Any attempts at us not laughing like hell went out the window right then.We howled at Jarvis’s predicament while Geri tied the horse to a low-hanging branch.After a breakfast better than any I’d ever had on any camping trip, and offering up silent thanks to Chef Vonn, patron saint of hungry rednecks, we loaded the cart and headed off to find Oberon’s portal, and hopefully, my people.And maybe find whoever set a plague loose in Fairyland and open a Bubba-sized can of whoopass on ‘em.
9
The transition from Summer to Winter is wild.Last time we were here, I didn’t even notice the shift because we passed through some kind of disputed or neutral territory, so the queens’ collective influence wasn’t felt much for a few miles on either side of the border.But this time we were on one of the main roads connecting the two realms, and the switch from Summer to Winter was a visibly sharp shift in, well, everything.The road went from lined with oaks, maples, and deciduous trees to nothing but pines, cedars, and other evergreens.The sky flipped from clear and sunny to gray and overcast, and the temperature dropped by at least thirty degrees.I was sweating pretty good after riding half a day to get to the portal, but as soon as we crossed the border, my teeth were chattering and I was hoping Titania had thrown some heavier clothes into our saddlebags, or at least some magical hand warmers.Not that I wanted them for my hands.
We got maybe twenty yards into Winter, realized how underdressed we were for the weather, and turned around.Once we thawed out, we dug out some cold weather gear and bundled up, adding thicker blankets to the horses to help them manage the temperature, since they couldn’t instantly grow a winter coat.Hell, I didn’t even know if Fairyland horses grew winter coats, at least not the ones in the Summer Court.But we rubbed them down so they didn’t have a lot of sweat all over them to freeze and put more blankets on, so hopefully they’d be okay.
Titania had outfitted us pretty well, with heavy boots, thick woolen leggings, and long coats and hooded cloaks.I felt like a jumbo-sized Aragorn when I got back on my mighty steed, but I probably just looked like a low-rent yeti.We crossed back into Winter, thankful there was still enough magic to keep the road clear of snow, and headed toward Granny Mab’s castle.We’d gone maybe an hour when we hit our first literal roadblock.
We came around a bend in the road to find a gate blocking it, with barricades extending off the sides of the road all the way to the tree line.But what surprised me wasn’t the gate; what surprised me was theconstructionof the gate.Because this wasn’t made of wood, or stone, or even rough-forged metal like most of the architecture I’d seen in Fairyland.No, this gate, complete with a windowed gate house, was made of metal panels snapped together and looked like it had been teleported straight off a U.S.military base.
“That does not look like it’s supposed to be there,” Jarvis said as he pulled the horses to a stop.
“No, it does not,” Geri agreed, sliding down off her horse and freeing up her MP-7 submachine gun from her saddle.We’d decided before we left Titania’s palace that we’d try to deal with faerie threats with weapons typical to Fairyland, but this definitely didn’t look like a faerie threat.
I slid off my horse, too, but didn’t draw a gun.Not out of any moral superiority to Geri, more like out of intellectual inferiority.I’d put too many layers of clothing between Bertha II and freedom, so I’d have to strip halfway down to get to my pistol.So I drew Great-Grandpappy Beauregard’s sword from its sheath on my saddle and walked toward the gate.
“Halt in the name of the queen!”came a booming voice.Out of the gatehouse stepped a man about my age, about six feet tall and maybe two hundred pounds, although it was hard to tell with his body armor and cold weather gear.He looked human, in that he looked like a generic White dude, but I couldn’t see his ears, and faeries can glamour themselves to look like different species, so even then I couldn’t be certain.
“We’re halted,” I said.I kept my sword out to my side, ready but not threatening.I also stopped a good ten yards from the guy, so he shouldn’t have been worried about my sword.
“Lower your weapons and prepare for inspection.Taxes will be assessed based on the value of your cargo and possessions.”He started toward us, and I noticed he had an AR-15-style rifle on a sling around his neck and one shoulder, and a pistol on his hip.This dude was either from our world, or he was a faerie who wanted us to think he was.
