?”
I suddenly lost my appetite. I’ll admit, her words surprised and stung me. I’d expected her to be sympathetic to me,notJax.
But I knew Master Aynia better than to react without hearing her out—something she’d reprimanded me for a hundred times when I was still a hot-headed girl who’d been rejected by her people, who was trying to prove something every moment of every day.
Andtherewas the reason I’d lost my appetite. After all this time, I was still acting likeher.The rejected, weak girl with a gift for magic, trying to prove that she could be just as good as the shield-maidens.
And I had tried to make Jax prove something, too. I had placed so much value on his choosing me—as if that would mean I was worthy. As if that single choice meant his feelings for me were true or false.
“I was only one of nine brides. He tried to tell me. If he didn’t win the treasure, he believed their deaths and those of his crewmembers would’ve been for nothing.” I hissed out a breath through clenched teeth. “But theywerefor nothing! All for that stupid treasure.”
“As if you never risked your life to master a spell,” Master Aynia said, tutting before taking another sip of wine.
“Our spells help people,” I said, “or at least preserve magic.”
“The Queen of the Sea would’ve helped Jax and his crew a great deal. Are they not people? Besides the other ramifications.”
My stomach sank further. “What ramifications?”
“I know the stories, that a cherished heart must be sacrificed to use the Queen of the Sea. But that is the kind of foul magic dreamt up by dark wielders of our realm. Objects from the World of Monsters are usually far cleverer than that, responding to absolute power of both mind and magic.”
“There’s always another way,” I found myself quietly repeating. I thought of the day we’d landed on the Bride’senchanted isle. Jax had believed there would be ways around any sacrificial magic the Queen of the Sea would require.
Worse than that, he’d believed we’d find ittogether.
“If he could’ve mastered the Queen of the Sea,” Master Aynia continued, “trulymastered it, even the Diam Sea could be crossed for the first time since the final runeships failed. Just think of it, Sofie. The northern and southern woldings no longer divided. The City of Nox in easy reach for every magical creature wasting away in lands of ungoverned chaos magic. Your Jax could’ve changed the world.”
I let that sit like a rock in my throat for a while, then stuffed it down with wine and cheese. I’d destroyed all that.Me.A balancer of House Fairwill who was supposed to help preserve magic in Elchion and, perhaps one day, the world. My entire purpose was to restore balance to the world’s now-chaotic magic—the very chaos that made the Diam Sea impossible to navigate.
And I’d melted an enchanted relic that could’ve changed all that. I could’ve retrieved it, could’ve studied it—and sailed the world with Jax.
I could’ve sailed the world with Jax, all the while pretending to be something I’m not.
I was no shield-maiden, nor was I a raider fighting alongside my husband and kin, bringing spoils back for all of Aegle; nor would I ever be a dutiful household priestess content with protecting my husband and our family. I was a powerful sorceress, and a leader in my own right, looking to protect theworld.
I hadn’t been acting like it.
“I find it very hard,” I said haltingly, a lump still in my throat, “to let go of the other paths in life I once glimpsed. I think I confused my time with Jax as a way back to one of those paths.”
“Did you?” Master Aynia layered slices of cheese onto her bread, making a sort of makeshift sandwich. “That does notmean your love was untrue. If love could blossom even in such circumstances, it might have stronger roots than we’d think.”
“I suppose we’ll never know.”
“Raise your chin, Sofie.”
The shift in Master Aynia’s tone had me automatically raising my head, even if it was to view her with surprise.
“You are not a victim of fate,” she continued, her gray eyes fierce. “You chose this life, and you chose it because it was truest to who you really are. You are someone who makes difficult choices. You make them, you survive them, and you have always found a way to thrive after them. You are a balancer for a reason.”
“I couldn’t bring balance to him.”
“Don’t be silly,” she said. “I think you already have.” She pointed out the window. “Is that not his fleet returning?”
What?
I wasn’t even embarrassed by my response. I leapt to my feet, hurrying to the window to get a better look. It couldn’t really beCarabosse,could it?
“Spyglass is in that drawer,” Master Aynia said dryly.
