She’s right.
I will.
And honestly…
“I don’t think I’ll ever be that person again,” I say. “I was just a kid when we met. A girl. Now, I’m a woman, but I’ve never been a woman without a partner. Without Kai. He’s the only person I’ve ever kissed, the only person I’ve ever…anything.” I shoot a pointed glance her way. “I’m basically a ‘sleeping withguys who aren’t controlling psychos’ virgin. Which probably isn’t healthy this close to thirty.”
“Healthy, smealthy,” she says. “None of us have love or sex figured out in our twenties, girl. I’m not sure I’d even been naked with someone with the lights on by the time I was your age.”
My eyes widen despite myself, but Charlotte only laughs.
“I know, right?” She rolls her eyes with a wistful smile. “Poor twenty-eight-year-old me. She was super repressed. But then, six years of cotillion classes and weird, Deep South, daddy-daughter coming out dances will do that to a girl.”
I laugh. “I can imagine.”
“See? We’re all a little bit messed up. But I figured my shit out, and you will, too. Just be gentle with yourself. You’ll be fine.” Her tone softens as she adds, “You’re smart, strong, and talented as hell. And you have a big brother who would lie down in traffic for you, so…”
My lips twitch. “Yeah, he’s pretty great.”
“He is,” she agrees. “And now, you have me, too. No matter what happens with Baylor, I’m on your team, okay?”
I nod, the backs of my eyes beginning to sting. I hunch even lower in my chair, tensing every muscle and sipping in slow breaths, refusing to cry again. I spent half an hour sobbing in the shower last night before bed. I’m done crying over Kai.
At least for the next day or two.
When I can pull in a breath without sobbing, I say, “Same. I don’t see you and Bay being anything but long-term material, but if he fucks it up for some reason, I would really love to stay on your friend list. You’re smart and strong, too.” I shrug, adding shyly, “I’ve always wanted a big sister. Having a big brother is great, but sisters know things brothers don’t. Heart things. And girl things.” I grin, tone lightening as I add, “And I could really use someone who understands fashion to take me shopping. It’spast time I ditched the little goth girl lost look and found a style that feels like me.”
Charlotte beams as she clasps her hands together. “Oh my God, yes! I mean, you’re an adorable little goth girl lost, but I’m a sucker for a makeover.”
“Yay,” I say, though I immediately feel compelled to confess, “but I have no idea what I like. I’m not much of a clothes girl. It was honestly kind of a relief when Kai started dressing me to match the band’s vibe. In high school, I was just a band nerd in jeggings and giant sweatshirts. Usually with zombie unicorns or something on them. I could be a legitimately hopeless fashion case.”
She waves a breezy hand. “Not at all. You’re a blank slate. Which makes things even more exciting. Just start looking around while we’re out and about this weekend, point out things you like, and I’ll get a vibe for your aesthetic. Then, we can go from there. Maybe start with a small capsule wardrobe you can try out to see if it feels right.”
I nod, the tight feeling around my midsection easing. “Yeah, that sounds great. Thanks, Charlotte. Really. I appreciate you so much.”
“Of course, honey,” she says, giving my hand a quick squeeze. “I’m happy to help. Truly. Besides, this is what friends are for.” She stands, collecting her empty plate. “Now, eat up. My nona sets a brisk pace. She will not be slowing her roll through the garden to accommodate low blood sugar.”
I laugh as I break off a piece of the bread. “Understood.” I take a bite, moaning at the rush of sugar, cinnamon, vanilla, and mystery spice. “Oh my God, that’s incredible. I’d forgotten how good bread can taste first thing in the morning. Kai’s gluten-free, so we hardly ever have bread on the bus.” I stuff another bite in, moaning like a porn star. “Sorry. God, it’s just so good.”
“Don’t you dare apologize for moaning over my bread,” Charlotte says with a wink. “You keep at it. One bite at a time. I’m going to run shower. Feel free to grab another slice if you want more. I made an extra loaf. Help yourself to anything you want from the fridge or pantry, too.”
Idograb an extra slice.
And a hunk of aged English cheddar from the fridge.
And an apple from the bowl on the island.
And another cup of coffee and a banana for the road.
I’m suddenly hungry in a way I haven’t been in ages. Maybe since I was that seventeen-year-old girl, Kai said he thought looked so “ethereal” when she was just a little too skinny…
I’d almost forgotten about that—at least consciously—but as I tuck the banana into my purse, the memory resurfaces.
I shiver, wondering how many other things that I’ve assumed were just “the way I am” or “what I like” are actually seeds planted by my controlling ex back when I was too young to have an ounce of psychic protection against him. I don’t know. But I suddenly decide thatIlike myself with more meat on my bones. The kind that I can maybe turn into muscle with some weights and time at the gym.
Aside from a brisk walk most days, I’ve never worked out, but it feels like time to start. It’s not like I’m in horrible shape. I dance, sing, and run up and down a stage for hours at a time on the regular when we’re on tour. And we’ve been on tour for most of the past five years. That tour bus full of men, where I only had peace tucked away in my sleeping pod with the curtain drawn, had basically become home.
But now…