I let out a deep sigh.“Again with the whole taxes bullshit?”I looked up at the sky, as if Granny Mab would swoop down from the clouds and save me from dealing with the stupidest ruse for robbing travelers in the history of roads.“How about you get back in your little hut where it’s warm, raise the gate, and ignore us, and I won’t break your nose for you.”
The guard had covered about half the distance between us by then, but my words brought him up short.He gripped his rifle, and I closed the distance before he could get a shot off.I’m fast for a big dude when I want to be, and an asshole with an assault rifle is plenty of motivation.I tossed my sword to the ground, grabbed the barrel just as he flicked the safety off, and reached in with my left hand to punch the button to eject the magazine.At least this way, he only had one shot instead of thirty.With both hands occupied, I couldn’t block the punch he landed on my jaw, and I swear, for a normal-sized dude, he hit like a freight train.
I staggered back, not letting go of the rifle’s barrel, and he threw another left straight for my nose.I ducked this one, catching the punch on my forehead, then reversed course and charged him.I was barely two feet away, so there wasn’t much momentum involved, but I was able to knock him off his feet, and as I felt his grip loosen on the rifle, I managed to disconnect the sling and toss the gun aside.He landed several more blows on the back of my neck and my shoulders, hitting way harder than anybody his size had a right to.He musta trained MMA in his free time or something.I managed to get an arm across his throat and leaned on it until his eyes fluttered back into his head and he passed out.I let him up before I completely strangled him, and that’s when I heard the commotion behind me.
I turned to see three more dudes in tactical gear fighting my people, with my folks mostly handling themselves pretty well.Except Jarvis, who was getting the holy hell beat out of him.He was on the ground covering up as best he could while a stocky dude straddled him and just pounded him into the snow.Since Geri and Ash were handling their business, I stomped over to Jarvis’s guy, and before he noticed me looming over him, I caught him in a sleeper hold and choked his ass out, too.
“Thanks,” Jarvis croaked.
“You ever won a fight?”I asked.
“Hell, Bubba, before I started hanging out with you, I hadn’t been in a fight since middle school!And I don’t remember if I won that one or not.”He spat blood into the snow.“That dude’s got zip ties on his belt.I’ll tie him and his buddy up while you help the others.”
Not that the others needed much help from me.I turned around just in time to see Geri snatch a pistol out of the hands of the guy she was fighting, turn it around on him, and tell him to kneel or bleed.I recognized the look on her face and knew she didn’t give much of a damn what he decided.The guy picked kneel, so Geri didn’t redecorate the landscape with his brains, and that left Ash.
Ash was absolutely putting on a clinic fighting her guy, who seemed like a big-time martial artist, except for the fact that he couldn’t land a single blow.It seemed like for every punch or kick he threw, they knew where it was going to be an instant before he threw it and just slid out of the way.They didn’t even hit back, just let the guy wear himself out before ducking under an overhand right, catching him in a hammerlock, and stepping on the back of his knee to drive him to the ground.
I walked over, yanked a pair of flex cuffs from the guy’s belt, and zip tied him.“Damn, didn’t expect you to be a ninja,” I said to Ash.
“I’m…not,” they said.“Don’t get me wrong, I know how to fight.I came out as nonbinary when I was in high school, and you know how North Georgia rednecks can be.”
Being a North Georgia redneck, I knew exactly what they meant.“That didn’t look like the kind of fighting you learn in North Georgia,” I said.
“Yeah, that was different from anything I’ve ever done,” they agreed.“It was like I could see his moves before he made them and just knew where to move and how to dodge them perfectly.I don’t know where that came from.”
“Probably came from being here,” Geri said as she hauled her prisoner over and dumped him on his knees beside his pal.“You were already sensitive, if not full-on psychic, back home.Well, this world is made of magic, so it makes sense that any ability you have is amped up here.”
“Not for long,” the guy Ash beat said with a nasty grin.“We’re getting that magic problem sorted out right now.”
We exchanged looks, and I turned to the guy.“What are you talking about?”
“Not a word,” his buddy said, and the first guy clammed up.
“Okay,” I said.“I guess we’re doing this the hard way.”I turned to Jarvis.“Y’all start unpacking the tents.I think we might be here a while.I’m gonna have to practice the interrogation tactics I learned watching all eight seasons of24.”
